This Poem was Submitted By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2004-10-19 01:23:00 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Blade In Hand

Blade in hand Posture sleek Anger clouds The concious To insanity. Venting is no cure Death is at the door Moving on towards Backwards to  Falling on the floor. Burning in the bones Pain inside the chest Nasty comments haunt Those who can not rest. Magnet to the lost Not caring is the cost Rip and roar To do no more  for those who tell  such lies. Blade in hand, Death can wait Freedom  beckons to your cries.

Copyright © October 2004 DeniMari Z.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-11-05 12:26:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88000
DeniMari: Quite interesting poem, in structure, words chosen, and theme. You write very well as I'm certain you know but I am interested in why poets do unusual things. For example, your lines vary from hexameter to dimeter, your stanzas from five, five, four, six, and four. Of course anything "goes" in postmodern poetry but when ports write with determination in a particular manner, I usually wonder why. There is a great lot of overt rage and a surprise twist at the end. Your rhymes are enchanting but again, I see no pettern to where they occur. True true verse. Your title is a hook for the reader and the entirety of the piece looks orderly on the page. (Don't ask why these things matter to me; some poets live for allits). Stanza 1 tells us that anger has made consciousness insane and stanza 2 says no airing of the problem(s) ameliorates because death awaits, moving in then backwards to the floor. Nice rhymes and allits herein. Stanza 3 begins with allits of burning/bones and gives the rhymes of chest/rest. I really relate to "Nasty comments haunt Those who can not rest." The fourth stanza is what I would term perfection. You make your point but in a consequential manner. Allits, rhymes, and assonance in every line. The epiphany, which herein is that of O. Henry, is satisfying for your readers as well as surprising. Blade in hand, death can wait but not from anything he has achieved but because it's much more difficult to be alive and free where there are many people to whom we are indebted, we cannot merely rely on the good will of others but do the deed ourselves. In his stance, irresponsible is his middle name. I hope I interpreted your poem not far afield from your intentions. But you know what they say: Once the poem is published, it belongs to the readers. (Not literally but figuritively). I feel i have not helped you at all, Deni, just rendered an exegesis but I find no roiling mistakes, nothing to add nor delete, IMO. I greatly enjoyed this poem and wish you the best. Mell Morris

This Poem was Critiqued By: Andrea M. Taylor On Date: 2004-10-27 10:35:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Blade In Hand - Grabs your attention Blade in hand… concious (sp?) to insanity - good set up line to want to keep reading. Venting … floor. - tongue twister, not sure where it is going Burning … rest. - truthful image but who’s the haunted? Magnet …lies. - I love this line. Magnet and cost…very nice. Rip and roar…rip of the knife or the tongue? Hmmmm!!! Blade …cries. - Death can wait…freedom is calling to your cries…how interesting, but what does it all mean? You got me. This is a what I call a cotton candy poem…There is color and appeal, but when you bite into, it quickly melts and your not sure of the flavor…this is not a bad thing, what I mean is you want more, it like an English movie…you know, the end always makes you ask, “Is that the end?” A couple of questions, why the caps on some of the beginnings and not all? Why the caps and punctuation in general? The thoughts expressed seem more free than you allow them to be with this structure. Is there a purpose? Any way, this poem has the appeal of the Diary of the Mad Housewife or a Alfred Hitchcock movie…I am in the Rear Window…but what am I seeing? Thanks for the read. Andrea
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-10-21 15:48:20
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.52174
Hi DeniMari, This is a very powerful poem with all the elements of someone who is about to end their life...or at the very least is considering to do so. You have choosen a perfect form for this can be read quickly as if that is the intent of the poet because there is not very much time left. I found myself reading this very fast the first time, looking for some positive sign, and it wasn't until I got to the last lines that I found the relief I was searching for....'blade in hand..anger clouds, insanity, death is at the door, burning in the bones, pain inside the chest, nasty comments, those who tell such lies,..all of these words and phrases are both gut wrenching and quite scarey to this reader. But thankfully in the last stanza I began to feel a sense that the poet was looking ahead, not back, and realizes that death will not cure what is wrong in her life...and in fact freedom is crying out to her to be embraced and to bury the hurtful lies some people tell. This is an important piece and one I hope will help anyone who is so depressed that they can't look beyond their pain. Depression is a killer just like any physical disease and can be just as fatal. To overcome it takes a huge effort but in the schemes of all things it is worth it. I wish you the very best. Blessings...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Karen Ann Jacobs On Date: 2004-10-20 14:32:18
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
I enjoyed reading this poem. My favorite image was, “Magnet to the lost Not caring is the cost”. I also liked the way that the first lines of the first stanza and the last match. They gave the poem a nice sense of conclusion. I think the only suggestion I’d make is that adding another line or two to the last stanza would give an even more balanced affect. It’s just an idea to toy with if you want. Thank you for sharing this poem. Kay
This Poem was Critiqued By: Latorial D. Faison On Date: 2004-10-19 07:39:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.58696
DeniMari, this is heart piercing poem that I think is absolutely phenonmenal for the passion that it houses in every line. I don't think that "Blade in Hand" does your thoughts a real justice. I think that "Blade in Hand, Death Can Wait" would really bring out the fervor of this piece (and this is only a suggestion in the event that you decided to revisit or revise this poem). I can see how and why you chose "Blade in Hand" for the title, the words in the poem are so vivid and piercing each time I read them. What I thought as I read these lines was that here is someone who has been stepped on or hurt once too many times, and the poem illustrates such a pivotal moment, not only in this person's life, but also the lives of millions of people who have stood in these shoes. What I find so amazing about this poem is that what transpires in the lines that you write can happen or has happened as suddenly as it occurs in this poem. A blade in hand can take a person from one extreme to the next, from death to new life. Boy was I glad to read the last stanza: "death can wait Freedome becksons . . . " And this is this real reason why this poem is necessary and important and gives meaning to life. You have shown someone the way. You have empathized and sympathized with those who struggle with the idea of inflicting violence on themselves or someone else. You have helped a suicidal person rethink what it is that he/she really has to live for. You have given someone in trouble hope with this poem. Anytime this happens in poetry, it's a success, and I thank you for writing and sharing this poem with us at TPL. It's a serious write, with literaray depth and so much meaning that relates to life. Excellent poem. Latorial
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