This Poem was Submitted By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2004-05-03 05:07:23 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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My teacher

I could be one of her boys If I wasn’t already. There, lonely on the school bench, Wishing that she would see me, She stands out, orchid in bloom Against a concrete empire. My hair, too long and greasy Rattles like a squeaky door Getting wrong the attention I am desperate to compel. If she lets me pass by, now, I’ll be a melted icecream No longer with will or way To congeal into some great Adonis for her senses Or radio she’ll tune to For that perfect, perfect song I learnt while watching her go Watching me watching her go.
Copyright © May 2004 Mark Andrew Hislop

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-06-06 08:43:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.62963
Hi Mark, Oh the desperation of a boy in love with his teacher! When I was a senior in high school a new music teacher was hired...even tho she was not much older than we were. She was very attractive and I think all the boys fantazied about her and most of the girls hated her. ....'she stands out, orchid in bloom against a concrete empire' like this line ....'my hair too long and greasey, rattles like a squeaky door'...'getting wrong the attention I wish to compel'...negative attention is better than no attention...even a look or a smile directed at you would have been welcome!...'I'll be a melted icecream' this line made me smile...so indicative young boy in love....'for that perfect, perfect, song I learnt while watching her go'......ummmm'learnt' was she an english teacher? 'watching me go, watching me go.' Cute poem! Peace....Marilyn

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-05-30 16:57:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.37500
Mark, I enjoy your stuff, and can relate to most of it. This requires little analysis and comments - only reading and enjoying. Romantic, sensual almost to the point of erotic IMO. For that perfect, perfect song - [doubly "perfect"!] I learnt while watching her go - [I know "learnt" is intentional, and it says so much more. Excellent.] Another superior piece. Write on in happiness and peace. wrl
This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Anne Korb On Date: 2004-05-28 22:08:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.28571
Delightful! The only problem I have with this lovely poem that describes a young man's crush on his obviously good looking teacher is....how does long, greasy hair "Rattle like a squeak door?"
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-05-25 09:36:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.82609
Ah, Mark you capture so tenderly the childhood crushes that were at once both painful and wonder filled. My teacher I could be one of her boys If I wasn’t already. There, lonely on the school bench, Wishing that she would see me, [we see the boy clearly in just these few words She stands out, orchid in bloom Against a concrete empire. Splendid analogy - My hair, too long and greasy Rattles like a squeaky door hmmm...do squeaky doors rattle or do they just squeak? Does greasy hair really rattle? perhaps another verb? Getting wrong the attention I am desperate to compel. wow...what an amazing desciption of feeling - the desire vs the powerlessness - If she lets me pass by, now, I’ll be a melted ice[] cream [cone? or why the article a?] No longer with will or way To congeal into some great Adonis for her senses [an adonis for the senses - love it!] Or radio she’ll tune to For that perfect, perfect song I [learned] while watching her go Watching me watching her go. wonderful!
This Poem was Critiqued By: G. Donald Cribbs On Date: 2004-05-10 21:53:18
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mark, You're right in what you said in the last response. I am seeing a difference here. It's a simple rule of time and numbers. The more you write, the more you learn. I think you are starting to hear your poetic voice more clearly. Perhaps you've attained a greater level of writing sophistication. There are plateaus, though, I'm afraid. I'm in one myself. Which is why I'm here critiquing, because of what it's teaching me to absorb new and current poetry by fellow poets like yourself so that I can find a "road not taken" and get farther up the mountainous path of writing better poetry. I see what you mean by clusters of words. I'd recommend Robert Bly's "Leaping Poetry" which talks about the subconscious and the three brains. Rainer Maria Rilke (german poet) is a great one to read. Also, James Wright (a buddy of Bly's) and Bly himself. "A Little Book on the Human Shadow is good stuff too. For poetry, I suggest "Silence in the Snowy Fields," or just his "Selected Poems." If you've got the time, then take it like a wildman. Seriously. I know for myself, being married, with a son, and taking care of ten kids for our job is hectic, and rarely gives me any time to write. So, be grateful for it if you have it, and use every second of it. You'll be grateful later. I liked this "school crush" piece. Some interesting thoughts going on here. Nice play on words, and playing with how you're laying it out, like before. I love "I'll be a melted icecream." Awesome! I'd work on her persona a bit more. She's a bit too perfect. You played with the Adonis, perhaps another greek metaphor? Face that launched a thousand ships, something in that direction? She hinges completely on that one "orchid in bloom," which isn't bad. It's okay, but it could be better. And, I found the greasy hair part a bit too distracting. Something doesn't sit right with it. I'd say keep it, but tweak it a bit more. Otherwise, a great piece and a nice read. Thanks! Keep believing and listening for that writer's voice. You will hear it. Warm regards, Don
This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcia McCaslin On Date: 2004-05-09 01:08:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Mark--well, what we all live for on this site is feedback, feedback, feedback. This really speaks to me, and the best part is your ending "Watching me watching her go." Remember the song: I'll Be Lookin' Back To See If You'll Be Lookin' Back To See..if I'm lookin' back to see if you'll be lookin' back at me? I can still hum the tune and it's been a hundred years--maybe more. Laff. You've touched on my experience here and that's why I'm responding enthusiasticly. "watching her go, Watching me watching her go. How much clearer could it be. How much more nostalgic could it happen for me? You'll be a melted ice cream--pretty good, detailed description there! ng that she would see me, She stands out, orchid in bloom Against a concrete empire. Excellent S--and my favorite. The "orchid in bloom" and the "concrete empire" just say it all, in very poetic terms. My hair, too long and greasy Rattles like a squeaky door Your hair, too long and greasy--but rattles? Isn't there another word for long, greasy hair. Well, it's your poem--if that's what you want, I'll try to wrap my poetic imagination around it--laff laff. Getting wrong the attention I am desperate to compel. Yes, this sounds like a kid--"getting wrong"--a good line here to portray what a kid might think. No longer with will or way To congeal into some great Adonis for her senses Or radio she’ll tune to I sense the "young" desperation here--or the compulsion. Well, Mark, we've all been there--done that. Nothing unusual, except your bringing it back to our attention. (Thanks) I've already commented on your ending which, again, takes me back to the song I first cited. A cute, nostalgic trip into the insecurities of high school. My Best, Marcia
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-05-06 19:33:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
A different love for a teacher! This is intriguing, Mark! I like the humor in the poem and I believe you've presented a realistic scenario that happens in the school or academe. Yours is youthful and very vibrant. I really like the thoughts very much! "There, lonely on the school bench, Wishing that she would see me," Tickling! I am remember my Physics teacher. I got the feeling for her before. That's why I took Physics! I like the inclusion of metaphors, an orchid in bloom against a concrete empire. How powerful she is! And the metaphor you used for yourself as a melted icecream is really nice! It brings a youthful thought! Icecream for little boys and girls! And the ending is very very lovely! "Adonis for her senses Or radio she’ll tune to For that perfect, perfect song I learnt while watching her go" Very fresh ideas for me! I love this very very much! Thanks for the delight it gives me! Jordan
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