This Poem was Submitted By: Jana Buck Hanks On Date: 2006-01-21 20:50:24 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Crowded Reality wanders
through time
yet
still standing
microscopic flicks
of what IS
covered in
what IS NOT
quick-silver slivers
diseased brain
draining all
humanness from the soul.
Faceless shadow darkness
voicelessly bids
maimed psyche follow
de voided
minds to nowhere
past caring's point
beyond bleakest night's roosted
in yesterday
toward twilight's warped tomorrow's
bloodless
god-forsaken nothingness.
Now all my actions deemed
hell-on-earth
wishing no longer to reside
this doggerel existence
just to please
the flow of those
alive around me
aspirating the litany
"cease to be me"
torque my spirit deeply and swallow I deeply. |
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Copyright © January 2006 Jana Buck Hanks
This Poem was Critiqued By: Terry A On Date: 2006-01-27 17:41:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.85714
Hi Jana,
This is the best writing I've seen portraying clinical depression. The waving lines, lack of
capitalization and punctuation, bring the reader into a world where nothing has anchor, a
'god-forsaken nothingness'. I don't know if you ever saw the show "Ordinary People", your
poem is close to the state the young man described before he attempted suicide; and lent
to my understanding some idea of what process is involved.
The last part of the poem is pivotal, for all of a sudden, you bring in a self-assessing WILL,
the only time an action can take place. It also has a spiritual aspect, almost as though
the person portrayed in the poem, could be ripping themselves OUT of the depression, not by death,
but by change. As though refusing that part in themselves so bound.
'torque my spirit deeply and swallow I deeply', is wonderfully poetic.
Terry
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2006-01-23 18:09:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.75000
Jana,
Sounds like a bad day in the barnyard!
You are right, the barnyard's full of:
maimed psyche follow
de voided
minds to nowhere
past caring's point
beyond bleakest night's roosted
in yesterday
toward twilight's warped tomorrow's
bloodless
god-forsaken nothingness.
Sometimes I think of the ills of this world and feel futility.
Nothing is 'right'. The whole of existance is on a sandy foundation.
People rarely look and see the problem's roots which are the weeds in ur today. Unless
their pulled, everything repeats and nothings resolved.
People's intolerance and inhumanity to another is appalling.
Sometimes I think the whole of people should be eradicated!
I get sick of the mess people are....drugs, sex, lies, theft, murder, and on.
So I'm with you in spirit.
Their minds to nowhere...........
I like your style. I like your each chosen word, and thoughtful placement,
making the poem flow and pull me through in anticipation.
Well done, most enjoyable Jana!
Lets wear those fancy shoes and run away!
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2006-01-23 06:55:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.31579
A poem of a plea always to me is one of the bet types for it shows the inner self and thoughts contained within. Your selection of words captures the this reader and I flow easily within this piece even though the structure is difficult for this reader maybe because of the pattern of things effect me due to surgery some 3-D and jagged presentations make me turn away so I am sure most will find this structure nice. Like your selection of doggeral existence, torque my spirit deeply this is where you might consider ending it for the additional swallow deeply didn't give me anything more to the poem you already had showen your inner self. Just a thought. For your knowledge others to care about someone thoughts and will lend a helping hand. This is one of my favorites for the month. Thanks for sharing Jana another well thought out poem.
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2006-01-22 22:48:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.62500
Jana,
This is more than just an interesting read. It is something that "I" have felt, and came face to face with those feelings in this poem. Interesting structure, that enhances the flow of this piece, while the reader takes in, the depressed state of the writer, and the feeling that no hope exists, for "tomorrow's bloodless god-forsaken nothingness" is what will be for them.
Your last verse is my favorite, and it makes me want to stand up and scream, and say, enough is enough, because no one, no spirit should be put into that state of mind, for any reason. Whether, these feelings are the result of an illness (as in my case), or tired of a certain routine, neither of us is doing ourselves any kind of favor.
"cease to be me", stands out in this poem. I can compare that to an identity crisis, or crossroad where one needs to move forward into a more positive direction. I hope we do, and soon.
Sincerely,
Denimari
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