This Poem was Submitted By: Deborah L Bird On Date: 2006-02-15 06:40:38 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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With a Tear

When the road traveled seems un-ending,  The course too trying and all  Hope nearly abandonded, you stop.  Remembering your direction,  With a tear and a smile,  Your journey remains true...  Altho true understanding is fleeting at best,  We continue to believe.  Whereas without belief our journey reamins everlasting.

Copyright © February 2006 Deborah L Bird

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2006-03-07 09:32:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.28571
As I have told so many a thought is one way of expressing yourself with poetry as you have done here. Yes the road never ending for it shouldn't, remember direction not always posible since each experience has some minor difference, never understanding for then we would be completely lost. You make this reader think deep and that is what writing poetry is all about. Thanks.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2006-03-06 10:06:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Deb, Good to see you around here. There's a great deal to think about in these lines and much truth as well. I agree with the concept wholeheartedly. I would suggest in L-1 endless in the place of un-ending, cutting 'altho' in L-7 to shorten and give clarity and also to cut 'Whereas' in last line. I think this would tighten up your piece and give it more cohesiveness. I did enjoy this one. Best, Jen
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2006-02-25 14:20:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Deb, Hmmm, this seems to parallel my thoughts of late. Sometimes it seems that faith can be such an elusive thing while some of us always keep it though at times it slips to the back of concious. For myself, life would be vacuous without faith, although I must admit that at times I negelect to recognize it until I have to draw on it. I enjoyed your writing and can offer nothing by means of technical aspects, I would leave it as stands. While the line "with a tear and a smile" may be a bit cliche', it is a favorite of mine. Best always, Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Melanie Sue Worley On Date: 2006-02-21 12:49:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Very inspirational! The course too trying and all....I'm not so sure of that line. 'And all' leaves me thinking was there more you wanted to tell? Or possibly 'and all' could have been substitued with another word or phrase such as 'and difficult, or and ill possibly. Or maybe even removed all together and just left with, "The course too trying, becuase that line is very self explanatory. Otherwise, a nice, hopeful poem.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2006-02-19 17:43:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Deb, Hi, I think what you mean by believing you have faith your doing right, where without life's an endless journey to nowhere. It's actually a big joke a lot of times, it seems. Life living is not an easy thing, and nobody comes out alive. Hopefully we learn and grow. Otherwise we lose. You wrote some thoughful words Whereas without belief[hope maybe?] [next line shorter for balance] our journey............. Enjoyable, easy read. Thank, Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2006-02-19 10:17:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Deb, I can fully appreciate the message in your poem. When we stop to reflect on life, we can come up with some pretty amazing sentiments. You have let the reader see, to stay the course in life and be positive is the best, for anyone. Whether life brings tears or joy, it is a journey. The poems seems just a bit off flow to me. I would elminate punctuation and the dots after "Your journey remains true, and I'm sure you've realized yourself, the typo in the last line, with remains. I'm not clear on the last line either,myself, but that's me. "Whereas without belief our journey remains everlasting" as how belief, holds up the idea that our journey would be everlasting without it. Perhaps you can enlighten me, to the idea you are sending with that. It's also very true, that when hope is abandoned, it can literally stop one in their tracks. Sincerely, Denimari
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