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This Poem was Submitted By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-04-29 23:16:28 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Blue Dragonfly - Revisited

It's hard to see you next to green, but for the slight toss of your head. Your eyes seem to sweep this space for flickerings, perhaps for mate or marauder. Were you placed on this branch, as a sparkling adornment by an aesthetic angel? When you fly close, dipping low as if to graze my skin, I wonder if you divine another life-form watching you, in motionlessness hope you’ll stay a moment longer. How you gratify my splendor hunger!

Additional Notes:
With many thanks once more - slight edit!

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2004-05-07 17:09:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.84848
Hi Joanne, Well I don't see how you can improve on perfection, but that's exactly what you did! You tightened this up with just a few minor adjustments. No wonder it's on the top of the winners list, it's splendor in simplicity. I note that you corrected a small typo with flickering in S-1, changed to "as a sparkling adornment by an aesthetic angel?" from "a sparkling adornment left by an aesthetic angel?" which does makes it more clear and concise, and in S-2 added the hyphen in life-form. All minor adjustment that simply fine tune an already winning poem. I've had the most lovely afternoon reading all of your poems for the month. It's been a treat I gave to myself on a much-needed afternoon of doing whatever I please. (that doesn't happen often) I won't be critiquing "Walking in the Rain at Cannon Beach", because I accidently hit the skip button when I comemnted on it, lol, but I sure enjoyed it as well and hope you'll forgive my duh! moment. Thanks for a lovely afternoon. Blessings, Jennifer

This Poem was Critiqued By: Valene L Johnson On Date: 2004-05-06 23:58:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Hi Joanne, I really love your imagery, this poem certainly reflects yourself. My favorite part would have to be "Were you placed on this branch, as a sparkling adornment by an aesthetic angel." thank you for sharing your poetry with us. V.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2004-05-06 22:25:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.10714
Dear Joanne, I see a few changes, but I still like the first one. I love the line "dipping low as to graze my skin" I can just feel the soft wing and gentle brush across my arm. It makes me feel it. I just can't resist reading and commenting on your work, although not a technical critiquer, I can tell when I can feel a poem down to my soul. Thanks again for sharing, Sherri

This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2004-05-06 14:38:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.81818
Hi Joanne: This is exquisitely done. The dragonfly seems a spiritual emissary, a tiny entity of itself, surveyed by a yet "larger" being. The small soul is dwarfed by the bigger, more complex one, but that's not to say that it doesn't exist. I like the way you use this as a microcosmic reflection of our human relationship to God, which leads to the inevitable question: "But WHAT is watching God?" That way lies confusion, so I tend to steer clear of such metaphysical complexities. "Next to green" unites the creature with the symbolic background color that suggests an entire order of life, the earth itself. It is part of this, as are we all. "Mate or marauder" - nicely alliterative for emphasis - serve as metonymies for the dual passions of love and hate, and the balance we walk between family obligations and defence against those who would rob us of our rights. But the "sparkling adornment" makes of the dragonfly a jewel, which allows us to note the connection between form and function. Thus, bird species often possess bright plumage in order to attract mates; beautiful seashell coloration is also camouflage when the creature is underwater. The dragonfly's glitter attracts the eye - and perhaps another insect - yet, when motion is stilled, the little thing could be mistaken for a twig or grass blade. It is the movement that makes the flash. So it happens in our own species; those who seldom "move", in a metaphorical sense, aren't likely to garner much admiration or attention. Speaking of motion, I did stumble here: " in motionlessness hope". I'm thinking that "motionless" would be sufficient to modify hope, becuase by adding the "ness", it turns to a noun and "hope" is off-syntax. This is a tiny point, of course. The speaker's wish for this little being to linger might well replicate God's own thoughts, for we are frail and die so soon. What if God, too, becomes attached to a few of us, and wishes to see us for longer than our mortal allotment? Even as an entire race of animals, our time on earth is finite and in our turn, we will probably be replaced by others who are stronger, smarter or more adaptable to their changing environemnt (which we have probably polluted beyond our own survival). The dragonfly could also stand for a single individual, present all too briefly, whose visit the speaker wishes to prolong. Alas, we are not even masters of the threads that are woven into our own lives, let alone those belonging to another. The deity beyond us has control of these. Our wresting control of the dragonfly's destiny would probably destroy him. Children bring bugs home in glass jars because they're fascinated by the spots and shapes and wings, but the captives almost always die. We can be gratified most by allowing the creature its own space and fate. This also holds true among parents and children, spouses, friends ... anyone who might seek to bind or hold back another, even out of love. "Splendor hunger" makes me think of Keats' "Ode on a Grecian Urn". Truth is indeed beautiful, and beauty is truth. We hunger for the beautiful because we know it is a perfect form that reminds us of what is possible, even among the small and humble. The dragonfly's flicker of glory is like catching a glimpse into the space between the stars, before the darkness closes back in. I've just realized that this isn't much of a critique! Your poem was on the finalists' list and I wanted to respond to it but not necessarily to dissect it (if that makes any sense). It's superb work, as are all your poems. It touches something inside my skin that doesn't awaken often. My Best Always, Brenda

