This Poem was Submitted By: Edwin John Krizek On Date: 2004-05-20 08:34:42 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!

Click Here To add this poem to your "Voting Possibilities" list!


Ocean City Weekend

OCEAN CITY WEEKEND I. The Weather Pinpoints of water collect on my glasses. I look into the white mist trying to see – anything. Gray fog is my answer. We fear our ignorance. Up ahead strolls a shadow. I whistle as I walk past. II. The Dream In the end we laughed about our traumas and smiled wistfully  for our losses. After all it was just a game some of us  took too seriously. If we could have been good-natured from the start, things might not  have gotten so out of hand. III. The Newstand The lottery machine squeaks out little tones of hope. The regular players line up  to pick a winner. The Fire Chief’s red SUV pulls up. Out steps a man in a navy blue uniform. But, there is no fire. Local heroes staring at their tickets burn their numbers into memory. Now the lottery machine is quiet. But tomorrow, tomorrow could bring us a fortune.

Copyright © May 2004 Edwin John Krizek


This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcia McCaslin On Date: 2004-06-06 18:54:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.63636
Edwin--a wonderful 3-part film, complete with the Norman Rockwell paintings which capture every emotion known to man, and the colorful picture of red SUV and navy blue uniform. Everybody--high and low--staring at their tickets, planning what they'd do with all that 'won' money. And tomorrow, tomorrow...all of us share in the hope, the disappointment, the ensuing hope because there's always tomorrow's draw. I do, if I may say so again, liken your work to Norman Rockwell--and that's not bad company to be in! The emotion grips us--the universality says--"this is me too"--I'm this and I'm that. I've felt that way. Crisp--short--but packing a GREAT wallop! Thanks. Marcia


This Poem was Critiqued By: Regis L Chapman On Date: 2004-06-02 18:16:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Wow. Superlative snapshots in each of the three sections. Taken together they make a good amount of sense, especially just after the long weekend, as the three days make sense to me in that way also, but I understand this was written not about the Memorial Day weekend. The first section hit me the most. Really ingenious turns of phrase. Even though I understand the physical aspect of seeing vague shapes in the fog, the fog in this case seems both physical and metaphorical at once, and it's in the metaphorical sense that it's so poignant. The second section I missed the point of completely, leaving me guessing about what game- football or what? Still the echoes of it for are sort of a guys game in which you all got full of testoterone moxie and went too far with it. That's the best I can gather from it. I like the 3rd section, as it makes clear the other 2 parts as well. So I feel this poem a Part 1=Past, Part 2= Shared Pain, Part 3=Hope. A nice cycle and one that's appropriate for spring and renewal. Also for some reason I think of the NorthEast, and the relationship that the men had in Good Will Hunting. Great job. Thanks, REEG!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Anne Korb On Date: 2004-05-28 23:07:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.28571
These are three separate poems...each beautiful. But in I...I don't understand how one could gaze into white mist and yet be met with grey fog...but you've managed to portray the loneliness and the isolation of walking past someone you really can't see in that mist...I love the imagery. In number 2, The Dream...I want to know more about this dream....what got out of hand? And in number 3, I could HEAR the lottery machine, and feel the loss, now renewed hope for tomorrow.....keep writing John..you're really very good.
This Poem was Critiqued By: G. Donald Cribbs On Date: 2004-05-23 20:15:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.84615
Edwin, I like the potential here with these three "mini poems" or vignettes which make up the content of your poem. I think there's a lot of good here to work with and I think this can have a tremendous impact depending upon your intentions. I would like to offer some feedback which I think might help make this stand out stronger on the page, or have a more profound impact. As my mom said, take what you like and leave the rest. I like the casual tone and mood of this poem. You do a great job with the atmosphere (Literally in stanza 1, figuratively throughout the piece) I like the topic of the beach, lots of meaty potential there! I like how you broke it up into Weather, Dream, Newsstand. Those work well, and add to the piece overall. I think separately, these work well as vignettes. What I don't think you're able to do successfully here is to tie the three together more. Your inferences and phrases hint at a connection, but they remain hidden from the reader. Perhaps you know the way this connects, because you might be writing about real events, but you need to do a bit of tweaking to bring this up to the surface more, and let the reader get it. I think with that one correction, this poem would leap off the page and astonish us all! I challenge you to a revision, and I eagerly await the next posting. Thank you for letting us have a chance to offer our advice, I hope this helps, and if not, I hope I haven't been a total waste of your time. I welcome your reply. Warm regards, Don
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-05-23 20:13:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.21429
Ah yes, Edwin, the anticipation of winning at whatever game there is going, eh? Well said with some nice imagery - the weather setting a mood, the dream creating another, then the closing is excellent, expressing what all players feel [IMO]. I might make the pause between the tomorrows a little stronger with a hyphen or ellipsis. Other than that, I see nothing to suggest. Another day, another opportunity. Nice write. Peace. wrl
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2004-05-22 19:44:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Interesting trilogy. So this is what you do on a w/e.! The first one is quite visual with a little bit of homespun philosophy, ie we fear our ignorance. I wonder if this part of your trilogy would all be written in the third person, or maybe the first person to make it more meaningful..."I fear my ignorance." You mix the two pronouns in this stanza. In the dream it is all about "we". And the last, well, that's left alone. Was all that deliberate? In the Dream, what got out of hand? Was it a hockey game? Thanks for posting.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-05-21 09:50:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.26923
Edwin- Another interesting piece. Three different angles on life and its experiences. The weather colors our world, changes the view. The shadow ahead speaks to the future unknown. The dream section speaks to that inner weather that tempers our lives as we interpret the present through the glass of the past. The slot machine-ness of life. The waiting for luck to come our way. The images of power and authority - uniforms and colors create and transform people and objects into larger concepts that we've come to know as "important" or "necessary" and "larger than life" - then we're reminded that they're just people, too, people like us, waiting for the next set of numbers. And the hope that tomorrow will be better than today. The present, an extension of the past, the future living out of that present, shaped by our perceptions and dreams. tom
Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link

Click HERE to return to ThePoeticLink.com Database Page!