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This Poem was Submitted By: Audrey R Donegan On Date: 2005-08-13 14:45:36 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Flashbacks

My heart beats on, My breath ceases not, And I pray God’s mercy brings me joy. I pray for death. Blackest of nights Darkest of fears Reborn, relived. This poem, these words, A revolving door of relentlessness; The gateway to my airtight rattled mind Intricately lined in tapestries Of lemon yellow, gangrene and crimson blood- Packed full of colossal costs, Tailor made failures and the aftermath Of you. A gift, A family heirloom Just for me. Wrapped tight In jasmine scented white innocence Cattle branded and plagued by the devil’s command. I am the winter inescapable! In the midst of this summer’s valiant flight The days grow colder, More callus and shallow now And my genius fades quicker now. My eyes rarely meet the natural light As I ramble on and out Tongue-tied and twisted Mumbling to breadcrumbs of my fleeting sanity In the still of the night. My heart beats on, My breath ceases not And I pray for God’s mercy To bring swift The joy of death. -don't worry fellow poets, no intention of killing myself :)

This Poem was Critiqued By: Gerard A Geiger On Date: 2005-08-31 09:45:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.90909
Dear Audrey; Another fine work dealing with the guilt shame and broken innocence of youth as a result of child sex abuse. Startling sad and Oh so real, with the shining beacon of intelligence penetrating through the haze of shock and hurt...associated with the self loathing and despair brought on by this form chidhood torture. Sad but a wonderful work nontheless. Please continue exploring your talent Audrey..you have a wonderful gift. Your friend, Gerard

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-08-24 20:33:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.78261
Audrey: Few reading this will understand the veracity of your words. I think your final line would be more effective in the additional notes, but I see that you don't want to alarm readers. That you have survived these circumstances and write as you do is a testament of hope in itself. I think that this stanza is particularly affecting and adds much to the literature of survivorship: I am the winter inescapable! In the midst of this summer’s valiant flight The days grow colder, More callus and shallow now And my genius fades quicker now. My eyes rarely meet the natural light As I ramble on and out Tongue-tied and twisted Mumbling to breadcrumbs of my fleeting sanity In the still of the night. I recognize your talent and that what you have written here is searingly accurate and frightening. You write viscerally, and survivors will recognize their strength when they read your words. My best to you, Joanne

This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2005-08-23 23:21:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.81818
Audrey, Your style caught me off guard, somewhat unusual a style for me however it does work. I can not explain it but I came away with images of an old woman in worn torn coat (bag lady) feeding pigeons in central park and wondering how she had come to that...Shoot I've never been to New Yorks Central Park. At any rate, I enjoyed your poem and the verbiage...thanks for a great read. Lora

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2005-08-23 14:29:38
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Audrey, Sometimes, when I read poems, I flinch. This one's a flincher. But my normal posture comes back, and . . . A line I like a lot: "Cattle branded and plagued by the devil’s command." I think I saw some of those cattle in my own field yesterday. Had some nice bright spots (like the line above) that could not avoid my eye, even with the flinching. Mark

This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-08-16 17:32:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60000
Even though you said "don't worry" well it certainly does not speak the truth. As a retired Psychiatric Nurse, I can't tell you how many times I've heard that phrase which only led to the inevitable. I hear your pain, loud and clear, and I commend you for using this forum as a sounding board...perhaps in a way your therapist. Yes? I knew right away from your title what this piece would be about and you said it tersley and succinctly...."of lemon yellow, crimson, etc." Phew. Get thee to a therapist. That's all I've got to say in this very revealing poem that states so much misery, and anger. I don't know whether or not to thank you for publishing this piece, but I guess I already have. Good luck to you.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-08-16 05:03:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.78947
Good morning poet, what a way to begin my day.....did not need a cup of coffee to get the eyes opened after reading the beginning of this poem. I believed from the beginning this poor soul is in trouble and was glad to find your post script. Very well written and the words chosen makes it so believable. 'my heart beats on, my breath ceases not..I pray for death...blackest of nights, darkest of fears...most chilling lines indeed....this makes my hair stand up straight. over and over again you put forth so many emotions with your words. the entire read is superb and I would not suggest any changes. A winner for certain. Thank you for posting and sharing with us. God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-08-15 14:50:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Audrey, Wow...you could have fooled me! Until I read your post script I was just stricken by this piece. It is so well written and concieved that I would have never believed that it wasn't a true death wish...I think that is a sign of a good writer! Some of your word choices are amazing and I will try to capture them...'my heart beats on, my breath ceases not..I pray for death...blackest of nights, darkest of fears...chilling... line in tapestries of lemon yellow, gangrene and crimson blood...these words give me goose bumps...tailor made failures and the aftermath of you...here I get the sense that these emotions are due to a failed love, either marriage or lover...which is the only hint to the death wish that abounds throughout..jasmine scented innocence...I love this line...lovely...the days grow colder, more callus and shallow now...mumbling to bread crumbs of my fleeting sanity in the still of the night...pray for God's mercy to bring swift the joy of death'...This is a wondeful piece of writing in every way...it is intriguing, mysterious, and a compelling read....well done! It will place high on the list this month. Blessings...Marilyn

This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2005-08-14 12:24:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Audrey, There is a Gothic under-current in this one but there is also a contrasting element of spirituality and positivty that reflects this piece in a shimmer of light. The element of acstacy to be drawn from death is very evident here - And I pray God’s mercy brings me joy (in death). More than death, the antagonist in this one is 'Life'--- the days grow colder, blackest of nights, mumbling to breadcrumbs, etc. The longing to escape into the realm where all is peaceful is best reflected in verses 1 and 5. They sandwich the torment of verses 2,3 and 4. Blackest of nights Darkest of fears Reborn, relived. This poem, these words, A revolving door of relentlessness;----well stated, restlessness depicted as being cyclic The gateway to my airtight rattled mind ---- nice imagery Intricately lined in tapestries Of lemon yellow, gangrene and crimson blood----- good use of color to enhance the imagery (gangrene, yellow, crimson) Packed full of colossal costs,----nice alliteration here Tailor made failures and the aftermath Of you.---these last three lines clue the reader in as to where the poets thoughts are spawning from I am the winter inescapable!---winter evokes images of dreariness, vacancy In the midst of this summer’s valiant flight The days grow colder, More callus and shallow now And my genius fades quicker now---genius..a probable allusion to the 'spark' of one's existence My eyes rarely meet the natural light ----trapped within the darkness of suffering As I ramble on and out Tongue-tied and twisted Mumbling to breadcrumbs of my fleeting sanity ---sanity reduced to bread crumbs...nice use In the still of the night. Another deep and evocative poem. Well done again!! The poem flowed comfortably and the title 'flashbacks' suggests that these are snippets from a period gone by...not necessarily the one at hand. Take care, Duane.

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