This Poem was Submitted By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2006-02-27 10:52:23 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Stay

I can avoid your call, but only for so long: not my flesh but, ah! my spirit, weak with a tenderness that I had more than once declined to give my life’s ambit to. There’s that grain of sand, and there’s that hour, uncanny, mirrored in the form of you:  and you, form of elemental power to make the eons but a second ... two, should my luck hold. Your mirror, steely twig, shook, but held everything I am. We’ve neither eyes enough, nor those eyes big enough for such disseminated flame:    when I’m beyond us both, and flooding us with rain,    then, always, will I pray: you’ll stay my course, again.

Copyright © February 2006 Mark Andrew Hislop

Additional Notes:
Readers of "Daisies" will know who this is for. Inspired, oddly enough, by Brian Ferry's rendition of Billy Waggerdagger's Sonnet 18.


This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2006-03-07 12:56:50
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
You portray well the bittersweet aspect of marriage/love. A confinement always tested by the loss of freedom it engenders versus its offerings of sweetness not always more than transient. And so we sublimate...yours intellectually, spiritually. Something we did not always have to do to hold together home and hearth, for the benefit of children, children who should always represent ultimate priority and so seldom do, anymore. And so we sublimate...yours so more aspiringly than that of others, doing so much more than simply to pray. I hope the lady is remarkable and so much more constant for it. And sees such pleas as unnecessary. But the times do not progress such virtue well. And I should not gauge your experiences against mine. The children, however, are worth sacrifices easy to yield. That should always carry the day...perhaps that should have something to do with what you say. JCH


This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2006-03-07 10:56:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
MAH, Brilliant. Metaphorical exploration bringing the awareness and "truth" only metaphor can bring, and the "moment" of the poem being a profound love, thus making it universal. I still like Lear's Village, but damn this is good. MSS
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2006-03-07 10:11:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.28571
Absolutely I saw this verse written once again for your love. A well formated sonnet keeping the structure and thought complete. I enjoyed this more than daises for your ending here shows how you want everlasting love. Well done and another great post for the month. Thanks.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2006-03-05 19:44:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mark, Lovely..... You romantic fellow! Loved the eye storyline. Stay the course both the same... Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2006-03-05 16:44:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Mark, you provide a deluge of passion here, with enough substance to your analogies to hold the watching eye. The modern Sonnet style, or shall I say, the modern Sonnet spirit, which far exceeds the requirements of style, catches us and holds us. I heard it, and read it several times, “Ah! my spirit” – what a carry over from the first line of temptations and the lead in of flesh!! You allow the weakness of “tenderness” but (planned or unwittingly), you maintain in the declination, a power of passion hidden beneath the immortification. It is such a splendid metaphor within the exchange. You use a commonality to gather us all in, “grains of sand”, “that hour”, and later the “mirror”. It is obvious that we shall all glimpse the reality substance, but that substance is far more a particular of yours than we shall ever know. Although I was cruisin’ you lost me with “steely twig”, - I tried the image, and my assumptions are “steely eyes” looking back, and although the “wind of passions” whip the flame, the twig is able to bend with the resolve, but not break. (?). You end with such trials, and triumphs as in the past. A brief look at what might have been destructive, and a look at the “my course, again” resolve that maintains the love and passions. Mark, I found this one of the most passionate pieces I have ever read of yours. Excellent, and I pray, fulfilling beyond the lyric.
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2006-02-28 17:17:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Mark, I had not intended to critique here anymore but I visit everyday and when I read this poem I just can't keep my mouth shut! I did read "Daisies" which I thought got you out of the dog house but now I hear a plea in this poem. This is lovely poem about love (a wonderful subject for most females) You are telling 'her' that even one eon is not quite enough and two eons would be better....like this thought....very romantic. Your last two lines are stunning....when I'm beyond us both, and flooding us with rain, then, always,will I pray: you'll stay my course, again.' This is where I hear the plea for your loved one to stay and not drift away....ergo the title. I could go on and on but it would sound too mushy and I caution you not to give me a 10 for this quick critique. Just one more thing....I love this piece and there is one more place you should post it! hugs...Mazza
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2006-02-28 14:50:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.83333
Dear Mark, A beautiful tribute to love, and loving someone enough to put those thoughts into written words. She's a lucky lady, to have someone like you in her life. Your poem has a nice rhythm to it, reads flawlessly with some lines that touch the readers heart, ie: There’s that grain of sand, and there’s that hour, uncanny, mirrored in the form of you: when I’m beyond us both, and flooding us with rain, then, always, will I pray: you’ll stay my course, again. These are deeply sentimental, and empowering way to speak of love, in a poem. Very good job with this one, I enjoyed it very much. Sincerely, Denimari
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