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This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-07-25 13:23:44 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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The Dark Side

Night screams Broken dreams Voice without sounds Fear abounds Visions of light Mindless flight Endless thought Daydreams for naught Halls without doors Seas without shores Cunning demon departs Imprisoned daylight starts

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2005-08-03 07:41:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.86111
The Dark Side indeed! You have done much to evoke the demons of the night in this Alice falling down the rabbit hole gone gothic. Powerful, with good cadence and rhyme. the personification of daylight and the hope of that prisoner's release is an excellent hopeful ending to the piece. Night screams Broken dreams Voice without sounds Fear abounds Visions of light Mindless flight Endless thought Daydreams for naught Halls without doors Seas without shores Cunning demon departs Imprisoned daylight starts

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joyce P. Hale On Date: 2005-08-02 09:56:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.53488
I like this, Marilyn!! It gives an impression of nightmarish imprisonment on the other side of what might be considered a sane mind. I would have liked to see the last two lines with more the cadence and count of the first ten, but for the life of me I cannot say what you are saying with less syllables! Joyce

This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-08-02 08:10:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.86667
Wow. I hope your dark side has passed by now. Short, clipped poem about some of the realities people face on a daily basis most of whom do not admit to. Thankfully I've never had these thoughts (not even during my drug hazed days). Luckily there is treatment available. But I'm wondering about PPD or TSS. Again therapy and meds can work wonders. These feelings mentioned here are real to the person experiencing them. Thanks for this. Definitely a good title too.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2005-07-27 10:51:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.91304
Marilyn–Terse penning for presentation of foreboding nightmare(s). Personally, I’ve always been fortunate enough to awake before “monster(s)” finish me off. Judging from this concise soliloquy the end of night and/or daybreak provide respite for someone from an unnamed plight. Moreover, oxymoron(s) suggest soliloquist relives some unspeakable/traumatic experience(s) during nocturnal sojourn. Poetics of unforced rhyming bullets enhanced by purposely placed line breaks which produce staccato effect and a quick read of the un-punctuated ditty. Title is also perfect, albeit, dead give-away for theme and tone of piece. Sorry if I missed your intended purpose(s). TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2005-07-26 01:51:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.95652
Hi Marilyn, You have given your readers a very realistic and appealing sense of the horrors of a night such as this. I'm sure there isn't a single person on the face of this earth who hasn't experienced the 'dark side' one way or another and the experience you refer to is as spooky as it gets! The stage is perfectly set with a howling night, shattered dreams, voice without sounds (indication of supression or overwhelming silence), fear, vast expanses of nothing (endless thought, halls without doors, seas without shores), the presence of a demon, etc. I liked the rhyme in this one. The meter works wonders with giving this piece a kind of thumping beat that tends to spur the poem towards a climax....like a racing heart pulse...good job in this area. You could choose a stronger adjective for the demon though..cunning tends to dilute the intensity. If you replace 'broken dreams' with 'shattered dreams' you would get a nice alliterative sound between screams and shattered and shattered is also more dramatic. YOu could also try 'splattered' if 'shattered' seems too cliche. Keep writing, Marilyn. Looking forward to reading more :-) Take care, Duane.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-07-25 19:49:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.71875
Poet......this is more out of the twilight zone...........so different for you and so well done. Good structure, word flow, rhyme is right on, the intense emotional coaster that it is on just keeps going..... kinda reminds me of two weeks ago when I fell and the doctor prescribed pain medication.......well let me tell you the dark side took over quite rapidly and my night became a living hell......even poor hubby was woken by the screams of certain things chasing me and him....though he did not see them or know they were there......the mind is a delicate thing, we must take it easy when dealing with certain aspects of it.... I pray you are well and that this was not a personal situation you found yourself in my friend.......thank you for posting, sharing with us and I look forward to your responce.....God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Paul R Lindenmeyer On Date: 2005-07-25 19:26:58
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.90000
Marilyn, dark indeed. Rhyme scheme and short line construction move the reader down the rabbit hole, tickling the hope side with "Visions of light" then crushing it with "for naughts", "without doors" and "without shores", finishing the vignette with "imprisoned" future.. The ending stikes me as interesting, in that while the daylight begins and the demon leaves, the verbiage of "Imprisoned" leaves a negative conotation imprint on daylight, as if it is not looked forward too, almost not of importance. My take of darkness verifying the desire for more darkness...Thanks for the post...Peace, Paul

This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2005-07-25 18:59:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.55556
Marilyn, The Dark Side {Very appropriate title} Night screams Broken dreams Voice without sounds Fear abounds {such things that can come from the Visions of light {subconscious when under stress} Mindless flight Endless thought Daydreams for naught {such frustration often bears out at night Halls without doors Seas without shores Cunning demon departs Imprisoned daylight starts {torture, anyway they can, insidious creatures who play with our minds OK Marilyn, I don't know what you had to drink or eat, but I certainly don't want any "smile". On the serious side, this is so urgent in it’s telling, fraught with anxiety and confusion, almost to despair. The assonance is superb, good structure and flow. You have left nothing to the imagination, very apt descriptions, may peace find you and light keep you safe. I will walk those dark moments with you if you need a companion. Thank you for sharing. Lora

This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2005-07-25 16:47:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.72727
Marilyn, Sounds like a bad dream to me! Halls minus doors......water no shore is scary to me. Imprisoned daylight sounds the worst! It's as if your unconscious fears popped into your dream. I think if you make it through the nightmare you could make it through anything. Who knows....sometimes my nightmare fills my day too. Your rhyming was good. Title good, theme bad! [joking] Good job expressing yourself. hugs, Dellena

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