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This Poem was Submitted By: James Edward Schanne On Date: 2004-12-01 08:48:20 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Stripping Fall

Voyeuristic gaze falls out the window hitting leaves disembarking naked trees vision climbs the limbs of descent which sow shivers of branching research in the breeze mine the veins discolored beneath cold blows on grounds of devious chills' copper rain precipitation uproots as it slows accumulated changes spinning drain a warmth seeping layer to layer out once skin familiar radiating through memories questions childishly shout in the weathered seasons unresolved view a destination is not just a place but a state of being we come to face

This Poem was Critiqued By: Latorial D. Faison On Date: 2005-01-04 04:38:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
James, This is brilliant. I forgot how well you write in this form. There is absolutely nothing elementary about your style, and I mean it when I say that. I wish I could write like this (smile). This poem begans with the trappings of nature and the description takes you places, but underneath I am able to see a darkness, a truth that hides behind all of the words. I think you play with these words and bring out just enough to symbolize the abuse in this poem. And do tell me that there's some alluding to some form of abuse here. Poetry brings out so much in us and so many different interpretations. I love to read and be read. I love to see poems for what I see in them, but also for what authors intend. Congratulations on a super poetic rendition. I can't wait to read the others. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com

This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2004-12-31 14:16:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi James, This starts with the surprising imagery of the voyeur, studying the trees' nakedness. "Branching research" implies that this observer is being more clinical than prurient, however. It makes for an arresting metaphor. The title relates directly to this process of close examination. In the second quatrain, there's a shift to the earth with its minerals by which - although not specifically stated - humans, trees and all other living things are enabled to survive. "Copper rain" conveys both a color and a metallic taste; the mined veins imply hidden gifts which the cold may temporarily conceal. In "accumulated changes spinning drain", I'm not sure of the syntax. I think it might call for an apostrophe [changes' spinning drain]? The idea of washing away the seasonal upheavals prepares us for rejuvenation to come. Then comes the hoped-for warmth, an animating of the sullen flesh, impelled by the past with its experiences and growth. We cannot resolve our own present if we fail to understand where we've already been. (Is it memories [and] questions; or memory's questions)? I believe you need another apostrophe with season[']s, possessive, since the view of the autumn has not quite given way to full winter, or - further along - the hint of spring. a destination is not just a place but a state of being we come to face I love this couplet. Each of us, it seems to be saying, has his or her own reality. We interpret where we are on the outside but what we believe on the inside, and our perspectives differ. That "state of being" varies according to the individual, but we do recognize when we've arrived there. I know that there are some philosophies that do not accept a universal reality, preferring instead to make it contingent on personal perception. So we, ourselves, create both the journey and its conclusion. I admire you for writing sonnets in which difficult issues are tackled and explored. This one is no exception. Although I read far more than I critique, I like to choose those that have particular appeal to my own situation. The turning of the year is fraught with challenges for me at the moment, and fall has brought major changes that will affect my life from now on. I need to view it somewhat dispassionately and try to manage the emotional dimension before I can move away from the events themselves. Losing family members to death is a clarion call for re-examination of one's own place in the universe. Thanks for submitting a poem that compels the reader to reflect on his or her personal circumstances in order to determine an appropriate "destination" within. I've enjoyed doing so. Happy 2005!!! Brenda

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-12-15 18:16:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
James: We usually get a lot of autumn poems but this year was a dearth. Of course, we are at an all time low on poems and I have to pay people to read mine. I am becoming accustomed to your sonnet form and remain stunned at the ease with which it flows from your pen. Your poetry has made me curious about you. Stanza 1 sounds like a strip mall with peeping toms, naked beings,...the unclothed being hit by the leer from the peeper at his window. Vision climbs limbs which sow shivers in the breeze. Your end rhymes are perfect and your metaphorical choices seem apt. The veins of the mine are discolored and I think of copper's turning green. Precipitation uproots as it slows changes spinning drain. This stanza (2) is deceptively simple until I try to put words on the paper. All of your pieces have tiers of treasure which must be mined metaphorically and many of your images are a reach for me. Poets have told me I read too literally and I work on that aspect of reading and reviewing assiduously. Your poetry does not fare well with a literal poet. I am always recalling Marianne Moore's comments that a poem may be beautiful but if not understood by its readers, it is nothing. While I relate to the form/beauty of free verse, I am still awed by a sonneteer and you never miss a rhyme or beat. My especially-appreciated part of your poem is the end couplet. "A destination in not just a place but a state of being we come to face." Your destination of stripping fall of any last bounty is more than that; it is a state of being we come to face. Up close and personal. Charming and graceful as always, a little off-center IMO which makes it more interesting. I would score this one with points but of course right now, I'm getting the scores of voting poets. You send yours to Uppendahl. Keep the poem hopping, skipping, gliding. Best wishes, Mell

This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2004-12-05 21:09:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
Dear James, This is another good poem, with very "new" descriptives that have captured my imagination. Voyeuristic gaze falls out the window hitting leaves disembarking naked trees vision climbs the limbs of descent which sow shivers of branching research in the breeze - I can picture someone staring out at this scene, absorbing the moment in time as if never done before. Copper rain is definitely a new idea. One thing about your writing that still amazes me every time I read one is the way you sum them up with the last two lines. There is always a message and that's where you let us know - very original idea. I really enjoy your work - and I hope to keep reading more of your poems here. Sincerely, DeniMari

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