This Poem was Submitted By: Audrey R Donegan On Date: 2005-04-08 01:25:45 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Letters Winter keeps me
cradling my impatience.
The wait will be
the death of me.
You wrote that day
unto my weakness
of the scent of sage
the howling night
and the brief pause before the thunder.
It stirred me
woke my nodding passion
Reminding me of your wanting eyes
begging for one more glance.
Days turn to weeks turn to months
Your letters shorter now
drab and uninviting.
Yet still my illusion endures
as I sleep
in the arms of Time
awaiting your return.
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Copyright © April 2005 Audrey R Donegan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Latorial D. Faison On Date: 2005-05-05 20:29:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Audrey,
I'm sure many lovers have felt the pain of what lies in the lines of this poem. I think that ht etitel is simple and very appropriate. I like one word titles for subjects that get complicated, and you accentuate these "letters" so profoundly that the reader can see how integral they are, how meaningful they have been.
Most of all, this poem makes a statment about relationships and what can happen when time passes, and time does pass. I think that ultimately, although you're not forceful, you show that there's a resolution to the illusion, that time does change how people really feel. That's what is so mystical about love and relationship. If we can see them or, in this case, communicate with them, we can maintain the bond. But once we lose site of someone, and then lose that communications (letters), it's like they disappear. I think that this poem illustrates that there must be something to hold on to, to keep it going. I also think, you poetically point to the reality that two people may never agree on when the right time to break a tie really is. It might not ever be right, but life goes on.
Thanks for sharing this poem. It was another good one that made me stop and think.
I can't really suggest any changes for this one, because I think it's already a great piece. Perhaps in the following line, the wordj [Reminded] might work, to keep the verb tenses equal and flowing: "Reminding me of your wanting eyes" I don't know. You may not have meant it the way I actually read it. Check it out.
Good write. Can't wait to read the next one.
Latorial
www.latorialfaison.com
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-04-28 07:23:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.25641
Good structure, word flow, feeliings associated with having a loved one away for whatever reason, war, work, just time apart.....those letters keep the two spirits together though until they start to dwindle.....been there, done that, had boxes full when my husband was in the service, out to sea for month's at a time, then after an entire year of separation he returned a changed man.....he had spent the year on the Aleutian Island, off the coast line of Alaska with nine other men, he started his use of pot then and he continues to smoke it today, we are no longer married, for his love stayed somewhere between the USA and Alaska......sad it was, to love someone, to look forward to their return, to keep the home lights burning both in the apartment and in the heart, to raise a child that first year alone, and now, memories ......oh we stayed together for seventeen years but the habit he brought back created problems for him bigger then life itself.....He still calls me today though he has moved away from our original State of Massachusetts.....he has regrets, he is sick, and lonely but he still does his drugs........oh well, thanks for posting, the memories, and thoughts of love of days gone by. God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rick Barnes On Date: 2005-04-24 18:52:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
Audrey,
Here we go.
Here is what I am talking about. Look at your use of the soft sounds in these passages. Take for example your use and repetition of words starting with "W". There is an unbelievable grace in the rhythm of the occurance of those words. There is a ballet between soft and hard aounds.
Winter
keeps me
cradling my impatience.
The
wait will be the
death of me.
You know what...breaking this down becomes an exercise in pedantry. Let me just say this. I don't know if you "get it" or not. But words flow through you in a manner I have not experienced in someone in quite some time. That said, I don't expect you to believe this.
So let's move on what the words are saying.
Winter keeps me
cradling my impatience.
The wait will be
the death of me.
I have lived through this winter. I have the weight of waiting extent beyond the breaking point...and still not break. I have known the toll not yet taken because it continues to take. Your verse here sums that up as well as anything I have ever read.
Frost wrote:
I have been one acquainted with the night."
It captured me in the same way.
You wrote that day
unto my weakness
of the scent of sage
the howling night
and the brief pause before the thunder.
You dance in such soft embrace with your vulnerability.
It stirred me
woke my nodding passion
Reminding me of your wanting eyes
begging for one more glance.
What is so strikingly beautiful is the willingness let these feelings reside. To allow oneself to be reminded in the emptiest of moments of the time when the wanting was reaching for you. To willingly add to weight of the waiting as,
Days turn to weeks turn to months
Sentences grow shorter and words return to their dictionary meaning.
Your letters shorter now
drab and uninviting.
Yet still my illusion endures
as I sleep
in the arms of Time
awaiting your return.
and still, you dance.
Marvelous Audrey. Marvelous.
Rick
This Poem was Critiqued By: Helen C DOWNEY On Date: 2005-04-24 06:12:58
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.54167
Audrey,
The simpleness of the title sets the reader up for wanting to know more of what's inside.
"Winter keeps me cradling my impatience." You snuggle up to the fire and read the letters that
you, anticipating/wishing more would arrive.
