This Poem was Submitted By: Robert L Tremblay On Date: 2004-07-27 00:13:39 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!

Click Here To add this poem to your "Voting Possibilities" list!


NIRVANA

Ignore me if you must, but words beware, For speak, I, the one tongue of the wise men, That which controls the beastly, roaming herds Through spoken truths and written words from pen. My spirit is timeless, my thoughts do lament, And, if I live or not, remain, I, one With self and faithful to my passion’s vent Of earthly paradise beneath the sun. No one must see me as their foe this time For karma cries out for earthly demands To show the process of a mortal rhyme Condensed upon mathematical strands. As earthly seers developed their own death So, too, I am journeying down this path Of true enlightenment through shallow breath In order that man might not know God's wrath. Alone must I live with this burden, cold? Suppose, I, this is the cross I have wrought In present world both changing and old Where spiritual men may marry naught. Be grateful, modern man, His presence known, May this lift you to dreams beyond belief, For, earnestly, I pray that you’ve been shown That being is precious, one's life here, brief.  

Copyright © July 2004 Robert L Tremblay

Additional Notes:
Hi, eveyone. It's been a while. Just thought I'd post one of my old ones from twenty years ago. Hoping everything is fine with everyone. Bobby T.


This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne Duval Morgan On Date: 2004-07-31 22:42:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Boy I havn't been ignoring you, I've written two critiques to your poem, to finish and try subitting to have each disappear entirely from my computer. I'll try to send shorter comments this time, if they don't go, then I just don't know. Anyhow I like this quieter version of a deeply felt belief, it's projection is milder and carries for me a broarder belief in how strongly you know feel about the state we are in and the inability of what you think is all of us not believing, I believe, why, because I know personally what you project. The values are real, as they are to me, regardless though there will always be a segment of individuals who continue not to belief, all we can do is show the way, how we believe in the inherient good of doing the prinicipled thing. Will we suceed, probably not, you know why because mankind has always be dubious in the Bliss that accompanies the expected trip to the hear after. I do not believe in the doomsday effect though, the good Lord is forgiving, and understands individuals to come to it at different times, and different routes. I can admire someone who literally has given his life to a belief, and the walk that seems to duplicate the walk of Christ, andthat's good, but honestly Robert there is only one Christ, and we have to believe in his goodness, for he doesn't wish ill, orthe end of the world for us, he continues to have faith in us, and it's our earthly challenge to show him, we can reach Heavenly Bliss. I like this version of twenty years ago, when you became aware of all, in Karma which leads to Nirvana. Fitting title, fitting words, soft approach that shows the love and caring. Wish I could have submitted my second version, the notes speak of highlights, but not the sensation the poem created for me....God Bless You always, Jo Mo


This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-07-29 15:01:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.93333
Robert: It's good to see your return. I rarely read the forum but last month, it was agreed that all critiques be brief. Since everyone gets a 10, it's made a joke of a review and its worth. I'm pleased you have posted a poem I may come close to understanding. Not all members have your intelligence and talent and no one wants to appear foolish. An inspirational poem with ebullient liguistry, perfectly rhymed and metered. I would call that an outstanding performance in itself. I find one slant rhyme in Stanza 1 and I think it is an accidental swap of "words" and "beware". In S2, you/speaker tell reader of his timeless spirit, his thoughts sad, regretful, and that it's incidental the length of your life so long as speaker has been faithful to his "passion's vent of earthly paradise beneath the sun." Lovely writing, Robert. My favorite phrases are in S 3: "To show the process of a mortal rhyme Condensed upon mathematical strands." You elaborate your journey which is primarily one of a missionary, bringing the words of truth to all men. It is a cold and lonely sojourn, it seems, but you are a staunch believer in enlightenment. This is my take on what you have written and I hope I'm not in left field. Your final stanza delivers the epiphany. Modern man should be grateful because the Word has been delivered to all. "For earnestly I pray that you've been shown That being is precious, one's life here, brief." I find nothing really new but a crisp, unique way of saying the same words. That artistic tool makes the poem seem newly born, novel, and original to you. What splendid writing to bring the reader to this point of revelation. I think your poem is grand and extend congratulations for this accomplished piece of writing. Best wishes, Mell Morris
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-07-29 14:42:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80952
Bobby T.--Welcome back from your hiatus! And, thanks for bringing this thought provoking piece with you; A persona poem with "true grit." No matter how many times I read "Nirvana," everything about it (IMO)points to the "The Passion Of Christ." Although nonliteral, the language speaks of man's salvation through a mono-sacrifice: "Alone must I live with this burden, cold?; "...this is the cross I have wrought..." An excellent combination of well placed allits (written words; if I; karma cries; man might; men may marry; modern man; beyond belief) and true rimes (words/herds; men/pen; lament/vent; one/sun; time/rhyme; demands/strands; death/breath; path/wrath; cold/old; wrought/naught; known/shown; belief/brief) which not only create vivid imagery but also produce a sonorous ebb and flow. The well written piece takes the reader(s) from a no nonsense warning through matter of fact stating of man's past and present situation with what it will take for the protagonist "... passion's vent of earthy paradise beneath the sun." Furthermore, a more telling caution is issued in the closing stanza: "Be grateful, modern man, His presence known, May this lift you to dreams beyond belief, For, earnestly, I pray that you've been shown That being is precious, one's life here, brief." Thanks for sharing this effort with your fellow TPLers. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-07-28 16:32:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88000
Hi Robert, welcome back. I, too, left for a while, but have been back for a few months now. This was a very pleasant read, and yes, I am truly grateful for this brief moment spent among mortals. When young, I felt immortal, but now realize that I am neither young nor immortal. I did some hesitating during the 1st two stanzas due to the amount of commas, I think. I wonder if it would work with a little re-phrasing to get rid of a couple of them? Maybe, as a suggestion only: Ignore me if you must, but words beware For I speak the one tongue of the wise men, That which controls the beastly, roaming herds Through spoken truths and written words from pen. My spirit is timeless, my thoughts do lament, And if I live or not, remain I, one With self and faithful to my passion’s vent Of earthly paradise beneath the sun. It seems more rhythmic to me this way, but "Hey!" It is yours, and a nice one. Best wishes and thanks for submitting. wrl
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2004-07-27 19:19:38
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Well it may be an old one, but its subject is up to date. Welcome back Bobby. I was wondering where you went to. You speak of Karma, your fate, and I wonder how much of this poem has come true. And of Nirvana...have you seen that side yet? Are you there? Are you enlightened? Of course you cannot say you are (enlightened), because then you wouldn't be! You write of spiritual men who marry naught (in order to be spiritual? enlightened?). In the Jewish tradition, the Rabbi is the spiritual man who "must" get married as part of his spiritual path. Thanks for posting.
Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link

Click HERE to return to ThePoeticLink.com Database Page!