This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-11-26 13:56:49 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Shadow Beyond Solitude I saved this day for missing you
Like the sobbing of enchanted birds
That come but once a year.
I’ll ponder our days in blazing sun
And cast away fears of craven pain.
I've climbed my way over mountains high
And scorned the pelts of driving rain.
I've strolled through shades of years alone
While every day was a masquerade, and
Strong was the silence that bellowed.
Now wind blows in the ode of night
And haunted dreams begin to fade.
I find delight in a sapphire sky
As the brazen light spins renewed.
Gone is the dusty dark of a dim lagoon
As I languish in deep of greenest
Vales. When heather blooms in a crescent
Moon I’ll wait until the seas be-calm
Then cast my shadow beyond solitude. |
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Copyright © November 2005 marilyn terwilleger
Additional Notes:
Recently I posted a sonnet that died an un-timely death! I hid it and using the same theme wrote this poem.
I'm not certain that my muse is alive and well in this offering either!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-11-29 16:03:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.94737
Marilyn:
I felt this poem, very deeply. I am torn between making
suggestions, as you have let us know that this is a work
in progress, and simply responding to your poem as it
speaks to me. First, let me say that your anguish comes
through strongly as does your determination to live
life fully now, without the hindrance of extreme grief.
You show clearly how you still honor the one to whom
these words are addressed, still love him, and will
remember him always. The first line’s ‘saved day’
for missing him is very poignant, but it also introduces
the idea that now your missing him will not occupy all
of your thoughts during waking hours. When you write
“I've climbed my way over mountains high” you give
a clear and accurate portrait of the effort required to
live daily life in the face of grief. Ordinary day-to-day
activities take this much effort.
“And scorned the pelts of driving rain” shows how
little impact external things can have when your
inner life is stronger, because so focused and
concentrated on the person whom you miss. I feel
as though I have written these same words to you –
and I wasn’t able to locate the earlier poem upon
which this one is based. But I might have said very
much the same thing about the theme and content.
“I've strolled through shades of years alone” – here I am
reminded of the first poem I memorized, WE Henley’s “Invictus”,
IMO, in meter and intent, i.e. “My head is bloody, but unbowed.”
While every day was a masquerade, and
Strong was the silence that bellowed.
Silence can be the loudest of sounds when you are listening for
the footsteps or voice of the someone you love who has died.
My favorite lines are these:
“I find delight in a sapphire sky
As the brazen light spins renewed.”
The sun which has just kept on rising up every morning, brazenly,
as it nothing has happened, now lights a “sapphire sky” for the
speaker who begins to see colors again. How simply and elegantly
you bring this idea across.
Only as a suggestion: If at some future time you do decide to revise,
I always like to see what a poem will look like with articles ‘a’ and
‘the’ removed where possible. Maybe the ‘a’ in L1 below, likewise
in L3. Tiny little nits, but only ones of preference. The body of the
poem and your language is evocative and very meaningful to me
personally as a someone who has spent much time in grief. It is
melancholy but hopeful, and very truthful. In this I think you
cannot go wrong. The honesty of someone who has ‘been there’
and who listens to her inner voice is very compelling.
Wonderful!
With love,
Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2005-11-29 10:40:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.35417
Yo Mazza
"Recently I posted a sonnet that died an un-timely death! I hid it and using the same theme wrote this poem. I'm not certain that my muse is alive and well in this offering either!"
Funny you should say that. From the first stanza it struck me: "'Ello, 'ello, 'ello ... someone's recast their sonnet in a different structure."
For me, this works much more betterer. Perhaps it says something about theme and form, that not all themes are suited to the sonnet form. Well, it's not just the theme, is it? It's the way one tries to deliver the theme. Again, repeating myself I know, I think this structure is a far better fit that the original.
And because this form is not as "demanding" as 14 lines of iambic hectablahblah, the "freedom" seems to have encouraged images from you that did not exist in the original sonnet, e.g. "Now wind blows in the ode of night" ... "the ode of night" ... nice. And where the lack of strict rhythm in a sonnet is a flaw, here it is an asset, because it enables you to go with your own flow more naturally.
