This Poem was Submitted By: Mandie J Overocker On Date: 2005-06-27 16:15:37 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Playful Rain

There’s a river in the parking lot I thought you’d like to know If you decide to come or not To plan which way to go The water’s dancing on the street It’s a spectacle to see I hope the rain will still let us meet It’s that important to me So don your yellow raincoat And grab your trusty umbrella Come to me if you must by boat You are my love, my fella.

Copyright © June 2005 Mandie J Overocker

Additional Notes:
i'm having way too much fun this month. Thank you to all who have read and replied to my work here. You are all dears to me!

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rebecca B. Whited On Date: 2005-07-01 19:45:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.76923
Mandie, What an appropriate title you have chosen for this poem, which sings of a playful lilt ['a rhythmical swing, flow, or cadence']! "There?s a river in the parking lot I thought you?d like to know If you decide to come or not To plan which way to go" [nice intro, as it informs the reader that the person you expect to meet you there may or may not attend because of the weather...however, I sense that you know he will show, by the playful tone to your words...LOL....a 'river', it must have been raining hard!] "The water?s dancing on the street It?s a spectacle to see I hope the rain will still let us meet It?s that important to me" [nice imagery here in this stanza...I like the personification of the 'water', as if it had the ability to dance, make a spectacle of itself. I sense your anticipation here also, of the excitement you feel in anticipation of your meeting] "So don your yellow raincoat And grab your trusty umbrella Come to me if you must by boat You are my love, my fella." [besides informing your fella of what to wear to prepare for the weather, your descriptions of 'yellow raincoat' and 'trusty umbrella' brings to mind for this reader the image of sailors on a boat, dressed in their rain gear, forging the storm to reach their destination...great image! Come heck or high water, he must get there anyway he can!] Thanks for sharing this with us on the link! I truly enjoyed the uplifting read; felt as if I were the one waiting for her fella to arrive for much anticipated rendevous! Well done, Beck

