This Poem was Submitted By: Deborah L Bird On Date: 2006-04-09 17:49:26 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!
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Copyright © April 2006 Deborah L Bird
Waiting for a lovers caress.
Feeling the pain of absence
Knowing the heartache of yearning
For a touch that will never be.
Desperatley seeking solace
A comfort not to be found.
Asking what happens next
Never finding the answer.
That will not calm the longing.
Now, waiting, yearning, watching for that
We will be in the lovers caress
I so desperately miss.
this is a re-write and re-name of Watchful Eyes. I agree the lines and title needed to be changed.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2006-04-30 18:18:18
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.75000
I really think with the depth of yearning, I read, you could find some more examples and
deeper wording for your sorrow. Don't be afraid to cry out your pain....in your writing.
You could put so much more into this.
Make me feel it/we've all been there.
My best to you
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2006-04-23 17:41:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Thanks for rewriting and sharing this with us again. Although I have not read the original "Watchful Eyes" but I appreciate your effort. This one is heart-wrenching and I can relate it very well as I have many cases before when I longed for a lover's caress but was not fulfilled. The first stanza effectively sets the tone of the poem. The desciption of "watchful eyes" is just apt to describe the tendency of waiting for someone. Yes, too much is the pain of absence as it has the tendency to prolong. Everything is just find in this piece except for the little typo of "desperately" in the third stanza but you were able to spelled it correctly at the last stanza. Hope you now found the lover's caress you are longing for or if not sooner I'm sure you will feel the real one.
Thank you for sharing.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Ann Hemsworth On Date: 2006-04-12 19:18:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
This is the process for sure which I don't think anyone has missed the experience of at least once in their lives. I like your word usage in "Desperatley seeking solace" with the soft "s" alliteration, and also this couplet stands out for me "Pleading sleep
That will not calm the longing."good use of assonance". Also the use of couplets to tell your story is effective, give this a sort of hollow yearning urgency that fits your topic well. Enjoyed your poem, thanks for sharing your ideas and talent.
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2006-04-11 14:33:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.00000
Hi Deb...I thought I was going mad when I read this because I know I critiqued it befor! I'm relieved that it is a re-write. I like this version much better...it is clearer in its intent (IMHO.) The longing is heartfelt and not lost on this reader. You continue to use wonderful words to limn your emotions. Well done. This is a keeper!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2006-04-11 05:02:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Good morning Deb........Though my own medical problems do not allow me to recall the one posted prior to I do say this one reads well, good structure, word flow, you have done a good job in your rewrite. I find it most difficult at times not only to rewrite but to rename a poem written therefore you have done well with this one. Thanks for posting and for sharing. God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2006-04-10 13:56:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.66667
Good rewrite, I like your title choice, it draws the reader in. Your format has made this much easier to read and the piece flows well as a whole without loosing any of your original intent. For this reader it was an enjoyable read while illiciting ancient memories of one's own. Thank you for posting your rewrite for us.
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