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This Poem was Submitted By: Audrey R Donegan On Date: 2005-04-01 07:14:39 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Daddy

How crushing the plunge, your weight collapsing my kindergarten bones. Your number one girl six at best learned love comes with a price attached to a cock. Invading me wholly again and again branding me with the dis-ease of obligation. What is love if not the lust in your eyes? Did I plea and beg and scratch and gnaw for you to stop? Was my obedience dependable? Was it good for you? Now at twenty-three with eyes the age of time herself I am beginning to remember: you are double fudge chocolate cake and I am diabetic.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2005-05-07 11:38:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
What a compelling-horrifying read! This is a significant poem for many reasons, not least because it's unflinching in the way the speaker addresses her absent, abusive father and shares her monologue with the reader. We recoil (as she must, also) from such horrors. "Kindergarten bones" is poignant, indeed; this is a mere tot, frail and vulnerable, with no knowledge of carnal matters. She would not even have access to the rumored information passed among older children. How terrifying for her to endure this! Yet she cannot question its rightness because of her own ignorance. "Love comes with a price/ attached to a cock". What a dreadful "lesson"! It will color her entire life and shape her adult sexuality in ways not yet clear, but undoubtedly ruinous. The woman who springs from this child can never trust, can never accept that there is such a thing as unqualified love which wishes only to give and not to take, The pain screams from these lines, and so does the bitterness. Invading me wholly again and again branding me with the dis-ease of obligation. What is love if not the lust in your eyes? The repetition of "again" speaks to the frequency of these assaults. "Dis-ease", hyphenated like this, conveys a sense of imbalance, the world gone wrong. The child's burden is an "obligation" one should never owe to any adult. Once more, we read her misinterpretation of love's meaning. The father -- because he is so central to her young life -- will determine her understanding of this concept. He will warp the term until it is meaningless. Writing in present tense slams us into the immediacy of the situation, as it is relived. Did I plea [plead, perhaps] and beg and scratch and gnaw for you to stop? These are the images of an animal caught in a trap and willing to tear off its own limb to escape. But this little girl cannot do such a thing. She is too young to comprehend wrongness. She is brainwashed into believing in "obedience". Yhere is no other option, in her mind, but this. Was my obedience dependable? Was it good for you? "Good for you" seems spoken from a more adult persepctive. The cynicism is obvious: from the child's trauma has arisen a woman who views the past through eyes filled with hatred and revulsion. She sees her father for what he has been. Yet she probably cannot undo anything; I get the feeling this crime has gone unpunished, perhaps even been kept hidden. If this is a personal story, as the power of your writing would imply, then it is miraculous that you can share it here and, possibly, find some measure of healing in that exposure. But I do hope the offender has been dealt justice, to the fullest power of the law. Now at twenty-three with eyes the age of time herself I am beginning to remember: you are double fudge chocolate cake and I am diabetic. It is interesting that you feminize "time"; perhaps the only safe connotations are those of the female gender. The "double fudge chocolate cake" is an unexpected metaphor; it sounds SO delectable, SO appealing. There is probably still a desire -- obviously impossible to fulfil -- to "honor they father" in terms of his paternal position, rather than his actual character. Almost everyone wants to have a worthy parent-figure in his or her life, someone strong and good and memorable. But not this twisted kind of parent!! He's poisonous. Like the diabetic exposed to that sugar-laden cake, the adult woman has been made permanently ill from her experiences with her own Dad. At the time, she probably worshipped the ground he walked on because she knew no better. Now, her idol has proven so warped and corrupt that she will spend eternity renouncing him (and even, perhaps, herself ... the victim can be made to feel such misplaced guilt). What a poem! It's extremely unsettling to read, and lingers in the reader's psyche. It's taken me three tries to write a response to it. Words seem so inadequate. Brenda

This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-05-04 19:45:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.81818
Didn't you write this before? Seems I remember the last two lines from somewhere... Anyway, as a Psychiatric Nurse I can tell you I"ve come across many women who are so messed up by such an event, but I can tell you with love and good therapy women such as yourself can be healed.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rick Barnes On Date: 2005-04-24 18:01:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
Audrey, ... Rick

