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Close Separation She asked him what was going on In his head Do you mean generally or specifically He said Why do you always have to subdivide She sighed Maybe it's my scientific education He replied Well why don't we start with the general She barked After which you may not want to go on to the specific He remarked Are you going to spill a can of beans She interrogated More like a can of worms He prevaricated. I've been thinking of living my life backwards The idea's quite hard to explain There's a feeling inside like part of me died Can't face going through this again. The people I love will come with me There are some I must leave behind The things that I've learned, the pages I've turned Will redefine time out of mind. I'll take one year at a time The decades will pass by real slow I'll experience my life free of trouble and strife Free of things that I don't need to know. If I make it from here to my thirties There'll be no cause to complain Maybe stop at that place, find a new breathing space Start living life over again. My hair will be long, dark and flowing My eyes will be bright and sincere My stomach so flat like an agile wildcat My mind will be wondrously clear. There'll be none of the lies and the bullshit None of the heartache and pain I'll have made a new choice with a confidant voice I'll be living life over again. If that was the general, what are the specifics She snorted You haven't been listening have you He retorted I've heard all I need to hear She whined And I guess that is your final word He opined She screamed, he dreamed She railed, he'd failed She hypothesised, he analysed She wept, he slept She fought, he thought She cried, he lied He left Bereft. |
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-03-26 13:14:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
John:
You do an excellent job in this lively poem of capturing the utter misery of a ‘close’
relationship rending itself into separate entities. There’s humor, which keeps this
poem from being overwhelmingly sad. The familiarity of the linear/global arguments
in the dialogue between these two makes the work universal, yet its specific
details make it very personal to the writer. I particularly enjoyed S2’s idea of
“living my life backwards.” At such moments of endings, how often I’ve thought
if only one could ‘rewind’ the tape, or jump back to a favorite track on the CD
of life, and replay.
The witty rhymes and especially the escalating verbs are extremely engaging. From the straight
forward “she asked/he said” to “she sighed/she replied” to the humorous “she barked/he remarked”
we can feel the intensifying emotions and observe the differences in style of verbal thrust. The
male speaker indeed sounds like a man with scientific bent.
Since “She barked” and he refers to “a can of worms” it occurs to this reader that his work
may have something to do with animals. As an aside, the first line recalls to this reader similar conversations and questions with my own mate. She continues to question, and he continues to evade.
How difficult it is to communicate with someone who is angry! Perhaps his ‘prevarication’ is an
attempt to avoid the coming rift. In any case, we are witnesses to this couple’s disengagement
and the inevitable “heartache and pain.”
A catchy cadences enlivens the next stanza, which otherwise could become maudlin; this it does not
do. And yet, the mournful quality of the wishes expressed leave no doubt that the speaker is grieving,
for example in L3 and L6, respectively:
”There's a feeling inside like part of me died”
”There are some I must leave behind”
The ideal life described in the lines below sounds appealing, if impossible. Yet how often we do
think of what ‘might have been’ had we but made other choices:
I'll experience my life free of trouble and strife
Free of things that I don't need to know.
If I make it from here to my thirties
There'll be no cause to complain
Maybe stop at that place, find a new breathing space
Start living life over again.
The droll, ironic humor of the following lines bring a smile, along with recognition
of the implausibility of this fantasy:
My hair will be long, dark and flowing
My eyes will be bright and sincere
My stomach so flat like an agile wildcat
My mind will be wondrously clear.
There'll be none of the lies and the bullshit
None of the heartache and pain
I'll have made a new choice with a confidant voice
I'll be living life over again.
These lines evoke yearning for the freshness of youth, the newness of a life unstained
by compromise and/or deception. I smiled at “stomach so flat like an agile wildcat”
and “mind will be wondrously clear.” Readers will revisit their own youth, or if
youthful, will perhaps consider carefully the seemingly unlimited choices ahead.
In the final lines, continuing dialogue falls off into hopelessness and defeat. Shorter
verbs before and after “hypothesized/analysed” aptly telegraph spiraling disconnection:
She whined
And I guess that is your final word
He opined
She screamed, he dreamed
She railed, he'd failed
She hypothesised, he analysed
She wept, he slept
She fought, he thought
She cried, he lied
He left
Bereft.
The last word hits hardest. The middle stanza’s re-vision of a life lived backwards is not to be.
I can’t help but wonder how the feminine counterpart in this dramatic poem might have written it.
“I’ve heard all I need to hear” seems the final summation of her POV. He “dreamed/slept/thought”
and finally “lied” and then “left.” Perhaps the lie was “It didn’t mean anything.” We really don’t
need to know. What we do know is that he was “bereft” which says it all, very succinctly. On a
personal note, I hope that the writer found a measure of peace in the writing of this poem.
It’s engaging, powerful, sardonic and memorable.
Bravo!
Best wishes,
Joanne