This Poem was Submitted By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2004-04-15 07:45:01 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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japanese verse 45 (Stream)
Hidden rivulet
Midst the shoulders of mountains
Runs to open sea
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Copyright © April 2004 Erzahl Leo M. Espino
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2004-05-06 22:05:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.03846
Dear Erzahl,
Another beautiful haiku, I bow to you the King of haiku! This one is so visual and special to me as it speaks of the sea. I love the sea, hope to someday live within driving distance to it. It is so peaceful and soothing to me.
Thanks for sharing, it's another good one!
Sherri
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mick Fraser On Date: 2004-05-05 14:49:38
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.43750
Hi Erzahl;
I haven't had much time to critique lately. I do however have time for Stream as it quenches my thirst for images that provoke reminders of days I spent in the beautiful mountains of British Columbia, by the many brooks that were winding their ways through to their ultimate destiny.
I loved the image "hidden rivulet" as it is aptly described. Many tiny streams are often not noticeable with the enormous mountain backdrop, or are covered by leaves of branches that overhang obscuring them.
This verse is like all your wonderful work, simple, yet with so much detail to comprehend by your use of carefully chosen words.
I am very happy that I did not miss this one before the end of the month.
Take care
Mick
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-05-03 18:49:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.70732
Hi Erzahl,
I love the picture of the stream, splendid! Like the phrase "shoulders of mountains" as well.
Erzahl's fresh verses
Midst the wonderful garden
Blooms to readers' mind
Thanks for sharing, Erzahl.
Goodluck!
Jordan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-04-20 23:00:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.39535
Hi ee-
you march on with your Japanesisms.
picking lilac lace
wind over your left shoulder
suddenly your ear
tom
This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcia McCaslin On Date: 2004-04-15 19:30:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Erzahl--(it's me again--hope you don't mind!) The middle line 'makes' this poem for me--with
its metaphorical shoulders of mountains--actually I've never read a piece with mountains personified
before--but it's a great idea and make s a refreshing 3 lines poem. I know syllables didn't allow
you to say runs to the open sea--but it's BETTER, it's just 'tighter' and more like the poetry
you are representing here. The hidden rivulet, even though it's hidden, we, the reader, can see this,
like by some "magic vision"--we see, and is so appropriate to what happens in nature--the little
rivulets disappear for a time and then pop up somewhere else. We have those in Wyoming also--
little streams that absolutely go underground for miles and then pop back up, so I can relate very
well with your first line. Again, your middle line is the 'metaphorical masterpiece' that draws me
irrestibly to this piece. Thanks for another great submission to keep fresh reading always ahead of
me. !! Marcia
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-04-15 19:20:50
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.87500
Erzahl--As you can see you've inspired numerous postings of Haiku/Senryu. This is actually good
for the site as well as the poets: practice makes the writtings better and the more postings the
more popular the form becomes. I like them for many reasons: they helps me to write more compact/
concise and to select more precise words; I enjoy reading and reviewing them for my own edification.
Well, enough about your influence and more about this excellent piece-smile. This one reminds me of
hiking here in Arizona and finding clear cold springs pools high in the mountains with water trickling
down cutting crevices as it goes to lower areas and pooling again.
This simple direct verbiage produce quite a visual image for the mind's eye in a straight forward common manner. On the other hand, this could easily be metaphoric for something/someone seeking and finding freedom or release from a difficult situation(s)/problem(s). Still further, I could be totally off base and mis-
stating your intentions for the verse. However, I did enjoy what I took from it. Thanks for sharing. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-04-15 13:09:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Erzahl:
It is so clear - as clear as the water in "Stream" that your genius for haiku
is nothing short of a gift from God. I find this one so inspiring as to defy
my ability to describe my responses.
In terms of 'critique' - that is, framing suggestions and ideas for change -
I have none. In my view, this poem is 'perfection' as it is, and meant to
be received as a gift. Such short, intense poems have always been a
favorite of mine. It is unnecessary to give the kind of verbose, at
length comments that I customarily write for this excellent work.
But I will comment on some of the delights and imagery which springs
to mind for me:
Hidden rivulet
Midst the shoulders of mountains --wonderful alliteration of m's
Runs to open sea
The assonance you employ in "hidden/rivulet/midst" is truly lovely. The
i's are like the flowing sparkles often seen in water. There is a hint
here that the things which are hidden are often the most powerful; for
after all, who or what else "runs" on the majestic "shoulders" of these
mineral giants? What other force could traverse these immense formations,
gradually deepening the crevices, so that each time the small rivulet
"runs to the open sea" a better pathway is made? This poem could be a
metaphor for making the effort, though we are small, to pursue our goals,
to follow our soul's urgings, even though the way may seem impossible.
