This Poem was Submitted By: Mandie J Overocker On Date: 2005-06-18 11:38:14 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Dried out branches and bloodstained leaves Tumble through the fall Of whispering trees A tortuous tale of  The change of seasons Innocense lost Brings no rhyme or reason A grieving mother Searches for child lost A beautiful soul Such a horrible cost He came out of darkness To wildflower fields And stole her away To hell she must yield He made her his wife Promised everything there But sadness became her And nothing would bear Her mother still grieving Continued to seek  And cursed all the earth For so many weeks Her father had promised  Her to this thief But seeing the turmoil He turned a new leaf She may return From darkness therein But one condition Not a thing could be eaten But four seeds she ate And four months we see bare Lands with out fruit In cold dark despair Mother and daughter united But bittersweer is their tale For once every year She must return to the veil.

Copyright © June 2005 Mandie J Overocker

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-07-07 20:21:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.58537
Poet I just wanted you to know I have read this over and over again and I have no response for you the poet and author you have done a great job of putting this most difficult piece together, structured well, word flow which brings forth so many images..........emotionally packed as well......again, thank you for posting and sharing God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-07-07 19:20:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.47500
Pesephone, queen of the underworld.Hey what a great story...fairy tale if you would. But she didn't ride away with the prince in shining armor. Good layout and rhyme scheme. good title too! Thanks. P.S.: innocence
This Poem was Critiqued By: charles r pitts On Date: 2005-06-22 15:09:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
have always loved mythology-both Greek and Roman,and fascinated endlessly by tales of the origins of the worlds. u have recreated an old favorite here, and done so quite remarkably. your language is very mysterious and appropriate for your tone and theme in most parts, but whether intentional or not,there is a rhythm just below the surface that rolls along then hits a snag. i suggest writing this whole piece in 4 syllable rhyming lines. u can eliminate unnecessary words that are affecting the rhythm, and could really bring out the heart and soul of this piece. here is an example of what im talking about using a few stanzas as suggestions Dried out branches bloodstained the leaves Tumble through Fall's whispering trees tortuous tale changing seasons Innocense lost no rhyme; reason grieving mother little child lost beautiful soul horrible cost from darkest depth to flowered field stole her away Nether-land yield bound as his wife life without care lifeless dead earth nothing would bear love this
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2005-06-20 11:20:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.48485
Mandie, Your imagery is superb, nice flow to your stanza's, yes poor Persephone, her lot definately wasn't easy. Perhaps there are lessons to be learned from her plight, but who will learn them. Thank you for your vivid and unique way of telling Persephone's story. Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rebecca B. Whited On Date: 2005-06-18 20:31:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.82353
Mandie, "Persephone" [your title identifies your theme about the daughter of Zeus and Demeter, who was kidnapped by Hades, god of the dead] "Dried out branches and bloodstained leaves Tumble through the fall Of whispering trees" [This introductory stanza relates to the barren season, when Persephone was with Hades and also, I associate it with the earth opening up, allowing Hades to seize her from the meadow where she was picking wildflowers, as alluded to in "Tumble through the fall Of whispering trees" ... I like that] "A tortuous tale of The change of seasons Innocense lost Brings no rhyme or reason" [a tale of devious tactics, trickery; very descriptive] "A grieving mother Searches for child lost A beautiful soul Such a horrible cost" [the soft sibilance of the 's' here sounds as if one can hear the sound of Demeter's sadness, as she searches for her child] "He came out of darkness To wildflower fields And stole her away To hell she must yield" [kidnapped against her will, she must yield to his will in hell] "He made her his wife" [did he force her to eat the seed of the pomegranate, the fruit that symbolized marriage, or did she do so of her own free will?] "Promised everything there But sadness became her And nothing would bear" [in her sorrow, she could bear no fruit in her womb from his seed?] "Her mother still grieving Continued to seek And cursed all the earth For so many weeks" [Demeter, goddess of agriculture and fertility, cursed the earth; laid it barren] "Her father had promised Her to this thief" [did Zeus promise Persephone to Hades, or did Hades kidnap her?] "But seeing the turmoil He turned a new leaf" [Zeus ordered Hades to return her to her mother, not realizing that she had entered under the marriage veil to Hades...I like the use of 'turned a new leaf,' as it indicates one of the reasons Zeus wanted Hades to return her, so that the earth would be fertile again] "She may return From darkness therein But one condition Not a thing could be eaten But four seeds she ate" [I think that if you identified the pomegranate seeds and their meaning, it would tie in the reason for her absence from from the earth for four months out of the year] "And four months we see bare" [due to her absence from the earth] "Lands with out fruit In cold dark despair" good imagery here; the earth in mourning for her absence, which is spent in the underworld. The myth of Persephone explained the cycle of fertility in nature; thus the seasons.] "Mother and daughter united But bittersweer is their tale For once every year She must return to the veil." [ah, Zeus' arranged compromise between Demeter and Hades; two-thirds of the year Persephone would spend on earth with her mother, and the other third of the year, she would spend with Hades; bittersweet indeed.] Nice read Mandie, interesting and deep... Later, Beck
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