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This Poem was Submitted By: Helen C DOWNEY On Date: 2005-04-17 10:51:28 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Night

My favorite time is night... It is attentive and understanding... even in its coldest moments. There's nothing quite as relaxing as it's gentle murmur... Of the rain in the midnight blackness, Or the rustling of the dry leaves And the crackling of the bare branches. Besides the stillness, Stars still twinkle above... And the loneliness persists. You're not here... But I still have the night before.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Troy D Skroch On Date: 2005-04-30 21:58:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.63636
Helen, You keep popping up on my list, in fact you are all over my list of poems to critque tonight. Oh, and I forgot to comment on the title to your poem "Moon Dancing". It works so well to blanket the poem in the night with the moon overhead. In fact the title initiates the dance much sooner than I originally thought. My mistake, please forgive me. Speaking of night. This poem, again is well crafted and romantic, in the sense that night is such a romantic time. [My favorite time is night... It is attentive and understanding...] This is so true. Night wraps us like silk and when you are in it, it is all around you. It erases the busy images of the day and waits to hear your thoughts and reflections. The perfect listener is night, no matter the temperature. [There's nothing quite as relaxing as it's gentle murmur... Of the rain in the midnight blackness, Or the rustling of the dry leaves And the crackling of the bare branches.] Here you bring back to me the memories of when I was younger and broke and sleeping on my parents screen porch. Just lying there listening to the rain fall and drip. I can't think of a more comforting way to fall asleep. And night sounds are great. The mystery of the "rustling" leaves and "crakling" of branches. Neat. [Besides the stillness, Stars still twinkle above.] You move from sound to "stillness", the stillness of the stars. The night sky’s chandelier. You use the sounds of "s" in this transition very well..."blackness, leaves, branches, besides, stillness, stars, still". Nice alliteration. [And the loneliness persists. You're not here... But I still have the night before.] A persistent loneliness. The missing of another. The last line is brilliant in its logic. "I still have the night before." Bravo! A perfect ending and a testimony to well crafted poetry. Again, best, Troy

This Poem was Critiqued By: Audrey R Donegan On Date: 2005-04-27 13:47:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 6.00000
Ah, seeking solace and refuge in the night - Haven't we all. The ability to admire the beauty of the world in our loneliest state of being - a true gift. Suggestion: to take out 'It is' in the 2nd line and then maybe add another line inbetween the 2nd and 3rd describing its attentiveness, something along the lines of- to my every need/desire Again, stunning as is. Audrey

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2005-04-26 18:14:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Helen: A lovely and poignant poem, feels exclusively mine. I get attached to poems in that manner when the words spin a tapestry that fits my bed exactly. That is where I am spending most of my times these days, waiting for night and improved health. "There's nothing quite as relaxing as its(') gentle murmur..." Miracle of linguistry..."rain in the midnight blackness"... and now poet brings in the rain to rustle the dry leaves and crackle bare branches. Nice alliteration. "Stillness" does not seem to fit as we have rustled and crackled and murmured. Besides the "shadows?" Stars twinkle, loneliness persists. You're not here but I still have the night before. You have a marvelous gift for writing, Helen, and this captures and sustains that gift for selection of and affixing the right words. We are supposed to keep our crits short but this little lyrical poem would translate beautifully into music. I will look for more of your poems when I'm allowed out of bed. Brava! Mell Morris

