This Poem was Submitted By: Michael N. Fallis On Date: 2004-06-01 11:24:02 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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MY BEST The teeth in my mouth have rotted and gone.
The soles of my shoes are worn bare.
I am broken and busted and lost as a sheep
And for sure all my dreams are nightmares.
The path I have traveled...wrought with pot holes
And dangers around every curve.
I have paddled a river with rapids galore
Where I floated on sweet salty tears.
And although I stand here...a wreck of a man;
A failure in all that life tests,
'Tis the comfort I find, deep in my soul
With the knowledge, that I did my best.
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Copyright © June 2004 Michael N. Fallis
Additional Notes:
Copyright ©2004 Michael N. Fallis
Poetry.com
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-07-03 16:16:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.65385
Hi Michael,
In my job I work with many homeless and very poor people and as I read your
words I found them to be so descriptive that I could almost see one of those lost souls
standing in front of me asking for help. However, as I read on I could see that the
man here was not finacially poor but rather is a man whose spirit is broken and one who
has lost all of his self esteem...which is the most poor of all. I really like the
simplicity of this piece as this man reflects on his past and realizes he has missed
the mark at every fork in the road. Such a sad revelation. You have used some very
effective descriptors to paint a picture of this man in his grief....'rotted and gone..
..shoes are worn bare.... broken and busted and lost as a sheep...all my dreams are
nightmares (that one really got me!)...rapids galore..floated on sweet salty tears...a
wreck of a man...failure in all...deep in my soul the knowledge that I did my best'..I
was so relieved to read the last phrase...it suddenly gave me hope for this lost soul and
the feeling that against all odds he will prevail. This poem is sad and I feel the
pathos but it is also a poem about strength of the human spirit which without that none
of us would survive...good job.
Peace....Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2004-06-30 13:35:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.15385
Mike,
See, i've got a critiquer score of something like 8.1 - the only "qualifier" under 9, or 9 and a half. My goal is to reach the immortal low of 7 or so. This critique should help me.
Oh, yes, your poem. I have no complaints about it, nor praise for it.
Mark
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lennard J. McIntosh On Date: 2004-06-16 22:44:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Re: "MY BEST"
The theme of this poem is as noble and timely as it was the early millennum(s) of man's
existence. Moreover, I admire the writer's choice of words. Nevertheless, there are a couple of
points I would like to address that I do hope may be helpful.
"Bare" and "nightmares," strike me as somewhat forced rhyme. Perhaps if the line were
re-worded to allow the singular, "nightmare," it would sound better. Incidentially, only
about five percent of poetry written today is in rhyme pattern. This gives writers an
important decision to make. The vast majority of poetry readers are seeing free verse. This
doesn't mean a writer must adhere to the most popular style. It's merely nice to know, as I'm
assuming the trend affects reader preferences.
Thank you for posting. I enjoy your work. A fellow poet,
Len McIntosh
This Poem was Critiqued By: Regis L Chapman On Date: 2004-06-09 19:42:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
What an interesting and paradoxical work this is. Extremely sad right until the end, I find it a representation of most hard bike rides I have done, and nearly every bike race I ever did also. I found much in myself through these apparent failures, so in the end, as with this work, it was my best.
Super good work. I have no critique of this work, as it's great as it is.
I just noticed your poetry.com note, and I am glad you are here instead of there now.
Thanks,
REEG!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-06-02 22:32:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Michael, some very nice work with the assonance, slant and interior rhymes, with some excellent imagery thrown in. The punctuation and hesitations make this a rewarding read with a nice rhythm.
The teeth in my mouth have rotted and gone. - [I might use semicolons for some of these series of thoughts.]
The soles of my shoes are worn bare.
I am broken and busted and lost as a sheep
And for sure all my dreams are nightmares. - [Maybe "...sure each of my dreams, a nightmare."? for singular]
The path I have traveled...wrought with pot holes - [I suggest using "is" to replace the ellipsis.]
And dangers around every curve. - [Maybe "With dangers...."? Not critical, just a suggestion.]
I have paddled a river with rapids galore - [How about plural "paddled rivers" delete the "a" for flow?]
Where I floated on sweet salty tears. - [Sweet salt?? Maybe a different adjective, without losing the alliteration? Just a thought.]
And although I stand here...a wreck of a man; - [A comma might be sufficient instead of the semi-colon?]
A failure in all that life tests,
'Tis the comfort I find, deep in my soul
With the knowledge, that I did my best. _ [Suggest leaving out the comma here]
Wonderful effort, despite all my suggestions - for that is ALL they are. Write on in harmony and peace. wrl
This Poem was Critiqued By: Gerard A Geiger On Date: 2004-06-01 16:40:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Dear Michael;
The indomitable spirit of man.
defeated in battle and game, yet proud
that you did your best. You may
have failed, but you did so with the
purest and most noble intentions and effort.
A heartening work...affirming that all is not
lost if you did your best...
I love the sentiment and the simple
elegance of your rhyme scheme.
I cannot improve your work. Thank you
for the opportunity to read this piece.
Gerard
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