This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-06-18 15:56:31 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Tree

On a barren knoll hued in dusty khaki there stands a leafless tree it is as undone as a tree can be With hanging branches scrawny and shabby, in wavy dark shadows that wag as if on sea there stands this splintered tree Here the hot simoom blows free  and the bark weeps for dignity. Nary a twig nor a puff of dust or scree darts or drops upon the deserted pageantry Piercing beyond the ossified and sere tapestry of this old suffocating tree there emerged a frond, verdant and simple to see.

Copyright © June 2004 marilyn terwilleger


This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-07-07 18:45:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.92308
Hi, Marilyn There is something very Emily Dickinson like about your wring and about this poem in particular. I think it is the art of gentle understatement rather than the theme or style. On a barren knoll hued in dusty khaki there stands a leafless tree it is as undone as a tree can be ‘undone’ with its myriad meanings is marvelous here With hanging branches scrawny and shabby, in wavy dark shadows that wag as if on sea there stands this splintered tree Alas, poor tree – but how well you describe her and what undertone s of loss are I this poem Here the hot simoom [I don’t know this word but it is lovely]blows free and the bark weeps for dignity. Nary a twig nor a puff of dust or scree darts or drops upon the deserted pageantry I think the word “pageantry” is a syllable too long for the line –perhaps another word for “deserted?” Piercing beyond the ossified and sere tapestry of this old suffocating tree there emerged a frond, verdant and simple to see. A new hope grows – wonderful!


This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-06-21 04:23:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.31250
Hey- You stole simoom!! I was wondering where she went.... tom
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-06-20 03:24:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.41667
Marilyn--As an avid plant lover with an assortment of vibrant flowers and fruit trees (that I dote on) this piece depressed me immediately and throughtout until the last stanza (exactly what a good piece of writing is supposed to do--touch/ move the reader). The sad/somber tone for the first three strophes is garnered through a collection of morose descriptors (barren, dusty khaki, leafless, undone, scrawny and shabby, dark shadows, splintered, hot, weeps) and my favorite lines; "Nary a twig nor a puff of dust or scree darts or drops upon the deserted pageantry" (it can't get any worse than this!) Vivid desolate imagery is created by the combination of descriptors and superb end rimes, which also produce an excellent musical/melancholy rhytmm. The sparsity of punctuation allows flexible or self-tempered reading(s). The great twist/turn of stanza #4 gives this tight story a redeeming feature: the seemingly moribund "Tree" is alive after all. The reader(s) are left to ponder how (given the circumstances depicted in the first three stanzas). Thanks for sharing this emoting effort. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2004-06-20 02:53:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Marilyn Nice. "it is as undone as a tree can be". Yep. Nice. Mark
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lennard J. McIntosh On Date: 2004-06-18 23:36:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mariyln: You rascal, you've sent me scurrying to the dictionary - I like that. Unless I'm mistaken, (please let me know if I am) this is a fresh, original, rhyme pattern. The long-standing structures of English language poetry has slipped its harness, along with practically every other accepted activity in society(s). I see the practice [in poetry, at least] as creative, adventurous. Moreover, this piece is well-done over-all, and an enjoyable read. A fellow poet, Len McIntosh
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-06-18 17:54:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.35294
Ah, Marilyn, there is a little life left in the old tree, eh? Wonderful read, especially all the s allits. After researching "simoom", I located this poor, struggling for survival tree. How you managed to rhyme all of this without being boring amazes me. Ususally, such an abundance of rhymes [esp. end rhymes] is just that - boring, but not here. This is an exciting and visually explicit read. Wonderful ending, too, a nice surprise to see life remaining, when all along I expected if to turn to the dust surounding it. Thanks for sharing. I cannot see a thing to change, so write on. Peace. wrl
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2004-06-18 16:45:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.40000
Marilyn, Very nice lyrical bounce to this. Great phrase at the end, "simple to see." We usually don't associate sight with ideas of simplicity and complexity, at least not natural sights. You pack a lot of power in that unique use of the phrase. It got me thinking about "simple" sights. Mark
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