This Poem was Submitted By: Helen C DOWNEY On Date: 2005-05-02 18:04:10 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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The Secret Love

We met at the Cafe Le TE It was our usual meeting place to play Where we exchanged many kisses and hugs Tossed our heads back in laughter           and clicked clicked our mugs To continue our journey, to go our way! We would picnic in many different places Run around, laugh, and taste food of many races Ride horses, galloping through many a kingdom Enjoying the winds of our new found freesom Oh we had such happy faces! No one knew from where that we came Every moment spent happily together was our game He would cry when I had to leave... I reminded him that he should continue to bekieve That I would love him until enternity It was as though the days with him were full and long But in reality they were the length of a song For he was from the past In a world that I could no longer last I awoke from the sound of the alarm.

Copyright © May 2005 Helen C DOWNEY


This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2005-06-05 23:50:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.70000
Aw sweet escape, sweet surrender, I believe we all have them and hide them so well. Don't you just hate those alarms sometimes. I liked the rhythm of your writing, you drew me quite subtlely and then moved me through the dream. Thank you for a break from the mundane.


This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Ann Hemsworth On Date: 2005-06-03 19:37:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.84615
I enjoyed the fluid rhyme scheme in this poem and all the great images you have painted with your pen. I really liked the way you did the twist in the last stanza and brought this around, letting the reader that they were witnessing a dream, not the reality..and another day begins. Good read, thanks for sharing. Nancy
This Poem was Critiqued By: Latorial D. Faison On Date: 2005-06-01 02:29:58
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Helen, Let me first say that I really like this poem. I like the title. I like what unfolds in each stanza. It's not too heavy. It's not too simple, but it unfolds just right in a more than poetic way. Your words ring, and readers come to know the depths of this affair, this relationship that blossoms and takes us on the ins and outs of the secret meetings. We feel the fun, and we see the love that exists here between the two. And it's beautiful. We met at the Cafe Le TE It was our usual meeting place to play Where we exchanged many kisses and hugs Tossed our heads back in laughter and clicked clicked our mugs (I wasn't sure if you meant two use the word twice, perhaps CLICK CLICKED . . . ) To continue our journey, to go our way! We would picnic in many different places Run around, laugh, and taste food of many races Ride horses, galloping through many a kingdom (this stanza is so telling and very necessary; it is the backdrop of the secret meetings and brings it all home) Enjoying the winds of our new found freesom (FREEDOM) No one knew from where that we came (perhaps . . . FROM WHENCE WE CAME) I reminded him that he should continue to bekieve (BELIEVE) It was as though the days with him were full and long But in reality they were the length of a song (these two lines are my favorite lines in the poem; such sweet sentiment, a bold statement) For he was from the past In a world that I could no longer last (perhaps, IN A WORLD IN WHICH I COULD NO LONGER. . . ) I awoke from the sound of the alarm. (wow, and to think this was all a dream, literally and figuratviely; this is phenomenal) Thanks for sharing this one at TPL this month. It was great to read and be taken to another place with your words. Great job. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2005-05-25 08:11:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
The Knight in shining armor. Love the ending in this piece for it places a strong emphasis on the dream. Although you have a well presented piece there are a few suggestions I will make. It has been awhile since I have been around and am known for saying what I think otherwise one will never know how there piece is viewed. Although I do not like to comment on spelling you might want to put your poem into Word and check the spelling, sometimes it will distract the reader. Some words that distracted me were freesom (freedom), bekieve (believe). First stanza did not match the remaining in presentation six lines verses the five in the others even though you offset the fifth line in it. Here are some other suggestions for other areas: Tossing our heads back in laughter click, click our mugs, continuing the journey on! (Just a thought not the answer) Picnicing in many different places Running, laughing, tasting food and many races Saddle horses, then gallop through our kingdom Enjoying winds of our found new freedom Such happy faces on our silouettes. (Again only a suggestion not the answer) No one new from whence we came. Alas, awoke, the tone of an alarm... Again these are only suggestions. I see a great potential within this writing for you are expressing feelings and dreams. Thanks for sharing. Thomas
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2005-05-14 09:52:20
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Helen, I sometimes tend to over-analyse and draw many interpretations from a poet's work. I've drawn two from yours. Firstly, this could be a lover you have in another country whom no one knows about (not even the lover you are officialy with) or a dream from the past where you remember a man you loved which did not materialise into a full-fledged relationship. I'll go with the latter. You've written this on a rhyme scheme and have employed a lot of imagery to give the reader a very real feel of what this relationship was all about and how much it meant to yourself and your lover. Aptly titled 'Secret Love', this poem takes us through the cafes, picnics, horse riding, kingdoms, etc ending on a note of a declaration of love but with a sense of closure. For some reason, the poet is unable to make the relationship last - this could be out of guilt or out of a sense of owing to the 'official' love. 'I awoke from the sound of the alarm' This is the line that makes me feel that this is about a literal dream. I noticed two typos in verses two and three - freedom and believe'. Keep posting and take care!! Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wanda S. Thibodeaux On Date: 2005-05-11 22:16:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Dear Helen, Welcome to the site. I've never read your work before, very good submissions. I have read this several times to get a feel for what you are saying. The lover really is a secret, an imaginary friend. A great original idea. "The Secret Love" works well as title for this piece. "We met at the Cafe Le TE-It was our usual meeting place to play." I would shorten these lines giving the poem more impact. I see why you used "to play" but somehow it takes on a juvenile tone after that line. This is an adorable piece with just a few changes. We met at the Cafe Le TE, our usual meeting place. After the hugs, we toasted each other, laughing. We were eager to continue our journey. This poem would look and read easier if you took out some of the unnecessary words. Doesn't have to be the example I wrote but your own decision as to words cut. I really like the poem and make suggestions only. Hope you don't mind, I write long lines and too many words also, so I can relate very well. When you have started to do this, you'll see how easily you move right thru the poem making it clearer and clearer for readers. I read your bio so I know you must write and writing other material will allow more words, but a poem must have light. Helen, hope you enjoy your stay here. A pleasure commenting on your work. Hope to see lots more. Best Wishes! Wanda
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-05-11 01:34:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
The Secret Love........what a lovely, inviting title poet..........brings a little mystery for openers........and the structure is very well done too......the word flow allows for images to appear and re appear as one continues on through this journey of yours......there are a few typo's noted....freesom might be freedom.....bekieve should be believe......there are time when you have me feeling like I am in times of old when knights were in shinning armor.......there is a sadness to this love, it comes from the past, it is no longer a part of your present and then to wake and find it all a dream......very well done poet......you leave it with the thought perhaps of adding to it in due time with another poem ..............thank you for posting and sharing with us. God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Audrey R Donegan On Date: 2005-05-03 15:43:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
Helen, This is a nice piece. A dream of what was? Or maybe just a dream, I'm curious to know. 'clicked clicked' - I love the image. You might want to play around with the idea of 'click clicked'. Two typos which I'm sure you have seen (I know I always see them AFTER I post a poem) freesom/freedom and bekieve'believe One more suggestion to ponder (or not) is possibly changing 'game' to gain. I don't know why but I think it fits the feel of the poem more. Either way, nicely done. Thanks again, Audrey
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