This Poem was Submitted By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2004-04-19 18:50:05 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Nightfall

A silk sheet of cloud Falls to keep night's countless eyes Away from earth's breasts

Copyright © April 2004 Mark Andrew Hislop

Additional Notes:
The result of a haiku competition on poetry.com


This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2004-05-04 17:26:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.85714
Wow Mark, that is really fabulous I love the image of the sheet of clouds falling. This also contains the moment of unexpected revelation which is so critical to haiku. Nice job. Sandra


This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-05-01 14:19:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.67742
Hi Mark, You certainly have a winning haiku...this is just lovely...soft and charming. a silk sheet of cloud.....this has to be the most beautiful array of words to describe a cloud I have ever read..I am so envious as I wish I had written it! falls to keep night's countless eyes away from earth's breast............I am thinking stars here and have read these lines serveral times..it finally dawned on me that the cloud covers the earth to keep out the light of the stars. in this context it makes the cloud the adversary instead of just a pesky intruder. Earth's breast must be protected from probing eyes. I am rambling and most likely you think I am daft! But as you can see I really 'got into' this haiku. Good job with a difficult poem form such as haiku! PEace...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-04-23 15:19:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.62121
Mark, I enjoyed the imagery. However, in English haiku I think the conciseness of image and brevity is more important than the syllable count. I know poetry.com insists on the count in their contests, having been there [and won mouse pads, and cups several times years ago]. When posting them here, I'd go over them a little, reducing prepositions, articles and modifiers that are not absolutely necessary. Personification [earth's breasts] is rather uncommon in haiku, too. I don't want to re-write or appear too brazen, only assist if possible. The following is merely for consideration to indicate what I mean: silk-sheet cloud falls to keep night's eyes from earth's breasts I truly love this genre, and if you do, you might like to go to ahapoetry.com, other of many good web sites through search of haiku, or maybe obtain a copy of "The Haiku Handbook", ed. by Wm. J. Higginson. It is an older book, 1st copyright 1985, but might still be available in stores or libraries. ISBN 4-7700-1430-9. Let's share more of these. Best wishes. Wayne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-04-20 22:26:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.45238
A winner. Anything with breasts is a winner. tom
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-04-20 16:07:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80000
Hi Mark Andrew, First time to critique your artistry. I have read all your submissions and I believe in your way of expressing your thoughts and feelings. Your skill is also adroit in haiku as this one is striking to me. I love the splendid image that is not hindered by the form 5/7/5 syllabication. The first line highlihgts a wonderful sibilance and it continues in the third and last line. The inclusion of the action word is enlivining. And I love phrase "earth's breasts". Thank you for giving us a nice touch of your haiku. I won't change anything on it. It stands powerful. Jordan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tiffany A. Christian On Date: 2004-04-20 12:39:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Oh, I LOVE this! I've always been a big fan of haiku, and this one is not only beautiful and wise, but it's also slightly naughty (a first for me in haiku reading)! I have nothing to critique on this one: the syllables are there, and the imagery is just great. Well done!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2004-04-19 23:35:54
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.66667
Hi Mark, I am also inspired by that site (www.poetry.com). I started and learned my Haiku talent from their daily contest "Picture Haiku". A lot of my entries here in TPL were also came from my submission to poetry.com. I'm glad to see that I am not the only one. Those images they post are truly inspiring! "A silk sheet of cloud Falls to keep night's countless eyes Away from earth's breasts" --- This is really exotic and rich of images. A thousand images are playing on my mind now. Your choice of words are truly effective! "A silk sheet of cloud" --- I can see a layered vastness of clouds painting the sky. And it is more mysterious and exquisite because of the time "Nightfall". Twilights and sunsets are truly wonderful to gaze at! "Falls to keep night's countless eyes" --- Wow, hypnotizing! I see the "countless eyes" as the stars - great metaphor and illustrations! "Away from earth's breasts" --- Wow, you just end it perfect! "earth's breasts" - I see the majestic mountains that looks upon the sky to see and match the beauty of the firmaments! Just great expressions...you have completed the thought and imageries with great and lyrical words. This is an excellent entry! Only an inspired nature-lover can do it! You have done it great! Bravo! As always, Erzahl :)
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