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2005-04-23 08:31:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Helen, Greetings and welcome to TPL. At least it seems like you are a new face. I must admit I haven't been around much in the last month or two, so I could have missed plenty in that time. To get a feel for your writtings, I spent some time with "Fog Removal", "Moon Dancing" and "Fornlorn" and I hope you have book of poetry published with these and more, because I feel they are interconnected and welldone with freshness and flowing emotion. I've begun with "Night", only because it is at the top of my list, although I lost myself in this one. I find "Night" uncomplicated and yet deep enough to reveal plenty of the author and give the reader a venue to explore self a bit at the same time. The sheer simpleness of the title sets the reader up for the most pleasant of surprises. What's inside is anything but simplistic. When I first started reading I thought, well, hmmm, this is pleasant enough with your beginning of "My favorite time is night...". Your use of the adjectives "attentive" and "understanding" were a bit unexpected(which always scores high with me). I enjoy the personification, letting the reader know that Night comes to the rescue of the damsel in distress. He attends to us and understands our loss. "even in its coldest moments." The double-meaning did not escape this reader. I think I almost love night better in the winter(maybe...merely speculation) because it's so cozy to curl up under the comforter and snooze. Sometimes I feel like it's the only time I'm truely warm and comfortable. But the "coldest moments" also can be when we're feeling so alone in the world because of a loss or hurt. The sights and sounds of night can be a companion of solace when we're alone. " There's nothing quite as relaxing as it's gentle murmur..." Now this line reminds me of how I might actually like summer nights better, because the lull of the treefrogs is possibly the most rhythmic and hypnotic sound I know. But any night's sounds can be like a mother murmuring sweetly 'hush, go to sleep lil' baby.' " Of the rain in the midnight blackness," I know it's wierd and I'm probably fairly alone in this but I love rain. Now just the sound of the pitter patter that lulls. Rain at night helps me sleep and but rain also reminds me of newness and freshness. Mother nature giving the outside world a good cleansing. Here I think midnight blackness means not just night, but the dark depressive feelings of loss. " Or the rustling of the dry leaves And the crackling of the bare branches" Nice "B" alliteration I love to hear the poplar leaves rustling in the tree outside my bedroom window. Yet, hearing the breeze blow through the leaves and trees gives a feeling of vulnerbility and smallness and makes this reader know that I depend on the passing of the seasons and the firm hold of our Creator. Dry leaves and crackling branches gives a suggestion again of aloneness. The "Stars twinking above", sends this reader back to the suggestion that someone is watching over us at all times. Whether we are good, bad, indifferent, there is a higher power right there when we are in need. I like this ending. It shows that you are moving through the darkness toward the light at the end of the tunnel, even though it may not feel that way sometimes. I enjoyed this poem. The structure and line breaks lend to the flow quite nicely, although I suggest you lose the ellipsis. It is distracting and unneeded. Thanks for sharing this piece of your heart. I feel I know something of you just from the read. Blessings, Jennifer

This Poem was Critiqued By: Lennard J. McIntosh On Date: 2005-04-19 19:09:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Re: Night I can feel an effective personification of “Night.” It has this reader enjoying “the person’s” company, as one might enjoy a likeable individual who has just been introduced. Helen writes: “There's nothing quite as relaxing as it's gentle murmur …” *** Oh, this is good, and it well illustrates what I mean about effective personification. Helen writes: “the loneliness persists. You're not here... But I still have the night before.” *** The ending gives an interesting twist. This reader found himself saying, “I see, this is where it’s going,” to apply a satisfactory ending to this well-written piece. The style indicates experience in the craft. Thank you for posting, Helen. I enjoy what you’d done with these few lines. Len

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-04-18 19:54:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.38889
Hi Helen, You have said so much more than you have written...leaving it to the imagination of the reader of what transpired the night before! Very well done. Just a couple of little nits...I would drop some of the "the" in...of (the) rain in (the) midnight blackness and or (the) rustling of (the) dry leaves and (the) crackling of (the) bare branches and (the) lonliness persists. These are only suggestions to tighten up this lovely poem and is in no way intended to change the meaning (which is delicious) and well written. You have used dramatic and wonderful descriptors which enhance every line. When I begin to write I always have too many 'the' scattered throughout...I think I do that because that is the way I talk. But then I go through the editing process and even then I don't get them all and someone usually points that out. But that is why we post here to learn and become better poets...I know it has worked for me. Thanks for this soft and tender poem. Blessings...mt

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