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This Poem was Submitted By: Audrey R Donegan On Date: 2005-04-27 17:04:04 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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A Life Borrowed (adult content)

My life is not my own one of borrowed truths and lies slipped in the milk, dictated by commanding ego demanding my silence ass tits and tears. The searing imagery festers fierce glares and forced compliance- my own personal post-traumatic Vietnam. Even now that the maggots have taken you their prisoner and the earth consumes your lack of humanity, I lie hear awake Breathe heavy and stir knowing dreams are never safe or secure.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Helen C DOWNEY On Date: 2005-05-02 17:23:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.68182
Audrey, I don't think any ones' life is their own, maybe a few, but for the most of us it appears that our lives are being dictated by some one or another. Such a heavy and deep poem here which is written with wonderful metaphors and great imagery. My favorite part of your poem is in the last stanza... ['I lie hear awake Breathing heavy and stir knowing dreams are never safe or secure.] This part tells the reader that you do a lot of heavy thinking at all times. The flow of the poem was good, with strong words that make the reader stop and think. Great job in the structure. Helen

This Poem was Critiqued By: Troy D Skroch On Date: 2005-04-30 17:56:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60000
Audrey, Hi, my name is Troy, you critiqued one of my poems so I'm trying to give you some feedback on some of yours. I see you've been busy this month. First of all this remarkable writing and expression that wastes no words in it's description of what to me is a horrible and abusive relationship that shows the female persona as little more than a sex object and the recipient of both mental and physical abuse. The first stanza wastes no words, cutting to the point. "lies slipped in the milk," Makes me think that from birth some of the things that we grew up believing are not so or don't turn out to be how we expect them to be. I really like the line when I think of it like this. "dictated by commanding ego demanding my silence ass tits and tears." This is just so sad and unfair and unloving that it blows me away. "ass - tits - tears" creates a rythem and when I put it perspective of the stanza taken as a whole it delivers a stunning blow. Again excellent writing. In the second stanza I become aware that this is a situation of remembrance where "searing imagery festers" filled with "fierce glares and forced compliance". Your strong word choices really drive the poem. "the maggots have taken you their prisoner and the earth consumes your lack of humanity," These lines are incredible and serve some "poetic justice", at least in my mind. "I lie hear awake Breathe heavy and stir knowing dreams are never safe or secure." Even after the resolution of the relationship, if you can call it that, one still can not feel secure. Audrey, you waste no words in making your point. This is good and troubling writing. I love my wife dearly and a poem such of this makes me both angry and sad. I can't imagine that this was easy for you to write. I hope that this is not a comment on something that has happened or is happening in your own life. Best Always, Troy

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-04-28 19:17:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.26667
Hi Poet.....A compelling piece making it one to be read over and over again. Does the poet speak of her own nightmares? Too much for anyone to live through let alone a child.......a past filled with horrows that are all consuming, devastating, un-forgiving to say the least. Your words scream of sexual abuse but even though the abuser is dead peace will not come....'borrowed truths and lies slipped in milk, demanding my silence'...Why this grown child can no longer tell now that the abuser is dead? Would this not help ease some of her inner pains and quiet those nightmares? This is so sad and as a mother and grandmother I want to hold this little girl in my arms and bring her some kind of peace, comfort and security letting her know she is not alone. "I lie hear (here) awake breath heavy and stir knowing dreams are never safe or secure." perfect ending for this gut wrenching piece. Thank you for posting and sharing this with us, it was a most difficult piece to write yet perhaps it has somehow brought some inner peace to the writer......God Bless, Claire Good structure, word flow, images and emotion filled..........a hard one to offer any suggestions for as it stands on its own.

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-04-28 10:10:54
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Hi Audrey, You have written such a compelling piece that it is hard not to read it many times over. I wonder if the poet is speaking of her own nightmares? If so her past and remembrance of her past is all consuming, devastating, and un-forgiving. The words (to me) scream of sexual abuse but even though the abuser is dead peace will not come....'borrowed truths and lies slipped in milk, demanding my silence'...oh yes this little girl cannot tell...so the images in her thoughts just lay there and fester becoming larger than the child that still resides inside. This is so sad and it makes me want to gather up this little girl and comfort her....'even now that the maggots have taken you their prisoner and earth consumes your lack of humanity'....wonderful phrase...I can feel the pathos in the words which makes me personally feel anger....'I lie hear awake breath heavy and stir knowing dreams are never safe or secure.' perfect ending for this gut wrenching piece. I do hope you are not speaking of your own trauma and I have probably walked all over your meaning but the words speak to me in this manner. Very well written with great words and descriptors...bravo! Blessings....Marilyn

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rick Barnes On Date: 2005-04-28 01:31:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.09091
A. This theme is recurring, as it must daily in your head. I wonder if or how many times you have written it out in prose form and what parts get muddled in the reshowing and which parts come downstage and stand in the light. Your bravery is amazing almost seductively so. You have a direct to the point style that in capturing to me. I frankly prefer poetry with a harder edge these days. I think I must be headed there myself. As usual, you have captured me, Rick

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