This Poem was Submitted By: Jana Buck Hanks On Date: 2005-08-11 00:59:53 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Through My Dark Crystal
Big city excitement's
twisted memories
retrace caustic slug
slime footsteps to
predisposed fumbling,
down narrow-minded
alleys, blind to chastity-
belt points-of-worldly-view.
Future simple minds
rotted away by faith
choked by poisonous
primrose paths trailing
worthless infested decisions.
Footprints into histories loath
repeated, prisons of judgements
doors to man's inhumanity
to self and to the world.
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Copyright © August 2005 Jana Buck Hanks
This Poem was Critiqued By: Latorial D. Faison On Date: 2005-09-05 11:59:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.95122
Through your dark crystal Jana you have revealed some very real and sad truths in such a poetic manner about the society in which we live each day. I'm glad that I waited to read this poem, because after seeing the pictures painted on tv of the aftermath of our latest natural disaster, this poem is really real and important.
Big city excitement's
twisted memories
retrace caustic slug
(I think of New Orleans when I read these first three lines. It was a big city, and it indeed had some very twisted memories. You probably were not writing about the hurricane, but the words you have penned here are more than suitable for this cause.)
down narrow-minded
alleys, blind to chastity-
belt points-of-worldly-view.
Future simple minds
These last four lines speak of that other world of happenings in New Orleans: the night life of gambling, sex, Mardi Gras and the mere excitement of it all.
rotted away by faith
choked by poisonous
primrose paths trailing
This is a very strong stanza/ rotted by faith and choked by poisonous paths. I like the alliteration and assonance that rings through in these lines. The poetic flow is definitely alive here.
worthless infested decisions. (I think of politicians make decisions that benefit no one else but themselves)
doors to man's inhumanity
to self and to the world.
(and you speak to us all and of us all in these last lines).
This poem is like a self-portrait of our world or a mirror image of man's inhumanity, and you have given it to us from your dark crytal.
This is indeed a very poetic and telling piece that analyses our own hearts and minds as men and women.
Thanks for sharing. Great poem.
Latorial
www.latorialfaison.com
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-08-30 08:48:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.25000
Oh such a dark poem. Yes it is man's inhumanity to himself, to the world as you pointed out.There is so many good lines here especially "rotted away by faith...". So true. Many believe they are righteous
because of their faith, but just look behind the walls of the houses they live in! I could go on
and on, but...Your title is apt. Your layout and words superb...thanks.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2005-08-24 21:13:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Jana, this whole piece speaks of disillusionment, uselessness and decay. We are doomed by what others determine we must be, because we find it hard to live up to someone else's standards. Whatever happened in that big city, it has caused the speaker a tremendous amount of guilt and pain. Memory follows her like that ...
... caustic slug (wow, what an image!)
slime footsteps to
predisposed fumbling, (great line break on "fumbling" which sets us up for the wrong idea ... then shifts)
down narrow-minded
alleys, blind to chastity-
belt points-of-worldly-view. (this is an unforgettable hyphenated sequence!!)
We are condemend by what others do to us and say about us. This is a poem that attacks judgmental attitudes and social restrictions, which in the end are barriers to spiritual growth and freedom. "Man's inhumanity to self" suggests a certain amount of personal guilt that goes with the judgment idea. If we're criticized often enough, we absorb this negativity and start to believe it about ourselves. Nobody who hates himself/herself can possibly view the rest of the world with affection!
Powerful, bitter and almost brutal writing! The caustic slug trail gives me the creeps, which means it's working. The speaker is not hopeful, nor is the reader after having read this to the end.
Memorable work, indeed!
Brenda
www.brendatate.com
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2005-08-22 14:02:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Hi Jana,
This is tough to face real life travails that don't go away.
Ending with man's inhumanity is the 'word'.
Man has proved their inhumanity for centuries long.
Animals should have more favor with God than us!
They have more integrity.
This is good writing on a pretty tough subject matter.
We need all the goodness we can get to turn this around.
hugs to you,
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-08-20 11:55:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Jana:
I am following Mark S's determination to write short crits, thus gathering up
power to vote for favorites. I am with you in this poem, which tells it as
it is. The hypocrisy and "chastity-belt points-of-worldly-view" are well
highlighted. I think that your "prisons of judgements" says it all. Love
this poem! Keep them coming! (This is on my list.)
Best always,
Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2005-08-19 10:03:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Jana,
Nice rap feel to this, the trail, following further back, to Dylan's "Subterrean Homesick Blues." Yes, you took me through it, and darkly too, just like St. Paul said.
I like the description of prisons as judgements. They are, and can be - the other way 'round (judgments as prisons), I mean.
Mark
This Poem was Critiqued By: Audrey R Donegan On Date: 2005-08-13 15:01:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Jana,
There is a lot of great imagery in tis piece:
'caustic slug slime footsteps to predisposes fumbling, down narrow-minded alleys' - wonderfull!
Your closing stanza is extremely strong and powerfull allowing the reader to marinate in the idea a while longer.
Nicely done,
Audrey
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2005-08-11 11:19:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Jana,
Through My Dark Crystal [such an appropriate title]
Big city excitement's
twisted memories
retrace caustic slug
slime footsteps to
predisposed fumbling,
down narrow-minded
alleys, blind to chastity-
belt points-of-worldly-view. [this is sort of reminiscent of college days, how we bungle our way through, believing and expousing someone else's philoshpy and we actually bought in to it at the time. There is a not of sadness tinged with anger for the complacency that seems to permiate the very point of being.]
Future simple minds
rotted away by faith
choked by poisonous
primrose paths trailing
worthless infested decisions. [definitely sad to see how old notions, customs dilude people and lull them into a sleep that makes them appear simple minded, then as if a moth to flame they turn to faith, not out of spirituality but out of dispair and laziness.]
Footprints into histories loath
repeated, prisons of judgements
doors to man's inhumanity
to self and to the world. [and it goes on and one and on, thoughts held in check not daring to be original or to break out of their mold, ouch- a true reflection of mankind and how he often deals with life]
Well crafted write, good structure and conveyance of your observations and conclusions to that which you find yourself surrounded.....the stagnation and empathy of society and it's "civilized people therom" speaks volumns. Thank you for this post and reminder. Excellant job, goes on my list.
Lora
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