This Poem was Submitted By: Lennard J. McIntosh On Date: 2005-03-09 07:18:34 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Your Pain In My Heart It is from birth that pain is born
as if foreboding life;
to draw each new-born headlong
as murky flashes dash by time.
While in these days that have grown
superabundantly
too busy to quell enmity,
too frail to grasp serene,
please grant me your pain.
Though I well know
it’s only dreams,
and those that I can’t own.
Still, deep inside the marrow
buried in my bones,
I achieved your pain
as giving birth
in total immersion in me.
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Copyright © March 2005 Lennard J. McIntosh
Additional Notes:
It’s been almost 50 years since I stood
beside my wife, wanting to help yet
feeling so helpless.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Paul R Lindenmeyer On Date: 2005-04-04 11:07:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.63636
Leonard,
I read this piece when you first posted it, chewed on it again a week later, came back to it last week and now have still not come to a solidified conclusion on the subject matter, or intent. That is, I read it on multiple levels, with more meanings than you might have intended. I have often times written heartfelt verse with a percieved at the time message, only to read it afterwards and find that it's message might be deeper than "I" intended or even envisioned. This piece has the apparent wish to share pain in it's apparent message. I was present at the birth of both of my daughters, and the suffering and pain were, I believe, over shadowed by the joy at their births , but the suffering was only a commiserated sharing, not a personally endured one. That is the first level I perceive when I read this post. I may be presumptious, or perhaps too attuned to other subtilties always present, but the simile to Christ's suffering and your usage of "pain",
"quell enmity", "buried in my bones" "grant me your pain" and conclusion "total immersion in me." ring of both heartfelt wish and humble supplication, in essence, gifts of grace unmerited but received with humility and understood thankfulness along with a wish to relieve the suffering by sharing in it. Your verse is always multi-layered, floral and well thought out. Perhaps you might clarify in response, but my perception of this piece, while clouded, is an accurate assesment of it's content as I see it. Thanks for the post, always a pleasure to comment on your work. Peace, Paul
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2005-03-26 12:48:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.68750
Lennard, I could feel, in your words, the love and empathy of the moment. Your loss became ours, and there is nothing more precious than that.
Your Pain In My Heart – Lennard, you could have stopped after the title, and all your words would have flowed into us. A perfect title for a touching verse.
It is from birth that pain is born
as if foreboding life; - it has been said that the squeeze of entering this world, mimics the difficulty leaving, that only if life pushes can death carry us on. Excellent line.
to draw each new-born headlong
as murky flashes dash by time. – I have never read the descritpion of time as “mucky” before, but in spending time on the analogy, it is a perfect descritpive. It is usually when one can see the flowing of life in time, that time will alter the flow. In quantum theory, as a matter of image, time can be relative, and “murky” for one, is actually “flashes dashing” by another viewer.
While in these days that have grown
superabundantly
too busy to quell enmity, - and the passing does have its own attractions, but the smells and sounds of intimacy are not so easily quelled.
too frail to grasp serene, - it reminds me of the deserts mirage, an oasis just a moment beyond the grasp, but a venture that must be attempted.
please grant me your pain. – Lennard, there are regards which the concerned souls must respect, for that respect is transformed into a modicum of honor and veneration. It almost seems, supercilious to recall only the intimacy, when the intimacy is quite entwined with the pain associated with living and death.
Though I well know
it’s only dreams,
and those that I can’t own.
Still, deep inside the marrow
buried in my bones,
I achieved your pain
as giving birth
in total immersion in me. – Lennard, I read, reread, and the potency of this last stanza never failed to overwhelm me. “Inside the Marrow”, there is the title for another tribute. The dreams unattainable, but the dreams that have seeded the fertile soil, they are the most powerful of all. To be “immersed”, I wonder, is it a tribute, consummation, or amalgamation of the spirit? Maybe it is all, in a maelstrom of life and death.
Lennard, thank you greatly for sharing this with me. I am not you, but I know how to take it, and make it mine. Thank you again.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-03-14 09:10:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.92857
Nicely structured and great word flow which has created the images you present from the flare of your pen poet.........a powerful opening....."It is from birth that pain is born as if foreboding life; to draw each new-born headlong as murky flashes dash by time." You made it so that one could actually not only see the image but feel the pain as well, great job. "from birth that pain in born" excellent phrase, awakening to the senses.....
It is nice that you want to take on the pain, ease what you see before you but you know this is not possible.....life is a journey travelled on many roads my friend, you have created fifty years worth with this one....you feel so connected to the other person poet it is hard not to feel the pain as it comes forth especially during this birthing process........and though it is not a personal thing it is...
