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This Poem was Submitted By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-10-29 17:58:39 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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haiku (first light)

In chill overcast, I walk ahead of first light under silent trees. Ducks roost on branches: I call up their good mornings, few of them reply. When their v-streamed wings stretch above the cobalt lake, I smell feather dust. They greet the new day though there’s no sunrise to see, only shades of gray.

Additional Notes:
With thanks to Lora S.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2005-11-07 23:20:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.97059
Joanne–This Japanese Verse is quite a bit different than your other compilations/connecting haiku/senryu. Strophes #1 and #2 could easily hold their own independently or connected. However, strophes #3 and #4 would not enjoy the same fate (they need strophe #2 badly-smile). Fortunately for us, scribe’s walk before dawn is done deliberately and brilliantly in the manner chosen. IMHO, the totality of these strophes create an excellent narrated sequenced nexus: this “story” has a very distinct/melding of beginning, middle and end (an awful lot to ask of 68 syllables). A few of my favorites metaphoric/fresh phrases are; “...I walk ahead of first light...” “I call up their good mornings...” “...I smell feather dust.” WOW! The vivid imagery “first light” conjure up is awesome! Thanks for these ‘tasty’ pictures. TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: Terry A On Date: 2005-11-07 22:04:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Joanne, The haiku must have fresh, new and original material. Because the form is so minimal, every image should deliver, in a surprising, evocative or interesting way. I like the way you placed these haiku's together, as I have long felt that haiku doesn't stand well on its own anymore, rarely offering enough to cause pause. And you very well captured the dreariness of the walk. 'Smelling feather dust' doesn't work for me, would in the confines of a bird enclosure, just can't see how otherwise. And you haven't made a case for imagination. You say, 'few of them reply', then, 'they greet the new day'; I realize you mean by their flight, but then the haiku's are not working together; as I think you intended. The title seems a misnomer, because there is little light in the poems. You have written some good poetry, I'll watch for it; but these haiku need more to make them memorable. Now, with that, please feel free to offer any and all suggestions to me for improvement on my poetry. Terry

This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-11-05 11:50:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.71875
Can this be called a haiku quatrain? I have never seen ducks roosting on branches but maybe in your area? It was interesting to read and I wonder why haiku's never make it to the top of a critiquing list! Musta been a sad day when you wrote this one.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2005-11-05 04:28:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60000
Hi Jo The 5/7/5 haiku format works very nicely here used across four stanzas. There's an energy to the rhythm that keeps moving steadily forward though the images, roughly at about the speed of real-time human experience. I felt myself throughout wanting to stick my head through the window of the poem and get a better look at the landscape... ...but I got an eye-ful of feather dust, and banged my head on the window sash. Apart from that ... ... I loved it. Mark.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Troy D Skroch On Date: 2005-11-01 20:54:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Joanne, Without getting wordy, everything works for me. I really dig these lines, "I walk ahead of first light..." and "I call up their good mornings." All good, but those for me are the best =) T

This Poem was Critiqued By: Paul R Lindenmeyer On Date: 2005-10-31 18:53:54
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Joanne, "shades of grey." are more light than dark, and this quad haiku sets a tone with classic pace, and a subtle end rhyme. The observer walking "ahead of first light" sets the stage for what both observer and ducks know is to come. Multiple levels of thought here. Knowledge that the grey announces the inevitable rising of the sun..The economy of sunlight taken advantage of by the birds, for there is only so much in a day, so no time to waste, along inclusion of the sense of smell with "feather dust" helps draw the reader into your created pre-dawn vignette. I enjoyed the stroll and can commiserate with the early morning greetings both from and to God's sunrise. As usual, a poetic treat..Peace, Paul

This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2005-10-30 21:39:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.97561
Joanne, I'm blushing, I really did nothing however you honor me. I do feel an afinity for this poem. It's well structured, accurate count smooth flowing invades my mind with this wondrous time of day. It is such a special time when the world is asleep and only nature and her creatures begin to stir. This is the time when one can collect their thoughts and do the wondering that they might want, a time when one feels as if they are part of the mist, protected, serene, one. Thanks for reposting, I'm so glad you did, this is perfect in every way. Warmest, Lora

