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This Poem was Submitted By: Jana Buck Hanks On Date: 2004-07-08 09:38:09 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Symphonious Secret

I wander through each room in warm nakedness looking for a sign, a note, saying goodbye and that you love me. All I find is toothpaste spread on my toothbrush, proving you have been here; this past weekend was not a dream. Three o’clock came early, I vaguely recall you awakening me out of an Ambian haze, with soft caresses. Drugged brown eyes focus slowly on a beautiful smile and loving pickle green eyes. I, hear you off in a distance amid the music of the blood moon, saying soon you will return, admonishing me to remember the bracelet of stars on my right ankle as a physical sign of loving me today, tomorrow and always. Gently you kiss me. Sleep crowds reality and we are gone again into thickness of night. Wrapped in a soft navy blanket; dreaming remembered fragments; the heat of your essence blends with me, now, tomorrow and for always, with the sensation of the sparkling golden bracelet touching my skin, I know all things. In my imagination I wander through each fantasy room in warm nakedness… looking for a sign.

This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2004-08-03 00:15:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.89474
Sometimes the memory of love appears to be more romantic, more diffused than that which appears in real life. In memories, nothing gets in the way, no bills, no fights, no...well, you get the general idea. I envy you your fantasy, which obviously comes from a sensual creative mind. I hope he returns for you. Nice read.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-07-29 19:59:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88462
Jana, another good one from you. I'm beginning to think you're prolific [smile]. There's a lot of fine imagery, assonance - and especially emotion here. Very pleasing to read, but a few suggestions to polish it, if you don't mind: I vaguely recall you awakening me - [change to "waking me" maybe for cadence, and getting the hard "a" out?] out of an Ambian haze, with soft pickle green eyes. I, hear you - [what a color for eyes! but, delete comma?] off in a distance amid the music - [off in "the" distance, or "from a distance" maybe. It just seems odd.]?? of the blood moon, saying soon you will - [more nice assonance!] me. Sleep crowds reality and we are gone again into thickness of night. Wrapped - [Beginning here, this sentence, with all its clauses & phrases seems too complex.] in a soft navy blanket; dreaming remembered - [and, only a comma after blanket, then "I dream..."?] fragments; the heat of your essence blends with me, - [I think a period after "fragments" would improve it.] now, tomorrow and for always, with the sensation of the sparkling golden bracelet touching my skin, I know all things. In my imagination I wander - [down to here. A lot to connect for this reader.] through each fantasy room in warm nakedness… looking for a sign. - [beautiful ending punch] Thanks for posting this for us to share. Best wishes. wrl

This Poem was Critiqued By: Patricia Gibson-Williams On Date: 2004-07-20 01:17:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 6.00000
Hi Jana, This is so soft and warm. I liked how you wrote it with a dream like quality. Like floating on a cloud, through a wonderland. Remembering passion and love, and looking forward to your lovers return. Content knowing that the dream was real, and that you will again know his touch. The bracelet of stars was a nice touch, I have my own that goes on my wrist, from the one who is my sun, moon and stars. I just kind of drifted through your poem in a warm fuzzy haze. If there was anything about it that bothered me it was the description of “pickle green eyes” It just made me laugh in the middle of what was otherwise a seductive poem. I enjoyed reading this; thank you for sharing. ~ Patti ~

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2004-07-15 20:05:46
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Jana, the senuality of your poetry always intrigues me. The only comment I have is that the word nakedness seems too obvious to me. Something else might be more subtle that may only be a personal preference though so see what others say. The navy blanket and the anklet of stars are my favorite images in the poem they are both celestial and imply wonderful things. Nice job with this one. Sandra

This Poem was Critiqued By: Karen Ann Jacobs On Date: 2004-07-11 14:26:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.33333
Jana, This poem was beyond beautiful. It warmed my heart and made me smile. My heart, though, wants to think that this is a mystical friend, even though, the last stanza explains that it was fantasy that is overlapping reality. I want to believe that this is a cleaver rouse to hide the fact that you are writing about a real fairy. I like they way the first and the last stanza are similar and bring a circular conclusion to this tale. The phrase, “Ambian haze” made me feel a foggy mist filled with the smell of flowers, even though I’d never read the word Ambian before. I guessed that it was a form of the word ambiance from the way you used it and I was happy to see, when I looked it up, that I perceived it correctly. Thank you for the new word. I love the feel of it. I just thought of something, off topic, that is neat. By introducing this word into my vocabulary, I will forever see it as you presented it to me. The feeling you were able to imbue into this word will always stick with me. When I come across this word again or when I use it, I will feel that foggy mist and smell those flower. Thank you for the word and an understanding of why it is good to present less common words to our readers. “Loving, pickle green eyes” was a striking image. This adds to the otherworldly quality of your lover. The more times that I read this poem, the more evidence I find of its basis is in reality and I’m happy that reality is so magical for you. Even though you now live in an apartment, nature sings in your blood. I’m left with feeling that I should be looking more for the magic in my every day life. It is there. I just need to see it. Thank you for all you’ve shown me and taught me with this poem. Kay-Ren

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-07-09 11:10:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
Jana....I enjoyed the gentle read of this piece, the feeling of love that did envelope my being as I too found with you the toothpaste on your toothbrush allowing you the knowledge that it was not a dream, that it was real, that he was there with you and your spirit knows for sure he will return to be there again........these days my cardio problems does not allow my brain to understand and pick up what it should but I am telling you from my heart what your words felt like.......and to me it was beautifully executed, images from the beginning to the end stayed with me allowing me to be there with you all the way. Thank you for sharing your God given talent with us. Be safe my friend and God Bless, Claire

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