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Sir Real I mime thinking outside the box unseen slinging Schroedinger's cat through the static lift the lid of uncertainty to glean the charging claws that have grown erratic crop the crops to infer from infinity so small a matter dancing on maybes breathe of undimensional trinity read as dice playing upon a stray breeze windmills churn the waves where existence rides on the strings pulled by dragons wagging tales slapping at the lances that seek the hides to pierce the flames that swallow the details looking ever inward we build larger speeding faster oblivions charger |
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandee L McMullan On Date: 2005-02-18 11:44:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.94737
Title: Sir Real
The title did not draw me into read this poem; I have come back to this a number of times in an effort to critique. I was not compelled, not sure why either.
Perhaps the first line held me at bay. And so important is the beginning to interest the reader, one chance to hook and invite.
The ending on this first line seems forced inversion or "box unseen" = unseen box
Perhaps I need the image. Ponders if a re-arranging of the second with the first would help invite. I know it would mess with the other 2 lines also, but easy fixed in order. (a suggestion, you may have other ideas to help this)
End stops give natural period pause or comma pauses, other types of punctuation could add some other drama; however, it is a choice to punctuatate or not. A method that works here in this modern sonnet form.
"breathe" = breath
Perhaps "the" is not needed:
"to pierce the flames that swallow [the]details"
Last line:
"speeding faster (in) oblivions charger
Some suggestions, I enjoyed the meter and content of this, it brings the science and nature of the ethereal in for the reader to ponder in the vastness of wonder that is being portrayed here. "static, infinity, trinity, breeze, existence rides (good one), oblivions charger"
. . . .
regards