This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2005-10-30 10:54:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.92857
Joanne, let me begin with the obligatory “you know you aren’t supposed to name a Haiku”- and then let us both ignore that, and get on down to business… I looked first to the title, chose to actually, to catch my feelings- knowing the basic tenets of an haiku, I thought long on the creation of the universe, of the “dawn” of mankind, of the irascible nature of the transformation of matter to energy that yields light, and I was pleased, then I read your piece. In chill overcast, I walk ahead of first light under silent trees. – I think, of all my days, there is something magical in this scene; the dew and humidity clinging to the chilled leaves, the silence unbroken but by my breathing- and the trees watching each step, as if they are protectorates of the civility of nature. Yes, it is a well scripted stanza. Ducks roost on branches: - Odd, I have never seen this, only ducks roosting on the ground. A nuance that made me smile. I wonder what sort of ducks. I call up their good mornings, few of them reply. – A sweetness here, and I am glad I am not the only one who speaks to ducks; those who know I do, chide me, but ducks, pigeons, and any other I can mimic, it feels right to hear your enjoining with the matters of life. When their v-streamed wings – Excellent descriptive. As a young boy, and to this day, I marvel at the bird in flight, at formations, and often wonder what they think of while in flight. Having come to know the personality of some of the birds I have watched, at time I think their thoughts are much as mine would be, could I fly. stretch above the cobalt lake, - That “cobalt” such a powerful, colorful descriptive word. It manages to empowers the scene like few words could. I smell feather dust. – I am not sure what such would smell like. I probably have inhaled it and never known. This line certainly adds a new character to the entire piece- scent, how powerful and inviting. They greet the new day though there’s no sunrise to see, only shades of gray. – First off, a short humorous implication of the last line- long ago I watched the movie Soul Man- and one of the big lines in the movie was a woman making time with a pseudo-black man, and her line was “I don’t see things in black and white, rather I see only shades of gray”. Nuff said- your verse deserves better, but it made me smile. I like the though of creation/those of creation greeting the new day. I like that your “last” stanza began with the “new day”. It is apropos. Another evolution of that theme is the “day” arrives, but the moniker of day; the “sunrise” is not visible. That is a very durable translation of life; when life takes itself as the creation. An you leave us with the ultimate “gradation” that in the steps, each adds and subtracts from the whole, all is a moment of grey. One must find the light, the “first light” in the beauty as she proposes, for she is not to be forced; beauty lies where beauty is. A fine connected Haiku Joanne, and a fine way to begin my morning.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2005-10-29 21:54:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Joanne, What a pleasure to read this haiku sequence. It has the nature imagery one would expect but also incorporates something of the speaker's own spiritual approach to her surroundings. In chill overcast, I walk ahead of first light under silent trees. "Ahead of first light" suggests anticipation, possibly even a metaphor that applies to our search for something to illuminate our various shadows. There is no sound; the speaker has no way of knowing what's ahead. Sometimes we have to walk alone and see what comes. Ducks roost on branches: I call up their good mornings, few of them reply. Ah, still more silence. "Few of them reply", indeed. We ask, but sometimes don't get the hoped-for response. They're above us, detached from our concerns, and therefore have little vested interest in acknowledging our presence. Still, there ARE some who will do so. The word is "few" but not "none". I think of how prayer can seem to be ineffective at times, as if God has temporarily removed Himself beyond our reach ... like those ducks, generally unmotivated to reply. But possibly that's in itself a form of reaction. We have to focus on something we can actually relate to, influence or control. We can't always be asking for attention. We also must content ourselves with the occasional boon, the infrequent evidence that communion with the alien and mysterious is possible. It's like lifting the proverbial veil for a few seconds' view of what's beyond it. We can't expect this to happen every day. When their v-streamed wings stretch above the cobalt lake, I smell feather dust. Love "v-streamed wings" and "feather dust". It's as if their departure is a message ... they want you to know where you stand. The dust is what remains but it also reminds us of enchantment, something conferred by beings that we can never become, but can still admire (and even envy). Mentally, we try to follow their lead and imagine what they feel, how they view the universe. We're not totally unlike them, though. Dust is what we all are fated to become, birds and humans alike. And feathers are common to both ducks and angels. They greet the new day though there’s no sunrise to see, only shades of gray. Here's the ultimate in optimism -- saluting dawn when it hasn't even happened yet. They are as certain of sunrise as we should be of our own awakening. Here's the reason we retain our belief in light and hope: because we've always known them, have always emerged from dark into sunrise. This is the way everything works, whether on a physical, temporal or spiritual level. It's worth noting that the ducks do greet the day itself, even if they ignore the speaker. Maybe, to them, the impending Light is more important than interruptions along the way. It matters to them, because it is the shape of time and seasons that dictates how they must live. A human voice lacks the capacity to change anything. So does God - any more than a flock of ducks - give much heed to individuals? Is He moved to permit a few go-betweens, like those odd ducks that do reply to the call ... just so we don't abandon the effort entirely? And does it make much difference, as long as we're still offered the enlightenment that transforms us from flesh to energy, shadow to brightness? This is poem about the natural world, and the speaker's simple act of walking into the coming dawn. It can be taken at face value, without braoder implications. But I look for these because you normally include them, somehow. I think they are here, too. To Light! Brenda

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