This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-07-10 22:21:15 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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I Am Fred Chapter 1V

Where are ye, milady?  Called the elf named Fred Are ye in thee garden bed?  I am Fred, he said I'm all a dither with me natty nymph, he said agitated She makes me daft in me head, I am Fred, he said. I'm here beside the shed, where is your suit of red? I said. Me natty nymph wants me in blue instead, he said. She stole me jaunty hat and fled, I am Fred, he said. Where did she flee is she bird-witted?  I said. I know not, milday, she may be cat footed, he said I pray me jaunty hat ain't shredded, I am Fred, he said. Now, now, my wee elf don't be down-hearted, I said. Me thinks I shall find me sprite, I am Fred, he said. But she may be in love with the toad, I said disquieted. Nay, milady she loves only me I am Fred, he said. What do I say if natty nymph returns? I said dumbfounded. Say I changed me name to Bob he said nodding his head! Then off he sped in his suit of blue not red Wee legs stepping high in search of his beloved Oh Fred will you come back?  I cried disappointed Mayhap milady, ye ought remember I am Fred, he said. 

Copyright © July 2004 marilyn terwilleger


This Poem was Critiqued By: Lennard J. McIntosh On Date: 2004-08-02 16:56:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.93750
Re: "I Am Fred Chapter 1V" This is a riotous romp in a whimsical rhyme that should bring a smile to everyone. Writer: "She makes me daft in me head, I am Fred, he said." *** I like the way the writer demonstrates a different pathway to rhyming verse - with three occurrences in the same line. Writer: "I'm here beside the shed, where is your suit of red? I said. Me natty nymph wants me in blue instead, he said." *** Here is a fine example of alliteration working with the cadence of each line and, also running into the next. Further, please notice the unique rhyming pattern of "instead," and "said." Should the word "milday" in the third stanza have been "milady?" I enjoy the ceativity and jaunt of the piece. Good work! Len McIntosh


This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2004-07-26 15:25:20
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.85714
Loverly, and witty, and something to start my day. Reminiscint of Dr. Seuss. I haven't for some reason, read the other chapters. Maybe I should look for them. "Oh Fred will you come back?" Shouldn't you change that to "Oh Fred will ye come back?" in order to fit the rest of the poem. Many Brits drop the "h" as in hat...thus 'at, and 'ed for head. I guess I'll have to wait to find out about his blue suit.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-07-13 01:58:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn-It's good to see our wee little friend back at it again. When he's away, I imagine all sorts of impish carrying-ons (with him the on the wrong end). He appears to have wised up in this latest installment and not a moment too soon. I was wondering if he was bright enough to do something about his finicky lady and rival-smile--well, he answered that (great twist/turn with the name change). I can't wait to see what response/retort his antagonist and or wayward lady will come back with because of his latest antic(s). Thanks for sharing this levity. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-07-11 18:12:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn: I finished my response to your review of "Portrait" and found Round Four with that charmer himself, Fred. This poem doesn't pace the story line in quite the spirited manner of the first three which may indicate you are nearing the end of the first Fred series. S1, line 2, I would change "thee" to "thy." Otherwise, splendid beginning. S2, line 1, I would change "said" to "asked" or queried or questioned as I would reserve the "saids" for Fred and use other verbs for yourself such as line 4 herein. I know how you loathe punctuation but you really need something after "flee". The play of bird-witted and cat-footed made me laugh out loud...very rare for me. Line 3, S 3, I would change "said" to "pled." Stanza 4, line 1, I might change "said disquieted" to "Gently goaded." With this ending, you've left your readers dangling, wanting to know where Fred goes and if he returns...so you must give us closure...or go on forever until he bores you. I don't think I would ever tire of Fred myself! Not sure if this helps any but it's obvious you have well developed the character of charming Fred, his accent, his eccentricities. And all quite well written in the process. I think Fred has great possibilities and could well be published as part of a children's reading program. There are artists and illustrators who will provide sketches just for the byline and further exposure. Most of all, I hope you will not abandon him and see this idea to completion. Another installment of enchanting Fred. well depicted. Best always and more later, Mell
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne Duval Morgan On Date: 2004-07-11 12:51:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi, once again the rhythm of the Irish lore contained in Fred's speech. Caught it right again, another chapter (very original) of Fred, always on a quest. The response from the Human side is fraught with that distinction of wondering, Fred so certain. Guess he's learned what goes around, comes around, huh? Pretty positive. Love the flow you maintain in protraying Fred "The whitty Elf", such imagination. So I don't manage to critique much now, right now the stamina is here, so I take advantage. Besides, I love the Fred character, must be something to do with my Irish linage huh? Love it, great addition, neat chapter to the continuing saga of Fred.....no suggestions, you present it with clarity, rhythm, rhyme and it's so enjoyable (a hidden publication for sure......Love, Jo Mo
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