But then (here I go again: pick, pick, pick, pick, pick) "Now wind blows in the ode of night/And haunted dreams begin to fade" is a pair of images that to me don't "flow" together ... they are almost contradictory. The wind blowing in the ode seems to set up a deep moment that "fading dreams" seems to sweep away before it even gets properly started.
But overall, this is much better. And where the sonnet was a straight-out lament, this is the expression of a not-entirely hopeless melancholy. The end note is decidedly upbeat: "I’ll wait until the seas be-calm/Then cast my shadow beyond solitude."
Cool, baby.
Mark.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2005-11-27 00:13:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.70588
Hi Marilyn,
You have a theme here that can do much to influence the emotional current within a reader even as it stands in this offering. However, there is no doubt that the potential of the piece and the brilliant talent of the artist that wrote it, could take it a lot further.
I often feel the same way with some of my pieces whem I write them. I just let them lie if they don't satisfy me and return to them a lot later with fresh ideas. You may have taken the plunge and posted it which is also a good idea as it might help to know what works in the piece and what doesn't. I submitted a poem - 'the flame', which I knew to be a non-starter before hiding it sfter getting some reader impressions about its charm or lack of it thereof :-)
Like I said, this piece has potential. My suggestion would be to keep returning to it in patches and add or subtract.
A few things you might want to second-look:
1.I've climbed my way over mountains high/And scorned the pelts of driving rain.
2.I've strolled through shades of years alone - give a description of that lonely passage
3.sapphire sky - something a little less common perhaps
I feel the last paragraph was very good as it exuded a sense of darkness, the imagery was grim. Maybe you could re-work the previous stanzas keeping the last one in mind.
You have a very good theme and I look forward to see this re-posted again.
Take care,
Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2005-11-26 18:48:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn,
Your imagery is that which gives artists visions to paint, romantics to wander through fantasy and us women moment to pause, reflect on all that has gone before, a clue as to what is yet to come and yes, how do we cope? Even in it's sadness their is a certain serene quality that whispers, "everyting will be alright". One could almost fold this poem around themself like a fuzzy warm cocoon yet the edginess is there so we do not get too comfortable. This is superb, for me, IMHO, it reads like those long forgotten romantic poets whose names have long since eluded me but I know them for their greatness. Your flow leads your reader gently through your picture parade and no one will leave disappointed upon this read. My favorite lines have to be:
When heather blooms in a crescent
Moon I’ll wait until the seas be-calm
Then cast my shadow beyond solitude
this is pure candy for the celestial essence. Wow, par escellance!
Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2005-11-26 16:27:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.96296
Marilyn, there are so many shades of these feelings it is much akin to the “masquerade” you refer to. To take them and mold them into an intuitive treatise is a powerful undertaking. Well done.
Shadow Beyond Solitude – Title tells the story, before the story is told. Complete and with the phases intact.
In stanza 1 you introduce us to the reflections you have- although you don’t tell us what that day is, you make sure that the day is recognized as “enchanting”, and “blazes” and in the end, the tribute “casts away fears”. We find from beginning to end in this stanza, the image of tribute, but also the image of need.
You then take us in (2) to the travail of such love, of the dealing, and the “driving rain”, of the “shades” that woo you to the “strong silence” that bellows, all in all, a day of truth, and a day of masquerading, that somehow, the relief is redemption.
Marilyn, you sing the odes, of night, and her taunting- yet provision for hiding the tears, of dreams, those known and now memories, and those unfillfilled, truncated prematurely, and you show us “delight”, ah how the truth is brazen, whether in the obvious or the masquerade, truth, and love remain steadfast. The “sapphire” sky- metaphor for heaven, the stone that is warn by Princesses, and the stone known to be in Eden in the beginning, and foretold to be in Heaven- what a precious choice of “sky”!!
Your ode takes us full circle, to the “dusty dark”, and the “dim lagoon”, yet you languish in the “greenest” (lush and vital) vales. Waiting the scent of the “heather” and the calm seas, you yet cast towards the “shadow beyond solitude” there where the sapphire sky grants its promise of redemption.
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-11-26 16:18:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.69231
Well Marilyn. To me anyway, You have not let go of the past in regards to this person you lament on about.
The enchanted birds come but once a year obviously on the date of death. But it's a good thing that the Heather blooms to counter act that and bring solace. Now stop maquerading and get out there!and don't cast a shadow! while you're doing it...
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