Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link

This Poem was Submitted By: Jana Buck Hanks On Date: 2004-06-30 17:54:18 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!

Click Here To add this poem to your "Voting Possibilities" list!

Invisible

The drone of angel wings ground the souls of my feet. Is life, not more profound than drawing golden camels through the eye of a needle? Coral snakes inside my head coil behind my eyeballs, strobeing out SOS to crying human remains of invisibility, in hope that tomorrow never comes or transpires to be a yesterday. Would that the angels stopped this in juncture of life and carried me home born on wings of silence.

Additional Notes:
damn, I'm depressed!

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-07-05 17:49:38
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.46809
Compact and complex piece of work. I like it, and noticed only a couple little problems [IMO]. Spelling of "strobeing" - "strobing" might be incorrect, but it is not even in my MW, and "strobe" is only listed as a noun. So, in order for this to work, you might put it in quotes with a hyphen, like "strobe-ing". But I might consider another verb/synonym. One more, born[e] on wings of silence. - [meaning carried] Other than that, I would change nothing. I hope you recuperate from the depression with much haste. Please write on, and share. Happiness and peace is my wish for you. wrl

This Poem was Critiqued By: Lynda G Smith On Date: 2004-07-05 03:39:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
Jana: I'm not sure how to proceed here... On one hand I want to speak to the poem, while on the other I worry that what I might say be construed as trite. First to the poem. What a way to jump start a thought! The double entendre of 'souls' is perfection. Already the weighty spirit is established. Sometimes the simplest things are the most profound and you made me think on this for a time. There is an ache in the implied need to find self worth, and a wish for a deeper understanding to life's purpose. "what's it all about, Alfie?" as the song asks... we are not alone in wondering. The choice of the venemous coral snake and the stabbing effect of the strobeing(sp?) effect of the sos, stacattoed screams of anger and frustration...perhaps anger at not being seen... invisible....within time that seems futile... tomorrow and tomorrow. Your poem speaks volumes and perhaps that is a good thing. Good that you have so expressively put such serious work into words. I leave it feeling that you have once again hit the nail on the head. I know this feeling. We have all in the past been intimate with it at one time or another. People who live life with passion are bound to hit valleys... it's what makes the mountains so amazing when we get back up there.... Lynda

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-07-03 15:15:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.96296
Jana: I hope that by the time you receive this comment, your depression will have lessened! You are not 'invisible' but highly visible in this work. The hope that "tomorrow never comes" or "transpires to be a yesterday" telegraphs extreme anguish very well. The drone of angel wings ground the souls of my --fresh idea, switching "souls" for 'soles' feet. Is life, not more profound than drawing golden camels through the eye of a needle? Coral --deft assonance of "feet/needle" snakes inside my head coil behind The poem thus far communicates a profound discomfort. Angel wings "drone" like menacing hornets. Impossible tasks loom, like "drawing/golden camels through the eye of a needle." This seems surreal and and begs the question. Colors are strong - "golden camels" and "coral snakes." These animals suggest various things to this reader. Camels can travel for long periods on their inner reserves -- perhaps representing endurance and perseverance. These may seem in short supply for the speaker suggests that the act of drawing camels "through the eye of a needle" is lacking in profundity. Snakes have long symbolized healing. The ancient symbol of Asclepius is a knotted wooden staff around which a mystical snake is coiled, and this became the traditional symbol of medicine. But the snakes are *inside* the speaker's head, thus signaling that all is not well. They are sending (strobeing out)"SOS to crying human remains of invisibility" because the speaker finds the present condition untenable. Would that the angels stopped (in?) this juncture of life and carried me home born on wings of silence. Disturbing poem, but one of depth and great intensity. How can I pass by such anguish unaffected? I wish I could do more than comment, offer my wish for peace and hope. What I have to share is a love of poetry appreciation for the soul-baring poem I've just read. I take some comfort in that the poet expresses a belief that angels have the ability to aid, to know when the time is right for all events. May the angels ease this despairing mood, grant you peace and renewed joy in living.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2004-07-03 09:07:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Jana, I couldn't let this get by without comment. I'm sorry if you're depressed and hope that you recover soon, but I must say that depression sometimes brings out some excellent poetry and this is a good example. Of course the title says plenty and I guess I can really relate to feeling this way. (Although not lately) I like the quatrains used with the enjambment. And ending with a couplet gives just the right emphasis right where you want it. There are powerful images here and I espcially like the question in the beginning and the line "Coral snakes inside my head coil behind my eyeballs, strobeing out SOS to crying human remains of invisibility,". Nicely done, Jana! Thanks for posting this and be well! Jennifer

This Poem was Critiqued By: Robert Wyma On Date: 2004-07-01 15:11:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
The font made it difficult for me to move through the poem that has good emotional context. I tend to view soul as different from soles, but this may have been intentional. The images that emerge hood the reader and push me through to the end, golden camels, and coral snakes are exquisite word combinations that leave me hunting for further meaning. The flow in the poem is okay until I got to the "would that the angels stopped this in juncture of life". This, coupled with the break and the final stanza was a hard stop start for me that took me back to the top to reread. There is also a subtle shift to past tense which confused me in he last four lines. For example, " would the angels stop this juncture of life and carry me home born on wings of silence" keeps the time frame in sequence as an unrealized event. A good emotive poem still. Bob

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-07-01 02:21:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.69565
Jana–This verbiage is as dark as it gets; The five stanza free verse poem struck an emotional cord within me. It has morbid and melancholic tones with no redeeming features (and the type of piece I dislike critiquing). Clearly, this is indeed a cry for help: a real life drama which causes me to suggest real life solutions. Your notes only serve to verify a need for some immediate and serious counseling. Your pain and sense of hopelessness is apparent in your metaphoric enjambments. Although I’m not qualified to venture a remedy, in any sense of the word, I will say (IMO) nothing could ever be so terrible as deserving to harm yourself . Longevity is already quite limited. If nothing else, think of those who would be devastated at your demise. Please seek help! TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2004-06-30 23:49:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.65000
Jana, It's amazing that, after being here for over 4 years, I don't really think often about the therapy of poetry. But there is a therapeutic side, clearly. Or else just a lot of ego. Or cries FOR therapy from someone else. Or maybe the intellectual equivalent of farting after eating. It's amazing. This one was a room clearer. Remember to consider that observation in context. I.e, perhaps this place is about farting. From one bean eater to another. Mark

Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link

Click HERE to return to ThePoeticLink.com Database Page!