"The wait will be the death of me." Waiting is the hardest thing we do. Here you are anticipating the wait will be so long, you your self will shrivel and die.
"You wrote that day unto my weakness..." The letters came at your weakest monment, A time when you needed them, but probably could have done with out them.
"It stirred me woke my nodding passion" The strong use adjectives throughout your poem let me slip into
your emotions and feelings.
When the days turn to weeks turn to months and the letters becoming shortersaddness set in, but you have not given up because you are in the arms of Time awaiting his return. The hands of time do move quickly and maybe brfore you know it he will be back.
I've enjoyed this poem very much. The more poems that I read from you, the more I like them. Thanks for sharing.
Peace,
Helen
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2005-04-16 12:38:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Audrey:
I haven't seen your name before; if you are new, welcome. I have been
out quite a bit myself so I might have missed any prior posts, of
which I hope are many more.
Your title is a nice hook for the reader: which letters? Does poet
mean epistles/missives or parts of the alphabet?
1st stanza is brilliant: Winter keeps me
cradling my impatience.
The wait will be
the death of me.
Three end rhymes which rhyme with an interior word; keeps/cradling are
lovely hard C sounds; the long A in cradling/impatience/wait. I won't
continue with detailed scansion because you know where they are since
poet penned the piece but we DO notice.
S 3 without punctuation may be interpreted differently but what I discern are two lovers separated for whatever reason. The protaganist inhaled
the last letter with its alliterative "scent of sage" and its four "the's",
(easily changed.) A minor nit.
The letter roils poet's emotions and especially remembering his eyes makes this
reader conclude that poet may have been taking the relationship for granted.
Now letters are shorter, do not come as often, are "drab and uninviting".
Poet continues to feel an unrequited love and will sleep now, "awaiting your
return."
Of course, once your poem is put into the public domain, it belongs to your
readers and if/what they feel. I find your piece evocative which is a major
plus and as the poet said, "With rue my heart is laden." It is filled with
regret and sadness which poet delivers expertly.
I assume the separation is akin to a tour of duty in the military...a long one,
if you will. There is a degree of naivete if poet will wait for someone who
has been cavalier with her feelings. He by silence has said it all. Adios,
farewell, ta-ta, and so forth.
There is a loneliness to sleeping in the arms of Time...in the arms of Morpheus
would make more sense to me but still leaves the same query, why wait for him?
It could be that poet left the relationship untended and he possibly decided she
wanted the apartness. Whatever, there will always be love-gone-wrong as a theme
in poetry and you give us a fresh look at an age-old topic.
Nice writing. Hope you enjoy TPL and stay. We need talented poets and you are
in that category.
Best wishes,
Mell Morris
This Poem was Critiqued By: charles r pitts On Date: 2005-04-11 05:12:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
having served in the army, i feel you on this one. alone, lonely, and states away, my only connection to her was through letters. longingly i waited for basic training to end so that i might see her again. afterwards, the months between leaves was torturous. as my letters became more passionate, urgent, and desperate, hers became more "drab and uninviting", colder, less frequent until inevitably, they stopped altogether as she moved on with her life as i turned circles in limbo. but throughout, my memories of her, and of us, had grown so in stature, become so ideal as to be seemingly change how and who we were. this poem brings back memories of that old pain, that deep ache that only lost loves of youth can claim.
-The wait will be
the death of me.
-It stirred me
woke my nodding passion
Reminding me of your wanting eyes
begging for one more glance.
these lines really capture the wanting i felt
very nice
charlie
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2005-04-10 16:44:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
Audrey,
Drat, boy have I been there. Awaiting the return of a loved one.
{man friend] I truly believe in our minds are all the illusions of what love means to
us. And everyone's different! Thats partly why we're mostly disappointed.
Hope will always spring eternal. So as well you should hope.
Who know what lies in his mind and heart?
I liked days turn to weeks turn to months....[nice terse wording]
also, sleep in the arms of time....
Maybe you shouldn't sleep?
keep on keeping on.........
Men can be the pain of one but rarely the death.....thank God!
Good job Audrey!
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-04-08 16:22:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Audrey,
The first two lines....'winter keeps me cradling my impatience' drew me in and compelled me to read this
piece...more than once. I feel the pathos in your words...sadness for an absent lover for whatever
reason...'the scent of sage (and) the brief pause before (the) thunder' just a suggestion I would delete
the 'and' & 'the' from this line...I often leave in words that are unnecessary too even tho I know the
poem is tighter when left out...'woke my nodding passion'...this is a great line!...'your letters shorter
now drab and uninviting'...another good line that tells us that the poet is suffering seperation loss.
...'I sleep in the arms of time waiting your return'...I really like the way you have ended this piece.
It discribes the longing one has for their mate or lover...perhaps both. Well done...keep up the
good work!
Blessings....Marilyn
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