This Poem was Submitted By: stephen g skipper On Date: 2005-12-04 18:24:20 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Leave-taking She waits, my fair maid, and as the pre dawn light
Begins to illumine this sepulchral night
Her wildly fluttering gentle heart
Beats with the sound of an internal drum
Icicle breath crystals and glows amber
With the coming of highland sun
Hanging dewdrops refract rising light
Across a faery mound amidst sweeping glen
Fast approaches the time between time
Merging pause, of this and the otherworld
Three times circled gateway
Creaks on ethereal hinges
My shade clings tenuously to this
Hovering betwixt
Bloodied battlefield and
Final resting bower
Before my journey starts
With the Tautha De Danann
Earthly bonds of love
Have to be broken
My lovers whispered kiss
Carried softly on scented breath
Parts body and soul
Eternal youth awaits
Until the next life
My beloved!
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Copyright © December 2005 stephen g skipper
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-12-31 20:43:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.71875
You should continue this story. It needs to be expanded. I like these kind of stories.
HNY.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-12-25 22:44:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Steve:
Title: Leave-taking
This is a poem which IMO deserves to be heard. Reading it aloud, I
stumbled a bit over the pronunciation of ¡§Tautha De Danann¡¨ but
realize that some things are meant to be imagined and not attempted.
<smile> The poem is a romantic¡¦s dream, and I think it helps if one
has knowledge of Celtic legends. I don¡¦t have much of that, but I
appreciated the theme, language, voice, sonics, and imagery of this
piece. I wasn¡¦t clear about what happened at the end, except that the
two lovers will not be parted at death, or ever after.
A lovely reading experience! Here are some minor suggestions
and a couple of queries. Keep or toss the suggestions! <smile>
She waits, my fair maid, and as the (predawn) light
Begins to illumine this sepulchral night „²suggest ¡¥illuminate¡¦
Her wildly fluttering gentle heart
Beats with the sound of an internal drum
Icicle (breathes) crystals and glows amber
With the coming of highland sun
Hanging dewdrops refract rising light
Across a faery mound amidst sweeping glen, <love the Celtic storyteller¡¦s voice
Fast approaches the time between time
Merging pause, of this and the ¡¥otherworld¡¦ „²sets the scene so beautifully
Three times circled gateway <walk widdershins?
Creaks on ethereal hinges
My shade clings tenuously to this
Hovering betwixt „²again, a nice touch, the archaic diction suits this well
Bloodied battlefield and
Final resting bower
Before my journey starts
With the Tautha De Danann „²in your notes, I¡¦d love to learn more about this
Earthly bonds of love
Have to be broken
(My lover¡¦s) whispered kiss
Carried softly on scented breath
Parts body and soul
Eternal youth awaits
Until the next life
My beloved!
I don¡¦t know Steve whether the closing couplet is meant ironically; as you refer
to ¡¥eternal life¡¦ in the strophe above it. The ¡¥next life¡¦ could be the afterlife, or
it could be the concept of reincarnation. I like the mystery of not knowing!
A great read! Many thanks for this.
Best wishes,
Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2005-12-25 22:12:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Hi Stephen,
I am glad to have encountered your poetry again. This one is tearful yet very inspiring. The assurance of love to your sweetheart is beyond measure. As always, you are profound with love and so much inspiration. Thanks for sharing this with us!
Jordan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2005-12-09 14:20:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Stephen,
This is excellently structure and well thought out. The flow offers an easy comfortable read, for me, somewht lyrical as I found myself getting lost in your language and the pictures you've offered. Even as weary as I am at this time, this soothed those darker places the mind often goes too. IMO, you've given us a most deliciously soft romantic poem. It is most difficult to say which line/lines I'm drawn to however your:
Until the next life
My beloved!
keep echoing in my mind. This poem you have offered is for me like an heirloom, something to keep and treasure...I find I'm having difficulty finding the words for the feelings this invoked...so I'll just say kudos my friend, well done.
Warmest always,
Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2005-12-07 14:57:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.75000
This is a beautiful poem of love that has left in body but not soul for it still lives within. You have captured this reader by showing the togetherness even in passing. Well done and enjoyable to read. thank you for sharing.
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