This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2005-06-29 12:58:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.35821
Hi Mandie, Oh I just love this. Late last night I read it, several times. I was so stressed, it was just one of those days. I wanted to critique it then but alas it relaxed me so that I didn't so this AM, I'll give it a go. There’s a river in the parking lot I thought you’d like to know If you decide to come or not To plan which way to go The rhyming is great, it just sings. Here it isn't just the parking lots it the streets that literally flow like rivers during our monsoon inconvenience yes, but can give way to fanciful thoughts and day dreams. The water’s dancing on the street It’s a spectacle to see I hope the rain will still let us meet It’s that important to me I also love to see the water dancing on the streets, and if different colored lights are being reflected in the droplets and their puddles are quite a spectacle indeed, and so joyful, not to negate the importance of still wanting to meet with that special someone. So don your yellow raincoat And grab your trusty umbrella Come to me if you must by boat You are my love, my fella. Oh this is so visual and I love your wording "don your yellow raincoat" I can just see that yellow thick plastic raincoat, and your discriptions here "grab your trusty umbrella" leaves a picture of one in a rush grabbing the umbrella and on run out the door with their ever trusty umbrella. Now, this is simply lines that make me feel like a giddy school girl, to come by boat if one must---you just don't care what happens as long as you two can meet, and your possessiveness yet showing your loyalty with "my fella". Thank you for such a delightful read..... Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2005-06-28 07:35:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.97297
Hi Mandie, The onset of the monsoons here in India have brought with them, a much awaited reprieve after a sweltering heat wave that never seemed to end. The monsoons refer to the rainy season here in south asia and have come to symbolise the blessings of the rain God. In my country India, the monsoons take on added significance as they play maker or breaker of harvest yields - agriculture is the largest sector in our economy. Anything, therefore, related to rain is most welcome and your poem 'Playful rain' is a thrill to have at the top of my critiqu list this rainy evening in Calcutta. To begin with, I must comment on the setting. I'm going to pick up on the parking lot and the rain itself. You have brought Nature and the 'urban' world together and have coated both with an element of love. The mention of 'parking lot' is therefore a very silent but critical component in giving this piece a very urban feel. The 'fast life' of the city is very much in attendance. The theme is love rather than rain and anyone who sees rain as the all-in-all here, would be mistaken. The rain provides the aura and enhances the romanticism of the piece, even as the poet anticipates the arrival of her love 'my fella'. Rain has often been the stage for lovers to bloom and display their affections. Remember the scene from Sound Of Music when the young couple dance in the rain singing 'I am 16 going on 17' :-) Rain carries a mush, a sentimentality and sense of nostalgia that accomodate the feelings of lovers very naturally. I liked the way you give us a picture in our minds ---floods in the parking lot, rain dancing in the streets even as the raindrops hit and bounce off the ground. For certain, the feelings of love are intense and the sense of impatience in the poet are very evident. 'I hope the rain will still let us meet, It’s that important to me/ Come to me if you must by boat,You are my love, my fella----- he would have to make it even if it demanded taking a boat. It must have been raining real heavily -----'So don your yellow raincoat, And grab your trusty umbrella'. The style is rhyme - which gives this piece a musical cadence (like the pitter-patter of raindrops perhaps). I wouldn't say that the rhyme seems forced but a little more application of slant rhyme like in verse 2, would add a nice finishing touch. Also, you might want to look a little closer at the meter of the piece as it is not uniform throughout. I have broken up the syllable count below: Ex- L1=line 1. Verse 1 - L1: 9 syllables/L2: 6 syllables/ L3: 8 syllables/ L4: 6 syllables Verse 2 - L1: 8 syllables/L2: 7 syllables/ L3: 9 syllables/ L4: 7 syllables Verse 3 - L1: 7 syllables/L2: 8 syllables/ L3: 8 syllables/ L4: 7 syllables The analysis above will give you a fair idea on where the meter is going wrong. A good tip would be to follow through the remiander of the piece with the syllable count you have set in verse 1 allowing for a little straying. To help this flow better I would recommend the following: verse 2- line 2- remove 'it's'...that does away with one syllable. verse 2- line 3- remove 'still'...another syllable gone bringing it to 8 verse 2- line 4- replace that important with 'critical' get 6 syllables You could now begin to adjust the syllable count in verse 3 :-) The poem is aptly titled 'Playful rain' as the excitement and the anticipation in the piece is very strong. I also get the feeling that this is test for the lover. Will he make through the rain? Let us know. Thanks again for this opportunity. As always it was a pleasure to offer this review. Keep writing!! Take care, Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-06-27 18:27:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.71875
Love the tone to this one poet.....and fun indeed we are having reading and being able to see the images you sent forth with your pen......nothing like a river in the parking lot to try and get across....must have been a ........enjoyed the meeting of you two in yellow raincoats with umbrella in hand, perhaps a boat to your rescue if you would like my princess.........all in good fun, goo9d structure, word flow, and again, this one would make for a good book for children, playing in the rain........thanks for posting and sharing, the month is not over yet...........God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2005-06-27 18:14:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.76923
Mandie, Fun! cute fun poem. Is your meter off? When rhyming the meters important...I think? I think it would be great if a teacher of poetry would counsel us. Still I think poetrys point is getting one's thought understood and this fits the bill. I like doing what I can you! Hope meeting with your paramore wasn't all wet. Cute poem, good verbage. I like dancing water. Think sunshine. Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2005-06-27 17:23:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mandie: I have critted so little, I'm not sure I recall where to start and all the ramifications of missing the mark. Your title pulls and attracts the reader. At some point in their lives, most people have played in the rain. Here you present us a rain that plays with us. Your end rhymes are perfect with some variations in the meter. Because of the latter, your poem sounds super when heard or when you read aloud. This lyrical treat has my fingers twitching to make a couple of minor suggestions...I usually do not bother but "P.R." can be a winner. 1st line: "A river rolls in the parking lot". This metaphor is a good one but weakened by the initial "There's", IMO. Placing river first puts more emphasis on the theme/topic. Stanza 2: "The water's dancing (in) the street." Another good metaphor. You open with the hyperbolic river and now the collecting water begins to dance! Original, reaches out to my senses and I want the playful rain to come my way. S 2, Line 4: I would delete "still" as it's not needed and the meter is improved without the word. This depiction of a couple making plans for the evening, taking into account the heavy rain, is true-to-life. It also shows the woman's caring enough for her lover to warn him about the need for a canoe and paddles! Then she describes the rain dance and speaks openly and honestly of her feelings. I hope it will ease up, she says, because our planned meeting is "that important" to her. She is thereby engaging and sympathetic as your protagonist because of her traits, deftly delineated by you. The ultimate stanza is a great picture of him in his yellow slicker and umbrella in hand. Then she tells him to come by boat if he must because he is her love, her fella. Enough said. Mandie, this is quite charming and appealing and I enormously enjoyed the read. If my tiny suggestions help, that's great. If not, trash them, as we are all in the same game: learning and loving poetry. So pleased at reading your poem which has winner's potential. Best wishes, Mell Morris
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