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This Poem was Submitted By: Edwin John Krizek On Date: 2004-06-19 07:41:37 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Regret

She is older now. Her blond hair is turning brown with age. As she looks wistfully into the mirror’s silver glass, sad eyes stare back at her. The crow’s feet in her smile punctuate the pain she feels. In the next room two children are playing. Their laughter reminds her she was once a child. Memories of carefree times bounce around her head. She is alone as she remembers. Slowly she turns off the light on the table and moves toward the door. As she opens it she takes a longing look back at her reflection as if searching for a piece of her heart.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-07-04 20:39:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.41860
You paint sadness with your pen so well, the recollections of time's passing. The reader is placed "within" this piece by the use of such excellent images, and the 3rd person works well, too. The truncated lines seem exceptionally effective, Edwin. Only one very slight concern being, that in a few places the sentences seemed very short and choppy, so I wonder if a semi-colon or a comma might replace one or two of the periods in the central portion of this without damaging the content or effect it has on the reader? In the next room two children are playing. Their laughter reminds her she was once a child[.][as] - [delete period, add "as"?] [m]emories of carefree times bounce around her head. She is alone as she remembers[.] - [delete period?] [and][s]lowly [she] turns off the light on the table[,] - [add "and", delete "she"?] and moves - [change "and" to "then" possibly?] toward the door. Just some thoughts for your consideration. No big deal, and I do enjoy it very much as is. Maybe I'm in that sort of reminiscent mood often. Write on, and share. :>) Peace. wrl

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2004-07-01 17:34:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 7.90625
Edwin, I'm beginning to get a feel for your voice. Your paint some good Rockwellian type of poetry portraits. I liked the searching for a piece of her heart. Not the language of it, but the meaning of it here. Which gets me to my observation that it seems you could think some more about form, line length, stanzas, meter (or not) and word choice. You have an innate sense of good imagery. Or, after looking back at the poem, CREATING the sense of good imagery. I see there wasn't a lot of imagery there. A remarkable effect. Best, Mark

This Poem was Critiqued By: Karen Ann Jacobs On Date: 2004-06-21 19:35:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
This poem hits close to home. It flowed wonderfully and I loved the feel of it. I can't find anything wrong or anything I'd change. Thank you for sharing this poem. I wish we didn't have to age. I have to go cheer myself up now, though. :)

This Poem was Critiqued By: Lennard J. McIntosh On Date: 2004-06-19 10:57:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi EJ! Oh, how can see this lady. As part of a poetic style not possessed by everyone who calls themself a poet [this present company included] you've given the reader just enough information be evocative. I'm sure that I know this lady. Yet, I'm not quite sure who she is: perhaps my mother, an aunt? This is the work of a skilled, experienced poet, sir. Congratulations. Len McInosh

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2004-06-19 10:49:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Edwin, wow, the ending is quite unexpected and yet I think it is very human-very much a moment we all coome to when we look in the mirror and see something missing or something remembered. I like the detail in the physical discription in the earlier lines. Good job with this one-one change I might suggest is to not start the poem by telling us she is older now the poem show us that very well and the discription or showing is much stronger than the telling. Sandra

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