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This Poem was Submitted By: Audrey R Donegan On Date: 2005-04-27 19:38:25 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Bus Stop Memories

My mind races questions clutter thoughts muddle around and collide. Battling for clarity they are interrupted- by exquisite hallucinations biblical even of seductive serpents the scarlet temptress and a fatal serum spreading ever widening. The stares of drunken perverse men scheming with mal-intent pierce me bodily as I sit here, ill and sweating desperation at the bus stop.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2005-05-05 06:50:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Audrey, this has fabulous imagery. The implied Biblical metaphor that extends throughout the piece is very nicely developed. I love how the speaker starts as an ordinary commuter and ends up as an imagined but very ironic Christ-figure. My mind races questions clutter thoughts muddle around and collide. Pleasant assonance with clutter/muddle, which will be picked up by "interrupted" in the next line. The nature of these questions isn't given. However, the speaker's segue into decidedly frightening imagery, with sinful connotations, makes for interesting speculations! She calls these "exquisite hallucinations/biblical even", which implies her attitude toward whatever temptations she may be facing. ... seductive serpents the scarlet temptress and a fatal serum spreading ever widening. Sounds as if she may be giving in to this allure! Does she perceive herself as a Jezebel? There's a certain Cleopatra association with the serum and serpents. The speaker seems well aware that she's succumbing to it. The stares of drunken perverse men scheming with mal-intent pierce me bodily Hmmm, "perverse" men. Again, a revealing detail about the speaker's attitude/situation. Whatever has happened to her -- or whatever she has done (possibly while inebriated, herself) -- she feels crucified by it. "Pierce me bodily" is such a striking image! as I sit here, ill and sweating desperation at the bus stop. Here, the desperation further arouses our curiosity. Is this, perhaps, a bout of morning sickness? It would explain the preceding imagery quite nicely. Do we have a woman who's afraid she is pregnant but hasn't come to terms with it? Or is there some other explanation? The bus stop opens up other possibilities. Her destination could be anywhere from within the city to far, far away. She could be running toward, or running from. It's the tantalizing uncertainty that makes this poem work so effectively! I have no suggestions for change. This piece is as polished as they come. Brenda

This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-05-02 12:06:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.80952
My goodness, what did you OD on? You are quite vivid describing serpents and temptresses and drunken perverse (how did you know?)men speaking of their scheming and mal intent (is that hyphenated?). Did one of these men approach you or were you just hallucinating? You talk of a fatal serum spreading, and of being ill and sweating, etc. I take thinks, usually quite literally so I don't know if there is some hidden meanings here. The piece is well laid out and took me to the end easily for which I wish I had some answers.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Helen C DOWNEY On Date: 2005-04-28 17:25:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.63889
A powerful piece with good structure and word imagery. I liked the line..ill and sweating desparation..I felt as though I had better get out of there soon. I can relate to this poem. In LA I felt like that all the time. It was scary. Great Job! Helen

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rick Barnes On Date: 2005-04-28 01:23:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.09091
a. I was sitting across from a woman in an airport and she kept looking at me as if I were having the most luscious thoughts of her. The more she stared the more luscious my thought sbecame. It all starts with some sort of magnetism that transcends words, touch, even vision. Sometimes the fantasy is only held in your head. snd sometimes that is enough. It will one way or another find relase. I particularly like "the fatal syrum spreading ever widening." I would go on and on but were it for the forum. Not that I mind but... r.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-04-28 01:18:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.28947
Poet.....Where in God's beautiful land do you live for the image created with the flare of your pen on bus stop memories is horrible........it put fear into me just with the reading.........the thought of exquisite hallucinations gave my mind to wonder back to a time with LSD.....a hallucination drug that so many tried just for the trip.......though it was heard of, read about, talked about, I never knew anyone or heard of anyone who actually took the drug here in my part of the world....though I live in a small place, very few people , I know drugs reach everyone......the bus only ran for morning and afternoon school pick up .......there was no public transportation back then for us to catch to go to the store, grocery or otherwise....today there is a Mart bus service I hear and perhaps they do experience all that youhave written about..... Your poem is well constructed poet, the word flow allows for emotions and images to be created as one reads on...the smell of alcohol and stale beer mix with the scheming of mal intent felt from the stares of the men one came across on this bus stop....... A few years ago I was going to Boston to visit an eye doctor with my aunt......she told me about these situations and thought if we took a gun for protection it would be better....wow, hate to say it I made her son take her and I stayed home...........fear took over, an emotion that many of us have a hard time dealing with. Thanks for posting and sharing this poet.........I pray your safe where you presently reside and I know from reading your work that you walk with the Lord by your side.....God Bless, Claire

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