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-05-05 14:19:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.73913
Hi Auntie Joanne, I have read the original version of this so let me savor again its splendor! The noticed the slight edit, and I was too hasty during my critique on your first version that I did not see the obvious word "flickeringings" which should be "flickerings"! I am laughing at myself! How idiot I am! Just kidding! Anyway, this one is currently on the third place, so congratulations in advance! God bless! Jordan

This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2004-05-04 23:34:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.32143
Hi Joanne, I'm glad this one rose to the top because this is my favorite among your April entries! :) And for the changes, I liked it! You ommitted those unnecessary words, and yes, short, simple and straight to the point is more beautiful than verbous/wordy read. And fixing the "life form" to "life-form" is just perfect! It is now technically correct! I hope you don't reposting again my response to your original "Blue Dragonfly". :) "Blue Dragonfly", I think for the many colors of dragonfly, "blue" is my favorite! Aside from it is rare to see amongst dragonflies, usually it is the flamey red and orange (here in the Philippines, I don't know there in your place, what is dominant). Again, you have captured the sweet, innocent and fragile personalities of this beautiful creatures. "It's hard to see you next to green," --- I like your intro here...it immediately emphasized "colors", which it automatically strikes the importance of the title "Blue Dragonfly". The contrasting or the comparison between these two colors are just huge for my vision. The use of "flickeringings" and "marauder" are so you Joanne! Thanks for adding these lyrics! "Were you placed on this branch, a sparkling adornment left by an aesthetic angel?" --- This is just wonderful! You have been writing "dragonflies" before but this is a new fresh perception and I really liked it a lot! You are truly inspiring! It always radiates within your words...within your works. "When you fly close, dipping low as if to graze my skin," --- I like the use of "dipping low" and "graze my skin"! You just know how to combine common words and come up with a rare, unique and original thought! You are never "lacking" of words and imagination...superb! "I wonder if you divine another life form watching you, in motionlessness hope you’ll stay a moment longer." --- Oh, I am caught motionless by your words...this is just excellent! You are very observant Joanne! Your "blue dragonfly" sure influenced me a lot...yes, it touched me by its "divine" power. "How you gratify my splendor hunger!" --- Same here Joanne! You have fulfilled my thirst for your poetry and genius! Again, I have said it all! This is again, in line with your winning pieces! As always, Erzahl :)

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne Duval Morgan On Date: 2004-05-03 06:16:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88889
You know just as powerful as the first, but for some reason, this version has a sweeping effect, each line leads gracefully into the next, and creates a strong cadence, never losing the intent, besides who hasn't look at not only gdragonflies, butterflies, and the great assortment of potential hovering insets, and caught their breathe, wishes they would stay a little longer, we's like to know more, but even a change in wind flow direction sends them scurrying off. Neat revision, then I'm not suprised to see the revision, for you always make your poems the easiest for the reader to identify with, and they are always appealing in a large universal way. Great re-write, unfortunately I don't have any voting weight really, but you to know I appreciated the re-write. Love, and God Bless....Joanne, just another creature of the universe.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-05-01 07:44:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.16418
Another episode in the ongoing Uppendahl saga: I Saw The World Through Thick Glasses and It Was Beautiful. Which is the title of your next collection. (i hope) tom :)

