This Poem was Submitted By: charles r pitts On Date: 2005-09-18 22:24:51 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
Click Here To add this poem to your "Voting Possibilities" list!
why? Alas, it seems ‘twas not to be
That I with her and she with me
Braving morrows side-by-side
As one, across the great divide
Hand-in-hand let come what may
Our love would hold the beasts at bay
To never hunger-nor be poor
Our riches made of something more
Than gold or jewels, cash or land
That feeling when you take my hand
And bring it softly to your cheek
When neither of us has to speak
Of something we both know and feel
All around us -our love is real
But over time did things grow strange
Transformed did love and life then change
Despite my efforts to be strong
Preventing being strung along
With time my wall began to crack
now at the point no turning back
And things once sweet turn harsh and sour
a rift that's growing by the hour
But sadly I’m in far too deep
And nagging doubts begin to creep
My best is never good enough
We can’t get past the little stuff
And though I feel us fade away
Only find wrong words to say
Want to show how much you mean
Pride and passion torn between
Til one day lives don’t touch at all
Painful pictures on the wall
Memories that linger on
Cursing darkness, cursing dawn
|
|
Copyright © September 2005 charles r pitts
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-10-04 13:41:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.70270
In answer to your question = "because". You write and paint a very poignant piece about love gone
awry. Unrequited love is the worst isn't it? My suggestion, take the pictures off the wall, re-arrange everything, and soon you will not be "cursing darkness and dawn" anymore. Take a bubble bath.
Be well and healthy.
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-09-24 10:56:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Charlie,
There is not much worse than a failed relationship at the time. It could be because things just didn't work out and seperates them, or death or divorce...all these events cause us to grieve which is not a pleasant place to be. You have written your heart out in this piece and I hope it has a cathartic effect for you as writing did for me when my husband passed away...'with time my wall began to crack, now at the point no turning back...and things once sweet turn harsh and sour, a rift thats growing by the hour'...such doleful words that tell this reader that sometimes even the deepest love does not always last. I love the first part of this piece where you describe so beautifully the way your love was..but then the mood changes as love begins to fade and how painful that is....'my best is never good enough, we can't get past the little stuff'...what an accurate statement...often it is the little stuff that gets in the way. I don't know if you are married or just in a relationship but I do know you are suffering and my heart goes out to you.
Well written poem with excellent rhyming throughout.
My best to you....Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2005-09-22 19:24:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88235
Charles,
I think this is very good.
Love your intro......
Alas, it seems ‘twas not to be
That I with her and she with me
But.....I'ts difficult to read whith no stanzas.
And though I feel us fade away
Only find wrong words to say [could be longer/it's a 6 beat so it stops the flow]
[2 more syllables would help]
Your rhymings good and feels natural and unforced. I like your rhyming!
You carry the emotions well throughout. Touching on love/and it's breakdown/and it's memory.
So sad and yet so typical.
Picures on the wall is whats left.
Pretty gut wrenching writing.
And then there's no touch at all.
Fvery nice job Charles
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-09-20 20:20:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Charles:
I like, especially, poems of difficult times, spelled out. You do that extremely
well. It is a form of suffering, I am certain, to write a poem such as this, to
see your words make specific the anguishing circumstances circulating throughout
this relationship. It is a point of view that asks the reader to not try to 'fix'
it, but to merely read, observe, allow the poet to speak to one's own heart. I
can't help but want to 'fix it' but I am not going to try. That's not what you're
asking, IMO, as in my own experience I want a witness (or witnesses) to what I
am processing, want others to allow my experience to filter into each's own
consciousness through the beauty of the language. Something beautiful made
of another thing that is painful. I fixed on the these lines as most powerfully
affecting and calling up a host of associations for this reader:
Transformed did love and life then change
Despite my efforts to be strong
Preventing being strung along
With time my wall began to crack --images of Humpty-Dumpty elicited by this line
now at the point no turning back
And things once sweet turn harsh and sour -- the sounds here and below, so poignant
a rift that's growing by the hour
But sadly I’m in far too deep
And nagging doubts begin to creep
My best is never good enough -- almost a familiar phrase from a quarrel
We can’t get past the little stuff --yes, it is the little stuff that's always biggest
And though I feel us fade away
Only find wrong words to say
Want to show how much you mean
Pride and passion torn between
I think that the above lines clearly show that at least from the speaker's point of
view that the greater anguish comes from ambivalence. To feel wholly one way would
be less searing -- but to swing between hope and despair takes much more out of any
of us. And when do we begin to realize that things have moved into that irrevocable
state as in the first line below?
Til one day lives don’t touch at all
Painful pictures on the wall
Memories that linger on
Cursing darkness, cursing dawn
The final four lines seem to hover in an unknown future. The final line displays
the speaker's pendulum swinging from darkness to light and the return trip is
almost guaranteed. We never tire of the dramas, plays and poems that depict
our sense of being 'caught' in something that some call Fate and others
name as our self-made destiny. Which is it? "The Lady or the Tiger"? Either
way, perhaps unlike animals, we are blessed/cursed with vivid memories which
we can extend into a potentially unrelenting future.
I haven't really critiqued this poem in the sense of offering suggestions,
but merely given you my response to it. I've enjoyed reading it, despite
its depiction of suffering, or maybe mostly because of its emotional impact.
If we name it, paint it, sing it, write it, perhaps we will have achieved
at least a measure of peace.
Thank you for offering this poem for comment.
My best always,
Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Terry A On Date: 2005-09-18 22:51:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
You have captured the spirit of divorce, from dawn to dusk. Well-done; but not poetically
beautiful; except for the last line--Cursing darkness, cursing dawn. Metaphorically far more
encompassing and effective; then the a-b-c sound of the rest. Be assured I do not denigrate
the effort; and I appreciate that sadness rather then anger permeates the poem; something
a divorce lawyer recently told me, is the case now, more then ever before.
Terry
Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link
Click HERE to
return to ThePoeticLink.com Database Page!