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-04-24 12:22:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.76667
Audrey: I cannot pass by without comment on this poem. With my background of years as a therapist for abused children and adults, I recognize the anguish and anger in every syllable. I am also an advocate for poetry-as-therapy and former Crime Victim's Advocate). As someone who reads poetry for several hours every day, I have to say that this pome is probably the most powerful one I have ever read by a survivor. It is shocking, and IMO the words you use are the 'right' words, because they are your words, and they are accurate. There comes a time for speaking out, for the truth of one's experience, and even for setting aside some of the traditions of writing. One memoir I read by a writer, advising readers who aspire to becoming writers included the advice summed as 'don't ever leave reader's with a dead dog in the road' or similar words. This is poem as shocking as that, but the dog isn't dead, and in fact is standing up, with a shining coat and sound heart, though with deep sadness around the eyes for what has been. I am also reminded of Ophelia's soliloquy in "Hamlet" -- "O, woe is me /T' have seen what I have seen, see what I see!" What has been lived has been lived, and in a sense lives on. And the speaker comes to grip with it by not keeping the secret imposed upon her by "Daddy" of the title. I think your formatting serves the purpose of allowing the reader to feel the impact of your words, as those at the ends S1's lines contain almost nuclear power, imploding into the reader's consciousness" -- Especially How "crushing" the "plunge", your weight "collapsing" my "kindergarten bones." -- fragile, heart-breaking image Your number one girl six at best learned love comes with a price attached to a "cock." Invading me wholly again and again branding me with the dis-ease of obligation. What is love if not the lust in your eyes? You have summed years of experience into a few lines (and for this reader, years of notes, of dialogue in therapy, of attempting to undo the programming). The repetition of "again" and the splitting of "dis-ease" and the confusion of love with lust --- excellently done and truth spoken with unmistakable veracity. Did I plea and beg and scratch and gnaw for you to stop? These lines bring me to tears, for your experience (if the poem is your own experience) and for all of the hundreds of children I know of personally who struggled or acquiesced, with the lifetime's load of guilt and self-recrimination, and adults with a pattern of seeking relationships that 'made sense' in terms of what had been taught by the perpetrator. Lust=love. Or, at times, "pain"=love. Was my obedience dependable? Was it good for you? The irony of the line above makes this likely the most evocative line in the poem. Taking one's life back, one's body, one's ability to be open to the possibility of sincere, non exploitative relationships is the task you allow reader's to consider. What was done for the sake of survival, and to keep the 'love' of the adult perpetrator was endured as a mechanism to keep sanity, as well. Looking back, the rage can overwhelm all other feelings for a time. But it needs its day, its expression, so that all of life is not subsumed under its rulership. Now at twenty-three with eyes the age of time herself --brilliant, remarkable imagery I am beginning to remember: you are double fudge chocolate cake and I am diabetic. In summary, Audrey, you write of the double-edged sword of "beginning to remember"-- full awareness of what has happened, what the cost has been and continues to be means experiencing all of the attendant emotions. A high-cost endeavor, and yet, the surest road to reclaiming the self and healing. As a poem it is arresting, shocking and --- necessary! --- for many among your readers will have experienced something similar. Perhaps not the identical circumstances, but similar feelings of being overwhelmed by sexual abuse and its long-term effects. You offer the poem for our consideration, and my response is: Brava, brava, brava! Standing ovation! May the writing of it and our responses bring you closer to healing and peace. My best always, Joanne

This Poem was Critiqued By: Helen C DOWNEY On Date: 2005-04-17 09:47:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.45455
Audrey, After even reading the first stanza I cried! The words, so strong and straight forward stung as I visualized this invasion of an adult upon a young person. What torment the young girl had to go through as wellas becoming throughly confused about love as you sated in two places : 'learned love comes with a price...attached to a cock.' Then :What is love if not the lust in your eyes?' You have written a chronological painful story of sexual abuse and manipulation of a father. It was done quite well. I do not recognize the structure, but it fits this poem well. I espesially liked the last stanza in which you remember ...and through time you have realized that you can break away from him. Whether a true stroy or not, it has a lot of power to it. Thanks for sharing it. Helen

