This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-05-08 11:14:43 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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I Am Fred (chapter two)

From my garden I eyed the elf named Fred He still wore his suit of brilliant red His jaunty hat sat askew on his head Where have you been, are you well? I said I journeyed to visit my beloved, I am Fred, he said Did not your sprite flee as your name is Fred? That she did milady but I am Fred, he said Did you entice her to lay in your garden bed? Nay milady she calls me Bob but I am Fred, he said He danced a jig, his mood was spirited You shan't change your name, I said agitated Don't fret yourself milady, I am Fred, he said But I fear you shall become addle patted Nay, Fred said, I was a wee bit twitterpated Till I spied my sprite is mostly bow-legged

Copyright © May 2004 marilyn terwilleger

Additional Notes:
For those of you who did not read the first 'I am Fred' you may want to so this one will make more sense (I think) This is all Claire's fault as she urged me to write more about this little elf!


This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-06-05 16:09:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.91837
I like fred, [I said] in his suit of brilliant red Should we stop to ponder fred! Where have you been, are you well? I said I journeyed to visit my beloved, I am Fred, he said Did not your sprite flee as your name is Fred? I can understand that - what with spirtes having really romantic names and "Fred" sort of servicable That she did milady but I am Fred, he said Did you entice her to lay in your garden bed? hold your eyes kiddies! Nay milady she calls me Bob but I am Fred, he said Bob? just plain bob [laughing out loud!} He danced a jig, his mood was spirited You shan't change your name, I said agitated Don't fret yourself milady, I am Fred, he said But I fear you shall become addle patted Nay, Fred said, I was a wee bit twitterpated[ l love this word] Till I spied my sprite is mostly bow-legged oh oh ....so clever and cute, whimiscal and jolly this poem is adorable!


This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2004-05-31 21:13:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Marilyn, I love your little elf, and Claire was right in encouraging you to continue his saga. It is humorous, light hearted and fun. Exactly what I needed to read tonight. Sherri
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-05-17 17:50:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn: I had to find your original (hidden in March offerings) and this one is not on my list so I'm critiquing from the All Viewers. Mercy, you are one popular girl that I have to expend such efforts to find your poetry! (And this is not a "critique" but a look-see, per request. Okay so far?) This would certainly find an audience with children. Who could resist the Cockney Fred Elfkin? Or mayhaps Liverpudlian gnome? Or Irish, etc. In other words, your lil' man is quite appealing, particularly in his speech. That you are in your garden speaking with an elf is no ordinary day but the charm lies in the character you created. I had to read the first poem to get the significance of "Bob" and then enjoyed this neat idea that our leprechaun cannot find his soul mate because of his name. Quite clever! You have perfect pentameter in many of your stanzas in Fred II which makes my ear listen for that same cadence again. Not a negative, merely an observation. Your rhymes are cute and this is not a metered poem and your assonance is quite appealing throughout. I would suggest either no punctuation or complete punctuation, Marilyn. You know how odious I am on grammar/punctuation. You use the word "pate" twice for a rhyme as in addle-pated and twitter-pated so I would change one. Luckily there are kajillions of ate word rhymes. "I fear you shall become ill fated" "I fear you shall be left gate-waiting" or.... use "agitated" from Stanza 4 as it makes no rhyme, and use "I said I fear it" to make the rhyme with spirited. Also Miss Picky here thinks you could do more with "bow-laygged" or "bow-leg-gaited". To further or extend his accent, you might use "me" in lieu of "my". As in "I spied me sprite is most bow-laygged." I find this so charming and imaginative and you certainly cannot stop now! To continue the "Bob" fantasy, he could learn that his sprite wasn't calling him Bob but asking for bob (money). This could easily become a series of children's poems to fill a book. I am serious...I think it a worthy endeavor and I can already imagine the drawings of Fred, the elf without bob. (Couldn't curtsy). If I lost you somewhere in this olio of ideas, e-mail me. Tarradiddle from me but mayhaps something will ring a bell and/or you will be encouraged to continue your Fred Saga. I am hoping you will. Best always, Mell
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L. West On Date: 2004-05-17 13:34:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Hi Mom, I've been thinking a lot about Fred and I think he should try nymphs instead! If Fred and his love were truly fated, physical attributes wouldn't be over-rated. As you can tell, I've been in the acorn beer. Thanks for posting this light-hearted piece. I have to quit now before I lose control and write Fred into worse situation that he already finds himself! Love, Sherri
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-05-14 00:54:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Hi Marilyn, Thank you! I am just having fun reading and visualizing the story. And thanks to Claire also that you were inspired to write this sequel. There is oneness allthroughout with the 'ed' which when read aloud, it is pleasing. This piece can be a source of educational material in school regarding prounounciation or intonation or the like. Thank you very much for sharing, Marilyn. I hope you will have more time to spend here in the link. I know you are working now. God bless to you. Jordan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-05-08 20:20:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Marilyn–I see you're still showing that versatilely that all the best writers have. The ability to scribe various genres (serious as well as humorous) with no fall off in quality; this is a "no pause" continuation of the initial story and in the same Dr.Seuss vein. These tercet/rhyme scheme, line breaks and enjambments makes this back and forth banter a great sequel and cute fun piece. We also must convey some thanks to C.C. who requested more of this likeable dwarf. Now that you’ve got more of us hooked, we want more of same milady-smile. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcia McCaslin On Date: 2004-05-08 19:38:54
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn--first of all, whatever you (& Claire) are drinking, I'll have the same! Here is Fred again in his most spritely-elk-y self-y. See? Now it's happening to me! So he admits he was twitterpated--til he discovered "his love" was mostly bow-legged. How cute is that! The last few poems I've critiqued have been mostly serious--and I am sure ready for this one! (addlepated is what my online dict. says) Maybe it was intentional. (Maybe it was what you drank). It's the acorn beer--it just occured to me--you went up there in your fur bikini--got sloshed--and wrote a sequel to Fred. Fred is really cute. Let Claire talk you into a whole series! Laffs--Marcia
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