We, too, have "shoulders" to support our journey. Our Lord gives us
strength and purpose; these mountains can be a metaphor for our own
"mountains" which can be moved only by our faith, or which we someday
can overcome only through faith, just as the small rivulet eventually
will join the sea. Perhaps the sea can be a metaphor for heaven. In
any case, this poem is "heaven-sent" and for this, please accept my
thanks! Bravo!! Superbly well-done!
All my best,
Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-04-15 12:25:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.92857
Erzahl:
You may recall that I rarely critique haiku as the construct gives
such sparse words to examine. I , being verbose, cannot seem to
find the flavor of seventeen syllables.
Your metaphoric "Stream" has the taste of creme brulee for me. (My
favorite rich dessert). In succint and terse terms, you render a
depth (de profundis), an image that can be interpreted in countless
ways.
Hidden rivulet
Midst the shoulders of mountains
Runs to open sea
I like "rivulet" and that it is "hidden" but with protection from
the personified mountains, it bravely runs to the receiving arms
of open sea.
I see your sibilance, assonance, and read aloud, your vocables are
harmonious. However, in "Stream", it is the message/theme which
stimulates my spirit.
This magical, mystical poem shows the poet has a wild and metaphysical
heart, if you don't mind my saying so. Anyone who conjures the feelings
of readers in this way shows something about his own character. (IMO).
The open sea can be a metaphor for numerous things but those of us
enchanted by the sea can see it as sheltering, comforting, and
regenerative.
"Stream" could represent a person's epiphany...discovering an important
truth for the first time, seeing the world in a new light. It is
reminiscent of someone's turning on a light in a darkened room. "Stream"
might also signify a soul reuniting with God, running to Him as the
ultimate optative factor.
Your poem also gives me the image of a child hurtling to the open arms
of his mother, his sanctuary. I'm reclusive as your rivulet and perhaps
that is the reason your words spark such flames within me.`
Sincerely, it has been a rare occasion when a haiku captured me in this
manner. Don't misunderstand, please; I read every word you write and
each of your poems demonstrates the stroke of genius, the skill and
art you bring to your writing. But "Stream" absolutely shouts to me
from the page.
Last month, I wrote a lengthy review of "Fiasco" but it got lost when
TPL wavered momentarily. I lack the strength and health to repeat
and rewrite at this time when I am not well. I thought it engaging
and worthy and it should have placed higher on the winners' list. We
all know that the list lists, tilts, wobbles, and shifts according
to who has the most voting power and as has been said repeatedly, some
of the finest poems do not find an audience.
Personally, my poems which I truly love may not do well at all when my
poems with less quality/strength jump to the top or even win!
Forgive my verbosity of analysis but I needed to tell you of the magic
of your writing and particularly "Stream", an exquisitely-written piece.
Bravo!
Best wishes,
Mell
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2004-04-15 11:38:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Ezrahl,
This is nice. The assonance of hidden/rivulet/midst is musical. Your second line
builds on the first and clarifies the how of it. And the idea of
mountains having shoulders provides an endearing image for this reader.
Runs to open sea gives me an image of the sea opening welcoming arms to the stream
in a loving bearhug.
Very nicely done. Thanks for the wonderful images you've given us within these few short lines.
Blessings,
Jennfier
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-04-15 11:34:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.83333
Dear Erzahl,
I can't believe this...you have surpassed yourself...this is the best haiku I
have very read! Perhaps it appeals to me so much as I write a good deal of nature poems
as I think nature is the one and only contant we cen rely on...plus it is beautiful.
hidden rivulet...believe it or not I have stood beside and drank out of many mountain
rivulets. They are crystal clear, cold as ice, and the taste is so pure
that it is difficult to get enough with one drinking
midst the shoulders of the mountains.....shoulders is an apt description of the sides of
mountains (amazing descriptor) mesas have distinct
shoulders as they round down the sides to make a
perfect shoulder..why have I not thought of that?
runs to open sea................in Wyoming we are too far inland for water to run to the
open sea all at once. It will usually run into a river which
will carry the water to a sea
Now you have my atrophied brain smoking...wouldn't it be something if one could trace
just one little drop of water from a rivulet, to a river, a lake, or to the sea? I am
leaving Saturday for Florida for a week and I should be packing..but how can I with
this burning question running through my mind? See what you started!!??
Thanks for sharing this amazing accomplishment with us.
Peace...Marilyn
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