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-04-14 10:01:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.57143
Hi Audrey, When I saw the title of this piece I was immediately drawn to it because I thought it would be about a loving and wonderful father like mine. But when I began to read the words my heart sank and started beating wildly inside my chest. I know sexual abuse goes on everyday and may even be happening to someone I know but it sickens me....'your weight crushing my kindergarten bones.' what could be more graphic than this statement..you have already made your point with your beginning words.....'learned love comes with a price attached to a cock'..even tho this line is gut wrenching I am not sure I would use the word 'cock'...that is just my personal choice for you to use or lose..however, it does have a huge impact!...'invading me wholly again and again'...this line also has a powerful impact and I am now so saddened for this child and enraged that such a thing could happen....'branding me with a dis-ease (wonderful) of obligation'...I suppose a parent could make a child of six feel obligated to grant pleasure and probably thinking that is the way to be loved...how could anyone expect a little innocent girl to understand what this act is doing to her psyche?...'was my obedience dependable...was it good for you?' This is a thought this child probably had when she was older and knew more about the sexual experience. ...'with eyes the age of time herself' good line...so very wise and yes this person at 23 is wise beyond her years. I like the analogy of diabetes to double fudge cake...I was not expecting that and it did make me pause for a minute...but what could inflict more harm to a diabetics body? This piece is written in the first person but I hope that is done for the sake of the poem and not because you experienced this outrage. If it is about yourself my heart hurts for you and I do so hope you have overcome the trauma. Very well done...bravo! Blessings...Marilyn

This Poem was Critiqued By: charles r pitts On Date: 2005-04-11 00:06:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
by the time ie end of the first st got to "kindergarten bones" i felt i knew where it was going. but my mouth fell open by the end of the first stanza. how incredibly vivid the emotion you have penned here. i feel the bitterness and resentment (though those words are wholly inadequate to describe what you must have felt living it, remembering it, and writing about it). "Your number one girl" this line makes me think of adark bedroom, the only light spilling in dimly through an open door. quiet footsteps, sleepy eyes, and whispered words that arouse a queasiness of something wrong, something not understood, but something impossible to compromise or negotiate. betrayal, in the worst way, and predatory promises with the worst intent. the 2nd stanza reveals a piece of difficulty in later years of loving and being loved by another, of forming relationships, and of knowing the difference between physical and emotional love due to the repeated abuse of trust, of affection, and of interaction, and all in a few words. the 3rd stanza merely scratches the surface of the myriad of questions you must have for him, but your choices for inclusion show an attitude of contempt, and have the tone of disgust, anger, and acceptance; an odd combination for such an experience, but totally admirable and applaudable. "with eyes the age of time herself" my absolute favorite line, so expressive, so descriptive, so perfectly apt that i wish i had penned them myself. and finally, the end. your comparison reveals that, to you, he is that which kills you. he is that thing that is eating you up from the inside out. like a parasitic disease, his presence, his influence is death. death to love, and death to life. bravo for your courage to share this. others dealing with this same affliction will read of your pain and gain some leverage, some sense of comeraderie where once there was none. you spit this inhumanity, this atrocity, back in the faces of all those responsible. my deepest, heartfelt sympathies to you for the horrible ordeal you were forced to endure. but i feel that sympathy is not what you seek or need. u seem very strong, and i admire the mind you posess, it will carry you far. never forget that these things that have happened are not who you are, just things you went through. you can still be the person you want to be. very best of luck to you audrey, hope you stick around here awhile.... charlie

