This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-04-09 16:05:13 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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About Love eyes meet
a smile lights up
your beautiful soft face
my heart skips a beat at the sight
of love |
|
Copyright © April 2005 marilyn terwilleger
Additional Notes:
I recently had a birthday (regressed a year) and was given a book of Cinquain poetry written by a man in
Colorado. They have five lines with 2,4,6,8,2 syllables in each line for a total of 22 syllables. This is
my first attempt so be kind!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2005-05-04 08:05:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.97059
Marilyn,
Cinquain
always my bane
but, you do it so well
that i might once again try it
so, thanks
Lovely poem = lovely message Marilyn in a form that is really hard to
master in a serious way. Happy belated birthday.
Brava
Rach
This Poem was Critiqued By: Audrey R Donegan On Date: 2005-05-01 00:44:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.26087
And what a sweet 1st attempt.
This piece makes me smile and dream of its contents.
Nicely done,
Audrey
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2005-04-29 17:10:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.54167
Marilyn,
What I liked was 'his' smile lit up, upon seeing you.
How great is that?
And his face is soft/meaning tender!
beat/meet nice internal rhyme.
I think you could have ended it........[of you]instead of love.
i like 'it' even upside down or backward.
Love captures all....
dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Troy D Skroch On Date: 2005-04-24 11:15:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.20000
Marilyn,
I was just cruising around the link looking for pick up lines for my friend Mike and thought I'd give this a try.
eyes meet
your fur top on
your beautiful black boots
my heart topples camouflaged by your
loving
Ok, that was really bad.
I think that love lends itself well to trying anything new. I mean, what a great subject. I think the syllable structure of this form of writing forces a certain directness at the beginning and in the end.
Your words:
eyes meet
a smile lights up
my heart skips a beat at the sight
of love
Well, maybe, but don't you think that the structure forces you to get into the poem quickly, allowing you a brief rest during the 6 and 8 syllable lines, then bang, you have to end it with two syllables. It's very artful and disciplined. Unlike me. LOL!
Actually, this is a very effective communication, way to pass memorable events, etc. Good for you to try and succeed on your first attempt.
It's always a pleasure talking with you.
I wish we had a chat room where we could play around with structure in real time. I know that the forum is great for that, but when I have time, nobody is around and you can't address the questions in the now. Maybe we do have a live chat page and I don't know it. Perhaps, I should use ICQ or Yahoo messenger.
I better go to work. Now! LOL!
Again, a pleasure,
Troy
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-04-20 01:14:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.90000
Good morning poet.........as thought, I have no clue other then what you have indicated this kind of poetry to be.....I can tell you I have read it, smiled when finished my reading for it indeed touched my heart, one could not only see but feel the love radiating from within.......happy belated birthday to you as well......its always nice to take a way a year rather then add it.......I am hoping to do the same at the end of the year...hehehe.....
Your Cinquain poetry meets the required lines with syllables within totalling 22.......I think you did a great job at your first time out with this form of poetry. Thank you for posting and sharing with us. God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-04-14 08:12:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Kind? Why?
Okay, you asked for it!
I have nothing to ad!hahahaha
Phew. What an exercise. It's one I don't like. I'd rather sweat and do a xword puzzle.
Okay...so what kind of love are you talking of?
If your heart skips a beat, maybe you should see a cardiologist!
Okay! It's just okay. It doesn't grab me. How's that for being kind?
BTW...I hope you had a happy birthday.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wanda S. Thibodeaux On Date: 2005-04-12 00:16:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
Dear Marilyn,
I try not to write often about love. You, however, express very well the experience of
eyes meeting and knowing "About Love." You've aced the test here, with 22 syllables to
offer a complete and beautiful thought. I should try this, I'm just too longwinded...ha!
Happy belated birthday!
You have posted many poems I enjoyed very much in the last few months. I always read
but have been caught up in a crisis and you know how that is. Tonight I am taking a few
moments for myself and this was one of the first to catch my eye.
Well, of course, I wanted to check your syllable count...just teasing...teehee!
Is there a rule about caps, subject matter, as in Haiku?
Hope you have been well. Please keep posting, you have really made great strides in
your writing. I am most sincere in saying your posts have been lovely and a pleasure
to read.
Always,
Wanda
This Poem was Critiqued By: Helen C DOWNEY On Date: 2005-04-11 13:40:58
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
A very unique piece of work in which simple words speak loudly.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2005-04-09 17:50:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 7.00000
Marilyn, a fine job it is. What strikes me most of this verse is the intangibles, those things where the action is all self initiated, where love must fire, and endure, without interaction, that is verbal or physical. The metaphysical and the spiritual are far more powerful. I have known love at first sight, and there is nothing more powerful than that.
About Love – You immediately define for us the parameters of your thesis. It is one that is a favorite of mine. I look forward to listening to the rain.
eyes meet – you allow the reader to set the distance, the circumstance, even, if you will, the race, creed, and gender. The meeting takes place, and all can partake.
a smile lights up
your beautiful soft face – There is no greater joy, than to tender love and have the face break back with a smile. Love knows its own extent. We, I, always respond, for there is nothing more worth the effort.
my heart skips a beat at the sight – It is why I miss the chase, the surprise, the next set of drapes, the silhouettes, the mystery, and although consummated love has its reward, ah, the excitement and nuances of discovery, are matchless.
of love – once again you leave us the parameter, that it must be, and I agree, it must.
Thanks for a stirring piece. I had such fun in reading and speaking to this piece. With all the seriousness of less primal needs, love is too often left and considered fluff. I’ll take it any day!!
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