Love the ending and your emotions that come even today.......thank you for posting and sharing this with us poet, I am certain your wife appreciates it as well and fifty years later, congratulations on that accomplishment alone......God continues to bless you both, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Ann Hemsworth On Date: 2005-03-14 06:42:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.41176
This is such a powerful image you have written in your first stanza "It is from birth that pain is born
as if foreboding life;
to draw each new-born headlong
as murky flashes dash by time." I could actually picture the sceen and get a feeling of the pain, I think it is the word "foreboding" that struck me so. I found the idea of "from birth that pain in born" instead of from pain is birth. excellent phrase, very striking. Your second stanza dealing with the thought that you just want to take on the pain because it is all consuming..that is how I took this in meaning.??
and then the last and closing stanza, where you state that you realize that you can only empathize in reality but still you feel " Still, deep inside the marrow
buried in my bones,
I achieved your pain
as giving birth
in total immersion in me." in your soul you do feel the pain and connection deep within your bones. I enjoyed the contense of your poem and your ideas but have a suggestion. I feel that perhaps if it was written in more of a constant meter beat it perhaps would flow more smoothly. Perhaps it is just a personal preference of mine, but thought I would mention it to you. Thanks again for sharing, I felt as if I have experienced a little bit of a very important part of your life experience.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2005-03-13 08:19:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Lennard,
This was a deeply evocative and emotionally driven piece that addresses a very important moment in a couple's life - one that remains etched on the branches of a family tree forever. And while women hang on to the pains of childbirth as a moment they will cherish forever, I envision you feeling a deep longing to share this excruciating pain with her and relieve her of the torment.
Divided into three verses that flowed smoothly, one gets a sense of writhing and helplessness that eventually leads you into a world where in a dream, you somehow manage to share the birth pangs. This would have to be one of the more emotional and private postings this month and you've done a very fine job at bringing out the sentiment.
Aptly, titled 'Your Pain In My Heart', this poem will go along way at stirring both male and female readers. Deeply touching Lennard.
As a minor suggestion, the flow might be further enhanced by replacing 'serene' with 'serenity'. It would rhyme better with 'enmity'.
Take care,
Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-03-10 13:39:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.16667
I'm not quite sure of your use of the word "enmity". Doesn't that mean hatred for your enemy?
Why would you hate your wife yet feel her pain? Just thinking out loud here. Probably way off
base. As a Nurse who has stood in the birthing room watching this process many times, I can well
understand where your feelings lie, and yet 50 years later you still carry her pain. But wasn't
the joy later on looking at your children well worth it? Or have I missed something here?
Thanks for sharing this moment of your life.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-03-09 18:14:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Len:
Your poem reminds me that men are missing something that I thought they'd (you'd)
be glad to have missed. But then, reading this, you caused me to think about the
exclusion men may feel from the process of giving birth. It shows great compassion
or, more accurately, I think, empathy, to want to embrace the pain of a loved one,
or any one. But I hadn't thought of childbirth. I reflected on this for a while
and decided that it is something I'd wanted to hang on to as a memento of my life's
greatest achievement, one that 'only I' have earned by dint of the profoundest
physical pain I've ever felt. False! You helped me to look at my spouse differently,
thinking of his emotions while I was busy giving birth. In those days, men were not
allowed in the labor room.
It is from birth that pain is born
as if foreboding life;
to draw each new-born headlong
as murky flashes dash by time.
Somehow, poet, you've connected the birth of the infant, the mother's labor
pains and the father's connection with the mother and child all into a few
lines. The first stanza gives me the impression birth from the child's POV.
While in these days that have grown
superabundantly
too busy to quell enmity,
too frail to grasp serene,
please grant me your pain.
These lines, as if spoken to the mother giving birth are deeply evocative.
Reaching back through the years, the poet addresses his wife, asking that
(I think) retroactively, she "grant" him her pain. I interpret this as:
Let me feel what you felt, partake of the anguish but also of the act of
giving birth.
Though I well know
it’s only dreams,
and those that I can’t own.
Still, deep inside the marrow
buried in my bones,
I achieved your pain
as giving birth
in total immersion in me.
This is the part that stunned me most: The husband/poet speaks of having
achieved his wife's pain, "as giving birth" from "deep inside the marrow."
I am astonished at this 'new thought' because I've never reflected upon
the heartfelt things you write of here. This is stunning, Len, and deeply
personal. And I've learned to think differently about the situation, and
about my spouse's inability to fully participate in the birth of his child(ren)
and his wife's pain. I need to spend much more time with this poem for it
to truly sink in. This is really remarkable. If I've misunderstood, I've
still taken something from the reading that I didn't have before. How I
admire your humble, compassionate words. All wives should be so fortunate.
Bravo!
My best to you and her,
Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2005-03-09 11:10:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Lennard--These are the pieces that tear me apart: realism in its rawness. For pro-
tagonist, this is an on-going open wound which tears at the inner most feelings,
which he has vividly related to reader;
"...to draw each new-born headlong
as murky flashes dash by time."
Such a mixed emotions event that is heartfelt with a genuine appeal;
".....too busy to quell enmity,
too frail to grasp serene,
please grant me your pain."
The three assorted stanzas/lengths of this free verse aptly depict its sequential dis-
traughtness. However, the appearance/inference of redeemption and catharsis serves to
enhance this dark read;
"Though I well know
it's only dreams,
and those that I can't own.
Still, deep inside the marrow
buried in my bones,
I achieved your pain
as giving birth
in total immersion in me."
Sorry if I went in the wrong direction with your poignant and sober post. I applaud your
valiant effort in addressing this painful subject. TLW
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