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-04-09 06:04:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
Daddy.......an appealing word which brings the reader in, totally unexpecting what is to follow for most of us, daddy, was and always will be our hero......... Good structure form poet and the word flow, how hard it must have been for you to write such a poem, the memories alone are enough to hurt someone let alone the thought of a child living through this living hell......descriptive, images that wont let go even after the read is over the the link is closed off.....the pain, the fear, the whatever it is called is so vivid, so feeling and I pray thi writing brings you a formof inner peace. Would not suggest any changes, it comes straight from your own private hell, memories stored perhaps in your heart, something you decided to share perhaps with the hopes of helping others in this same situation...... Love means so much to many......different forms of loves, kinds of love, feelings and emotions involved but honey, this has no love in it at all........and I am finding the comfort of knowing you did not blame yourself for this situation and that is good........ Thank you for posting, sharing and most of all for being able to still be here to write........there are many who do not make it within such circumstances. God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2005-04-02 10:42:50
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Audrey, I am not going to approach this piece as I do most, and you will become familiar with my “critiquing” style. In this piece you have taken the worse ill of society, (not just America, as it is often portrayed, but this ill is far worse around the world), and made a personal proclamation. For me, I cannot behold the harming of a child without fury. I cannot behold rape without fury. I am not sure why, but they are the two worst things, of all bad things, for me, in this world. You have captured too well both of those moments, and being a father of two daughters, one who has been raped, I take your piece and internalize the fact that I can’t stop such an injustice. Daddy – Your title slays me. My babies, three grown, are the crown of my life. I dread the words, which will follow your title that should be filled only with love. How crushing the plunge, your weight collapsing my kindergarten bones. – This image is so graphic, so well played that were you to write four lines for this piece, and this is one, the story is told. Your number one girl six at best learned love comes with a price attached to a cock. – The coarseness of this stanza matches the coarseness of the deed. (I do have a suggestion, that you write a second version without “cock”, simply because a lot of younger girls need to read this, and the story is powerful enough on its own). You could say “attached to rape”, and the impact for those who need this verse, would work. Invading me wholly again and again branding me with the dis-ease of obligation. – EXCELLENT “dis-ease of obligation”, it goes back to the special little 6 year old girl, whose love, has initially obligated her to trust the filth that is her father. What is love if not the lust in your eyes? – I am sure this person has been to counseling, that is not love, but that lust is self loathing. It is a spiritual sickness that is the worse of all ills. Did I plea and beg and scratch and gnaw for you to stop? Was my obedience dependable? – Such a stark accusation, so well earned. Was it good for you? – (My feeling on this line, is the adult speaking, the child could never ask that question). If you want this from a child’s perspective, I think this line is of little use, maybe in your “child’s version”, if you choose, leave it out, but for those of us who are adults, it strikes home. Now at twenty-three with eyes the age of time herself I am beginning to remember: you are double fudge chocolate cake and I am diabetic. – The analogy is so striking that it speaks almost curse like. I hope, the diabetic is not without cure. To carry such a burden, (and how can one not), into the future, ah, Lady, Thank you for this poem. I hope some who are now in dangers way, can read it and reach out.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Ann Hemsworth On Date: 2005-04-02 08:38:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
OH my God!! This is such a raw and powerful poem! so real and the emotions spit out on the page! I do not know really what to say, I know that my stomach knotted as I read, because of the content and the agony of the piece. So honest and genuine, raw emotion and feeling. LOVE..oh yes, means so many different things doesn't it!! I do not know to the extent that you do about these feeling but I was molested at the age of 5 but not repeatively..and know only the scares of my experience. Devestating to the soul of a child..breaks the spirit and the heart and I became so empty."How crushing the plunge, your weight collapsing my kindergarten bones. Your number one girl six at best learned love comes with a price attached to a cock. " This is straight language, the anger and hurt screaming from it and from the rest of your poem. You have created such vivid horrific images..of pain, hurt, submission, ..but I do not read "guilt" and this makes me happy...I wore the guilt for years in my heart long after my head knew better...it is is here in these lines of yours it is well discuised with anger etc..I hope it is just not here! You use of questions add much strength to this..and gives the atmosphere more intensity.."was it good for you"..oh my God!! "Now at twenty-three with eyes the age of time herself I am beginning to remember: you are double fudge chocolate cake and I am diabetic." This is such a good comparison of the danger and the addiction that comes with this type of experience..so much mixed messages, feelings, ...I hope this made some sense to you for I am writing from emotion myself here!! you have brought these to the surface, and I have meet one more surviver not victum! thank you for sharing this ...you have so much courage and strength!

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