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This Poem was Submitted By: Marcia McCaslin On Date: 2004-04-12 01:41:22 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Haiku (She Digs It)

She puts on earphones Then turns iTunes up full tilt And Grandma rocks out

Additional Notes:
ooooh--not exactly nature--but certainly a commentary of 'modern' times--LOL Marcia

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2004-05-06 13:51:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.85714
Marcia, HA! You are too funny. Heres my answer to that! Haiku (Marcia) queen of new haiku a rocker in two senses cool cucumber too Ha this is fun! Love it! Peace, Jen

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2004-05-02 16:19:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.73684
Hi Marcia, I think this might be classified as a senyru. Same syllable count and 3 lines but not about nature. Cute, and so appropos for the times. I think you have really gotten into the spirit of the times here. Nice to see you again. Sherri

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-04-28 19:20:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.52174
Hi Marcia, The visual in your senryu is fun! Grandma rocks out! My grandmas could no longer rock out, they are gone to see God in the second life. The format rocks completely with 5/7/5 syllabication. I like the assonance and alliterations present. They tune up to the mode of the poem. No more words to say, I enjoyed this much! Good luck for this month's contest. I still have to catch the rest of your submissions to get a choice for my fav. Jordan

This Poem was Critiqued By: Tiffany A. Christian On Date: 2004-04-20 13:02:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Haiku must change with the times! I love this piece, Marcia...I think it's very telling, very wise, and just a fantastic image! My only suggestion would be to replace the word "And." I'm beginning to hate that word, probably because it see it so abused in poetry as a kind of filler. You might consider leaving it out entirely; it wouldn't fit the syllable count, but then this isn't exactly a traditional haiku, either. Or maybe there's a better word out there to help Grandma "rock out," as it were. LOL Thanks for the great read!

This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2004-04-17 18:21:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.83333
Okay. Made me really laugh. Good one. I think it fits the criteria.5,7,5 Good title. Thanks for posting.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2004-04-14 01:25:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Hi Marcia, What a lovely read! Playful and lighthearted! Reading this, put a smile on my face! You have captured a “real” scenario that is worth sharing! I like the family-orientation theme of this piece. The picture of your words is so clear and vivid to this reader. Effective! Thank you for submitting this entertaining piece! I find it peaceful and comforting to see old people enjoying the “modern” things around. It only shows how they value and appreciate the last few years of their life by embracing what is today, what the present offers. Inspiring! As always, Erzahl :)

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-04-12 20:13:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.92308
A fun read, but you know you're gonna catch h--- from a few. Yeah, it is too human and materialistic for haiku, inspite of the syllable count being 5-7-5. There's no seasonal reference, either. You might call it a senryu, but I think I'd try not to define the form on ones like this - just name them, and let the reader determine the form, if necessary. There is certainly a lot going on in this, maybe too much with 3 verbs. The syllable count is not all important in this type of poem; it's the conciseness that really makes it work. [short-long-short in line form for haiku, senryu with less than 17 syllables preferred] A sample? with earphones and iTunes full tilt Grandma rocks See the difference? I hope this is of help. Write on in peace. Wayne

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-04-12 05:33:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.28000
M- fun. an unexpected turn. not exactly nature? quite natural, I guess. i think we're allowed this! T

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-04-12 02:27:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.87500
Marcia--You are right: not nature, but human (nature) behavior, which spells Senryu. This has all the proper techs (5-7-5 syllables/three lines/humorous slant). Suggestion:lose the caps at the beginning of each line. Other than that, this is cute and funny. Thanks for the laugh. TLW

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