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2004-04-30 12:15:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.16667
Joanne, You know, i don't critique many of your poems because our approaches to poetry are so different, and i don't feel i can appreciate your poems sufficiently to comment. You're an observer, a painting of portraits of what you see around you, animals, insects, the stars, etc. I think that springs from your very considerate nature, and your joy at the world around you. I'm a poet of a different order. Anyway, I CAN appreciate your skill and talent in painting these portraits, and i like this one quite a bit, particularly "sparkling adornment" and "splendor hunger." Best, Mark

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-04-30 11:12:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.54839
Joanne, perfect descriptors of those moments. I have experienced similar ones in my yard. I loved the closing lines of S1, beautiful. Then the way you capture the darting of this amazing insect/carnivore as it goes after (maybe a mosquito?) its meal, making that a wondering moment for the observer and for this reader. One little thought: "in motionlessness hope"- [IMO, the "ness" is not needed here. It adds an unnecessary distraction, creating a noun where the adjective would suffice in modifying "hope". If the noun form is needed for rhythm, then maybe a comma or hyphen after it? But then, it doesn't connect (if it's supposed to) to the following line. Anyway, this section gave me pause, attempting to connect the thoughts/images. Maybe:(If you'll pardon my taking this liberty with your work.) graze my skin, I wonder if you divine another life-form watching you, [in] motionless, hoping you’ll stay a moment longer. How you gratify my splendor hunger! Just a suggestion for clarity. If that was not your intented meaning, then excuse my misinterprtation and boldness. Any way this is a pleasant scene. Thanks for submitting it. Write on, and best wishes. Wayne

This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcia McCaslin On Date: 2004-04-30 08:37:54
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.97826
Hi Joanne--when I saw this (bright and early for me) this morning, I hoped, really hoped that you weren't going to take out "my splendor hunger"--as I noted was suggested by a reader, because splendid hunger is not what you're saying here--and splendor hunger thrilled THIS reader, so I am glad to see it stayed! Tell you what, I see the little changes--flickeringings was a typo, so no biggie, but taking the "a" out before mate or marauder reads better and says more.--(as a sparkling adornment--) reads better as well. Such tiny tiny changes, but that's what re-writing entails as we veteran re-writers know all too well. Again, your two wings are in place, which I loved right off the bat--and there you go, my Second Opinion--laugh. Now Joanne, I am going on a weekend trip -- which is a bad time for The Poetic Link, I know, but it has to happen. I'll be back Sunday night in time to take part in whatever's happening then. Just so you know. Best--Marcia PS--splendor hunger and marauder still light my candle!

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2004-04-30 03:46:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.33333
Dear Joanne You've captured here what I imagine most nature lovers feel when encountering one of god's splendid creations, the "you beautiful thing, stay, just a moment longer, so I can adore you more!" Gently you tease out the dragonfly's presence, imperceptible in its camoflage but for the movement of its head, sensitive to whether it will become mate or meal. You, of course, are neither. "Just" an admirer... Who cannot be left wanting their "splendor hunger" to be sated more by these chance encounters with beauty? Nicely done ... Warm regards, Mark.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-04-30 02:23:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.70000
Joanne--Too bad you had to repost this because of that small spelling hiccup. It is now perfect and possess that ever present appeal for nature lovers and JMU aficionados. I am really glad you were able to visit "Does Love Die" (your comments made me choke-up). I also enjoyed your expounding of the incident involving the dragonfly, the car and your husband(that story is great and actually makes superb fodder for another "Autograph"-smile). TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: G. Donald Cribbs On Date: 2004-04-30 00:30:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.59459
Dear Joanne, I like this minor edit. It works well. I'd keep your corrections moving forward. A few things I have failed to mention in the last critique. I noticed a very steady metered beat in the words of the poem, line by line bobs like the dragonfly itself. A very excellent element that unifies and ties this whole poem together for me. Sorry I failed to mention it before. A question for you. I'm not sure I get the last line gramatically. Do you really mean to say splendor hunger? As in my splendor hunger? I want to read it as "splendid hunger," "my splendid hunger." So, perhaps there's something I'm reading wrong here? Can you please clarify that? I don't want to miss out on this ending to such a fine poem. Really, I appreciate your sharing both versions with us and I'm better to have read it. Regards, Don

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