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This Poem was Submitted By: Jana Buck Hanks On Date: 2004-08-24 15:13:29 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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INSOMNIA

Hair rose and fell on his forearm as she breathed, underarm smelled of Right Guard and Perry Ellis RED. Smoothing his eyebrow with a gentle fingertip, she searched out the wanton ones that grow like nighttime Kudzu. Zantac zigged and zagged. Tendrils of chest hair tickled her face and she thought about counting his moonlit nose hair. Esophageal enumerations. The stomach Bullfrog sang sleepless lullabies: Ribbettt… Reflux… Ribbbet… Reflux… The throat clock ticked…

This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2004-09-07 12:54:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.92308
Damn, this is great!! I love the partallel of inner frog to acid reflux rumblings. You take an introductory whiff of romance and then shift to underarm smells, nighttime kudzu eyebrow hairs (terrific image!) and then the "tendrils" on his chest - also like vines. Nice connection there. Counting nose hairs: now, THERE'S a truly passionate act! The "ribbettt" with three t's sounds like a protracted snore. The next one is shorter, more of a snort. But the speaker isn't asleep, so this probably reflects both her desired state and the sounds of her partner. As well as the gut noises. The ending is just too funny for words. Having been party to a partner with the illness, and the Zantac, I well know whereof you speak. I can't find anything to nitpick here (or nose-hair-pick, either). Well, OK, maybe the title. Too prosaic for such a gritty-whimsical read. Maybe "Close-Up" (which might also imply toothpaste or blemish cream to go witht he deodorant images)? "Unsleeping Beauty"? "Bottom of the Pond"? I dunno ... you're creative; you can make up something zippy. Enjoyed the poem immensely! It reveals your wicked sense of humor and that's wonderful to behold. Brenda

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-08-26 21:11:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.90000
Jana, now I have read it, and enjoyed it immensely. Thanks for pointing to it for me. It was near the bottom of my list. I love the imagery, the almost comical, yet sensual, imagery. The enjambment worked wonders; the assonance, consonance, and alliteration did as well. That ending line was totaly unexpected. I thought maybe there would be more "hair" involved. (dirty old man) ;>) Loved the "Esophageal enumerations"! Great read. Thanks again. Not much to offer for improvement though. The only thing I might suggest would be to cut one of the caps, the one on bullfrog, but it is not critical. Write on, friend. wrl

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-08-26 14:29:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.86957
Jana–I guess this poem shows that love isn’t always pretty, but can be different and humorous. Apt title for the tone and theme of this piece. In fact I would venture a challenge to fellow poets to find a better time to conduct these kind of shenanigans-smile. Excellent fresh descriptive phrases (smelled of Right Guard and Perry Ellis Red; grow like nighttime Kudzu; Zantac zigged and zagged; Tendrils of chest hair; Esophageal enumerations; the stomach Bullfrog sang sleepless lullabies (my favorite verbiage); throat clock ticked) create vivid imagery of an insomniac observing and enjoying an unusual past time. A series of nice onomatopoeias, “Ribbettt...”; “Reflux...”; “Ribbbet...”; “Reflux...” help “top off” a witty nocturnal post. Thanks for sharing your unique effort with TPLers. TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2004-08-26 13:59:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.38462
Jana, Delightful piece of an endless night. Not a single line that i would criticize as superfluous. Love those "wanton / ones." And the "stomach Bullfrog" with his "sleepless lullabies." A very solid, well-written poem. Another on my list. You got voice. Mark

This Poem was Critiqued By: Lennard J. McIntosh On Date: 2004-08-24 23:13:50
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.42857
Re: "INSOMNIA" Writer: : "underarm smelled of Right Guard and Perry Ellis RED" *** The reader picked up the early clue that here was a good ol" twickle-in- your-eye poem coming up. Writer: "... she thought about counting his moonlit nose hair. Esophageal enumerations." *** Now, how is this reader supposed to not be laughing at this stage? I mean, visualize the image! Writer: "The stomach Bullfrog sang sleepless lullabies:" *** I've heard the unearthly noises coming from men called many things, but "stomache bullfrog?" It's hilarious! This piece gave me a real gaffa, Jana. With all we have to face on the daily news I truly suggest that we could use a lot more of this sort of poetry. Good work, and thank you. Len McIntosh

This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2004-08-24 19:34:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Well now, at least you're normal haha. We all have those wild bouts with insomnia. Maybe you shouldn't have eaten all those spices which caused you to down the Zantac. A humerous approach of which we need more of on this site. My humerous poems don't seem to fare well on this site. Anyway, You caused me to chuckle for which I thank you.

This Poem was Critiqued By: James Edward Schanne On Date: 2004-08-24 16:11:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
oh boy! My wife has acid reflux so I can relate to this poem although hers stomach isn't asload as a bull frog, and hey is this a product placement in a poem, I hope your getting a cut; well just kidding, but I enjoyed the poem, thanks for letting me read it

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-08-24 15:40:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Jana: It's seldom that I laugh in a "guffaw" way while reading here on TPL. But my laugh was so that loud my spouse inquired, "Who are you talking to in there?" I hadda look up "Perry Ellis RED" since I don't drink beer or buy perfume. (I actually thought it was a kind of beer.) ;>) And to think how perfectly wonderfully your husband was smelling, innocently sleeping away, gurgling, naively dreaming whilst his spouse looked up his nose! Oh, the irony of it all! And counting his 'grandpa' eyebrows! This poem is hilariously touching, for all of the intimacy it bespeaks is tender, and a reminder that love doth come in a variety of forms. Even descriptions of night-time gut rumblings! Since he is no doubt sleeping, I will <whisper> my remarks to you. Hair rose and fell on his forearm as she breathed, underarm smelled of Right Guard and Perry Ellis <This is the site of the first giggle.> RED. Smoothing his eyebrow with a gentle fingertip, she searched out the wanton <Grin expands here.> ones that grow like nighttime Kudzu.* Zantac zigged and zagged. *<This is where I lost it!> Tendrils of chest hair tickled her face and she thought about counting his moonlit nose <Hoo Boy! I'm done for now! Gasping for air. . .> hair. Esophageal enumerations. --WONDERFUL! The stomach Bullfrog sang <Wiping tears!> sleepless lullabies: Ribbettt… Reflux… Ribbbet… <The extra t's and b's add even more sparkle to the mix of bubbly sounds!> Reflux… <Now the cats are in here, wondering if I need resuscitation.> The throat clock ticked… Merriment is a wonderful companion on this sleepless night's observation. The final line lets us know that minutes and hours pass verrrry slowly whilst one is awake, wanting to be asleep, listening to the "throat clock." Very witty, tongue-in-cheek, (Wanton eyebrow hairs saluting?)laughable, loveable ditty. Kudos to the one who can write of the aforementioned eyebrow hairs as "Kudzu"! The auditory images in this poem alone deserve special merit, not to mention the odoriferous ones. Applause!! I'm through being quiet about it -- no doubt he has been awakened by your renewed glee. How fun!! Best to you, and --- any more like this? Joanne

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