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This Poem was Submitted By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-06-08 12:21:22 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Gambling on Mermaids

Well - you're the “Cabo San Lucas” of friends! As I drink with you through this evening And the sun slides away from sensible day Into troubling night, we'll hop, bar to bar, Then throw poems into the green ocean, Hoping to hear tales of daring mermaids. Once, when I was younger, and very stoned, I took an albatross to Srinigar And wished from long boats on Dal Lake That we could see through the long galaxy All the way to Ursa Major’s baby cubs Winking in the shimmering sky high above. But oh my, those baritonics can slight - Gathering at the old oak door you could Curse me and laugh at my childish dreams (And that garbled verb clause I've hung out to dry !) May boiling epithets rain down on you! (Hey, was was you screaming from the turret?) I am not alone in wanting some peace. Unicorns have shown some interest, but They've lost their purchase, that screw too hard, This wood wet and rotting. You never know, This could be a short wait. Who can foresee? It's whispered mermaids will call from the deep.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jacob W Roberts On Date: 2004-07-06 20:19:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
This poem is interesting in its construction. Formal in the sense that it is made of sextets, informal in its shape. Why the albatross allusion? It all seems to me like an introduction to a very interesting story that you don't tell, though. The two companions the poem points toward raise my interest as a reader, but it seems the overly poetic / sentimental side of the narrator kicks in and keeps their relationship from view (in any rewarding sense). It's sort of like reading in a comic, with the bubble and the words in the bubble, but the speaker is just a lot of interesting looking lines. To me that's disappointing, but for you it could very well be a success. The disappointment is that it seems to be a touting of idealism with very little maturity to counteract it. Maybe just an anecdote for the sake of generosity? A little disenfranchisement? Outright selfishness? Otherwise the poem seems disingenuous. Very nice subject matter, enjoyable to read overall.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-07-02 19:17:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80000
T.: You've always given brief and pithy reviews but for me, my pithiness flees without all those long words behind which to hide. However, I mentioned mermaids to you not long ago and I can only assume the notion took hold and has been festering in your innards ever since. Introductory comment aside, your 1st stanza captures some lovely imagery: "sun slides from sensible day into troubling night" and "throw poems into into the green ocean, hoping to hear tales of daring mermaids." This comes across as adventuresome and romantic but stanza 2 finds you bearing an albatross to India and then the non sequitur of being able to see the baby cubs of Ursa Major. That is quite original and unique, T., even for you! It is apparent to the reader that you are more brilliantly imaginative when stoned. Stanza 4, line 1, "wanting some peace" seems a bit plebeian for the poem. I suggest "longing for" or another phrase. I was mentally preparing my green-sequinned mermaid costume and I would leave a slit so "Twisted Sisters" would show but if unicorns are in that shape (!) and your boat is rotting, I'll have to pass. I like your ending of this could be brief, who kows? "It's whispered mermaids will call from the sea." Bravo! Best wishes, Most pithiless. You have concocted a savory brew here and while most likely wide of the mark, I enjoyed the poem more than most.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-06-24 21:26:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.38462
Thomas, thought-provoking, originality- adorned, imagistic group of sestets. A most enjoyable read. Thanks so much for posting this one. The way you skip from one image to such an array of other images is amazing. They seem unconnected, yet from your pen, you manage to have them in complete attunement. Only one question: Was this meant to be a stammer, or is it a typo? (Hey, was [was] you screaming from the turret?) Other than that, fellow poet, I can make no suggestions. On the list with it - pronto!

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-06-15 13:55:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Gambling on Mermaids Hmm, okay lessee...in a perfect world would it be mer-women of the sea ? No, wait ….mer-people? Oh hell nevermind. Gambling and [gamboling] on mermaids is such a pretty thought Well - you're the “Cabo San Lucas” of friends! And you the Coney Island of parodists As I drink with you through this evening Make it a lemon drop martini – hold the vermouth And the sun slides away from sensible day Into troubling night, we'll hop, bar to bar, Then throw poems into the green ocean, Hoping to hear tales of daring mermaids. and if we don’t’ hear them we’ll just make’em up Once, when I was younger, and very stoned, I took an albatross to Srinigar That was YOU? And wished from long boats on Dal Lake That we could see through the long galaxy All the way to Ursa Major’s baby cubs [and tickle them!} Winking in the shimmering sky high above. But oh my, those baritonics [is that like baritones?]can slight - Gathering at the old oak door you could Curse me and laugh at my childish dreams No no no – I want to romp in them – gamboling with unicorns (And that garbled verb clause I've hung out to dry !) it was a little damp around the edges, yes May boiling epithets rain down on you! And may you find a toad in your soup and a worm in your porridge, may your head grown into the earth like a cabbage and may all your children become poets. (Hey, was was [lose one "was"] you screaming from the turret?) Well, yes, did you expect quiet from me after you locked me there? I am not alone in wanting some peace. Unicorns have shown some interest, but They've lost their purchase, that screw too hard, This wood wet and rotting. You never know, This could be a short wait. Who can foresee? Oy, Physician - heal thyself! It's whispered mermaids will call from the deep. sh sh –I can hear them

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2004-06-08 13:00:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Poet, This has a faint whiff of a poem i've seen before, and a place i've been. I was there a few years after you. I see it smelt the same when you were there. I'd like to know why, when this poem has apparently yet to receive a critique, i only get 2 points for critiquing it. There is a ghost in this machine. Without doubt. The mystici decoder is making the strangest sounds, as if we were on the verge of the Apocalypse. I will pull the plug, again . . . but the thing has a mind of its own. I envy you your bond with your boyhood chum. You shall catch a great fish, together, one day. Does this qualify as a critique? Critiquer

This Poem was Critiqued By: G. Donald Cribbs On Date: 2004-06-08 12:51:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
TEW, You've gotta lay off the booze and other stuff...that is, unless you really want to see mermaids wherever you go. But, perhaps this is the gamble you're making here with this one. You want to drink enough to reach the point where you'd dive into the green ocean (a wonderful image which reveals much to the reader of the life and wonder beneath the surface...subconscious thoughts in feminine forms) and find your way among mermaids. There is definitely a connection between the stars and constellations above and the ocean, particularly the living green ocean below. A nice connection drawn into the layers of meaning here. Well done, my friend. Your journey is not alone here, your companion goes with you. A nice way to draw the conclusion as you do, "I am not alone in wanting..." This is a journey we are all on. But, you allude to the fact that there's something mysterious about the spiritual nature and we are all aware of it, as mermaids call from the deep. An enjoyable read, and one which makes me think. I will have to reflect upon this one for a long while. Warm regards, Don

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