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This Poem was Submitted By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-08-20 19:14:57 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Revelry

Late summer sprinkler Sparrows flit from branch to branch Celebrating life

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-08-31 09:08:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Everyone is doing such a great job with Haiku these days.......and this one adds to the beauty of them all love to watch the sparrows whether it is early morning light or just before dusk...... late summer sprinkler....you have brought these sparrows to life within the lines allowing us to see them as they flit from branch to branch and indeed they do celebrate life to the fullest......love to hear their songs of praise to the Lord above as well.....thanks for posting, this one is true to form and beauty......be safe, God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne Duval Morgan On Date: 2004-08-28 18:53:58
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.90000
Idealic ascene you paint with your words. Thee lines that contain life, and conditions, and living what the intention should be. I havn't been outdoors in so long, but this very aptly written haiku contains so much sensatioin, allowing for a living visya, and very enjoyable scenes, each line leads beautifully to fulfill all the expectations, and allows for many memories in my youth to assail me. So glad your not reluctant to try different styles, I'm really drawn to poems that breath, and accomplish a complete picture using very descriptive terms....My congrats again. Love the Jo

This Poem was Critiqued By: James Edward Schanne On Date: 2004-08-27 13:19:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.17857
I can just see a bird saying "Theres' a party in the maple dudes!" Thanks for letting me read your haiku.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2004-08-22 07:50:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Joanne, What a celebrated entry is this! Powerful images and luscious panoramic scenes! I like the simplicity of your choice of words and the straight to the point subjects. No heavy and complicated details...only beautiful and sweet illustrations. I also enjoyed the effortlessness of your title. The lines, structure and the words are well-thought! Overall, a well-posited poem! You always surpass our expectations! Thank you for this excellent share! As always, Erzahl :)

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2004-08-21 15:56:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Joanne, What a wonderful treat! I log on for the first time in ages and get to read something different from you, A Haiku! This is refreshing in the literal sense. I would have loved to watch this! "Revelry" is a great title for this and the "S" and "B" alliteration is fantastic. The first line gives the reader imagry of nature watching. The use of "flit" in the second line provides even more imagry and you use repetition of branch to a perfect advantage. The conclusion that it's all a celebration of life gives the reader pause to give thanks to the Creator of it all. I don't really have time to critique anymore but I have taken up a new policy. I will no longer pay attention to points and instead will simply pick the poems I want to comment on since I don't really have the kind of time to critique like I used to. The bigest treat of TLP is reading the postings, so from now on that's my focus----To read and then comment on what really moves me. I basicly did the same thing before except I choose off the top of the list and now I will pick from any where that moves me. Thanks for this refreshing snack. I had the munchies! :) Blessings, Jennifer

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-08-21 11:06:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Ah! A perfect haiku! I don't remember your doing haiku before - so this really is a wonderful surprise. The nature/human connection is ably made by the word "celebrating" we can see these little birds fliting =a fine evocative word for sparrows with their little wings.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-08-21 02:19:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.76923
Joanne--Will wonders ever cease? You finally did it-post a haiku. Nice first time offering (simple but effective). All requirements met: 3 lines/5-7-5 syllables/ nature themed. Nice sets of allits (line #1; summer sprinkler and line #2; branch to branch) combine with personification to present vivid imagery of these cute/busy little birds frolicking in the trees on rainy carefree afternoon (all seem to be right with the world). Hope to see more of same (perhaps something involving angels- smile). Thanks for giving TPL this very different example of your versatility. TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-08-20 21:25:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.87500
Joanne, what a change from you! I have not seen the haiku from your pen previously - or I am more senile than I thought. ;>) This is right on target, for syllable count [for those who care], it has season, nature, and a connection between 2 lines, plus the hint of connection to L1 because of the actions in the last 2 lines, creating the obtuse connection to the shower [if that was what "sprinkler" referred to]. That was one of my difficulties, because if it is a lawn sprinkler, that detracts from the natural setting, and injects more of a man-made type of interference IMO, leading almost to senryu. If it is a shower, why not say it simply instead of obliquely. Haiku do not usually play mind games of this type. One more little option for you to consider due to the fact that, in English language haiku, the syllable count is not really required to be 5-7-5, I might suggest dropping the "late" from the 1st line. Other than that, I do not see any other things I might suggest for improvement. A really fine haiku. Are more in the offing? Regards. wrl

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2004-08-20 21:10:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.40000
Joanne, I like the alliteration in the poem it ties the images together very well. I also like how you always manage to make your poems bigger than they appear at first glance. This poem is not just a sparrow celebrating life but the poet, the sparrow, the earth itself is celebrating. I truly enjoyed this. Sandra

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