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This Poem was Submitted By: Mark D. Kilburn On Date: 2006-03-30 10:57:52 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Hurricane Season

An old friend blew in last week like an aimless hurricane his eyes were calm but cloudy you could drown getting too close to the waves of insanity surrounding him Youthful exuberance matured now manifested in forceful denial and delay, of the inevitable choice, life or death while the storm ebbs and flows fueled by fear of change and easy doctors as my friend exists in the typhoon’s desperate perpetuity He couldn’t stay long chasing or being chased by drugs, drink and yesterday’s high confusing excess with happiness still reaching for the past and gone hurricane eyes are always calm.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Elana H. Kirshenbaum On Date: 2006-04-21 07:22:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hello Mark, I have read through your poem a number of times. There are some nice phrases like "easy doctors". I like, He couldn’t stay long chasing or being chased by drugs, drink and yesterday’s high I think you could even go further with this poem and make it resonate more fully. For me, the poem would be stronger if the language was more specific with key details and images in some places. You begin to do that in various areas with phraes like "his eyes were calm but cloudy". However, in other areas, phrases like "Youthful exhuberance", "forceful denial", and "reaching for the past" are less powerful. The metaphor of a hurricane is fine, and a wonderful place to build from, but I'd like to see it drawn out more specifically, more subtley in the poem. I'd like to see it juxtaposed with more detail about the man. If more with a detail, an image, the poem would expand in so many new ways. How is he like an aimless hurricane? What are the waves of insanity? How specifically does he confuse excess with happiness? Maybe you could show this with his words, his dress, his mannerisms, his tone of voice, actions, his specific choices, his hair, how he impacts others specifically. Small details can help expand the poem to its fullness. Your poem doesn't need to add in length necessarily. One line can speak volumes. For example, if you could show us how he is ebbing and flowing in his life or in his presence with you, I would see this man and understand the situation more. What line or two lines could speak to that more powerfully? It would give the reader more to see and feel. This is one of the big challenges in writing. Have you ever done stream of consciousness writing where you sit down and think about a subject and write non-stop for a period of time? This can be very helpful because you can tap into a deeper part of yourself- the self that doesn't edit thoughts, grammar, sentence structure, andideas. Thanks for sharing. It's not easy sometimes to hear constructive criticism of our work but I see a lot of potential here. I hope my comments have helped in some way. Best wishes, Elana

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2006-04-06 20:45:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.76190
This required deep thought. One must move forward or all is lost in the inner feeling of the individual as you have so well stated in this verse. Great relationship in the calm of the eye yet what surrounds it one has little control over. Like how you relate the individual to the storm. Well done and is one of my favorites for the month. Thanks for sharing. Thomas

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2006-04-04 04:04:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.93333
Interesting title Mark and quite a catcher for the reader who wants to find out more about where this is going and that she does.........full of furry from start to finish, the calm in the middle of the storm representing the eye of the storm and with life the calm due to whatever it is you are on whether it be drugs, alcohol, life itself or just a natural high......very present in your presentation and it just keeps going on and on. Seems we all come to the choice of life or death at some point in time......perhaps as with this one caused by the different paths taken in his lifetime. Good structure, word flow and I must say each stanza is solid........thanks for posting, God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2006-04-01 10:46:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.81081
Mark, This is the mark of an accomplished writer, not only in conveying your sentiments but in the way you've done it. Your alliterations and metaphors you've created a piece that speaks with easy flow and of such deep wisdom. It is always hard to watch people we care about self-distruct especially when they are blind to their own short comings. All to well do I understand the confusion of happiness for excess's brief sensation. I also have a friend who is lost in the past, living in the day and riding a short ticket express. It is so sad that only the person involved is the only one that can change the path. I especially liked "still reaching for the past and gone, hurricane eyes are always calm." The blindness that comes after the storm, the percieved calmness in between the storms is so transitory and temporary and only someone who has been there knows that. Thank you for such a strong piece, I would like to see it reach a larger audience but then those it needs to reach I feel aren't into doing much reading, perhaps it could be a performance piece. I'm going to copy it and keep it close so I don't forget about how drugs, drink and partying affects more than just those taking part. This definitely goes on my list although I feel that wasn't your reason for posting. Best always Lora

This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2006-03-31 17:39:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.68750
Mark, Too bad he's not got it together yet......sometimes it takes a lifetime to and even then we need more time. I think the crux is about confusing excess with being happy. yes, your right. having, owning, nor doing fun stuff doesn't make for happiness. Happiness is an internal peace and acceptance of yourself. I'm a bit confused with 'calm'eyes? Are they sad eyes? Hurricane's are not calm? And easy doctors/is he sick? Interesting wording.... Dellena

This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2006-03-31 16:28:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.57895
very interesting. The eyes have it! The eyes are the mirror to the soul some say. "confusind excess with happiness" is the key line here. I remember such times when I was doing the Hippie trip until I came to my senses one day and quit it all. Nice read. Goes smoothly.Title befits the poem but is it hurricane or typhoon? I know the difference but it depends on where you are.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mary J Coffman On Date: 2006-03-31 12:03:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mark, I have to say, when I first read the title I was almost completely UNFAIR to you. I read a lot on another poetry site, and when Katrina hit EVERYBODY was writing about hurricanes... My first thought was: "Oh no, not another one!" OMG! How unfair of me! I almost passed this jewel up because of that! Oh silly me!! *blush* I clicked on yours anyway, and am so very glad I did! What a refreshing, and delightful surprise yours turned out to be. That will teach me...LOL! The title is GREAT used as a metaphor. Fantastic! There is so very much going on in your poem, along with some good sound technique. Hmmmm...where to start... An old friend blew in last week like an aimless hurricane .....as I said, LOVE the metaphor! his eyes were calm but cloudy ...our 1st indication something is amiss with your friend - well done you could drown getting too close nicely said, and the hard c sounds are great - nice alliteration to the waves of insanity surrounding him ....won't comment on ALL these wonderful metaphors till later... :) Youthful exuberance matured now manifested in forceful denial and delay, of the inevitable choice, ...WOW! Just, Wow! These lines just 'hit' you 'tween the eyes! life or death ....such stark truth/reality here...very well said while the storm ebbs and flows fueled by fear of change ...more alliteration - YES! This time the 'f' sounds, so soft... and easy doctors as my friend exists in the typhoon’s desperate perpetuity ..."desperate perpetuity" - it's perfect! I love the wording! He couldn’t stay long chasing or being chased by drugs, drink and yesterday’s high confusing excess with happiness ....love this! all the assonance ('s' sounds) very smooth, also so true! still reaching for the past and gone hurricane eyes are always calm. ...the perfect ending. Gives this such a melancholy feel. It sits softly sad in our minds, and hearts. To lose someone this way.... Mark. I only touched on a few of the wonderful things about this poem. I love when a poem evokes deep thought, and you satisfied that 'thirst' with this one. As I said earlier, your technique is sound. There are an abundance of wonderful metaphors/similies in this. The figurative language is excellent. Nice alliteration, assonance, and word usage all through this! You provided quite a bit of both imagery and feeling in this without overusing either. Your descriptions were rich, and complete. Despite the sadness of losing a friend this way, to drugs and drinking, this is beautifully written and executed. I can find no flaws, it's wonderful as is. Thank you for sharing this heartfelt rendering, Mark. I DID enjoy reading it very much. Putting it on my winner's list immediately! Be well, poet! Always, Mary

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