This Poem was Submitted By: Ronald D Istivan On Date: 2006-04-17 23:33:15 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Night Moon hits the pavement.
Rays shine brightly like the sun.
Men wonder,
advertising their suicide.
Should I tell them
about my death?
Never, not right now, no, never, not nothing, anyway. |
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Copyright © April 2006 Ronald D Istivan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2006-05-01 22:47:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.76471
Hi there Ronald,
This is the second poem I have read from you and this one has an opposite tone. Your Period 6 is full of enthusiam but this one talks to the darkness part of life. This is short but it has everything it can tell. So compelling and poignant, "Never, not right now, no, never, not nothing, anyway.". This is a strong piece.
Take care,
Jordan
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2006-04-25 13:09:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Ronald,
This piece is intriguing. I like the way you ended it, with the negatives, flowing one right after the other.
It's emphasises the emotional feel of the read.
The line Men wonder, advertising their suicide, left me wondering, and I probably need some enlightenment on that line. I did read it a few times, in attempt to interpret my own about it, but clearly didn't connect with it.
It's a good post, I'd love the know the idea behind it.
sincerely,
Denimari
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2006-04-19 06:04:20
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Ronald,
I like this piece for it comes from within and expresses thoughts from deep within. Darkness although lit by the moon has an errie effect and you have given that to this reader. Men do wonder at times is it worth it but believe me it is. Read my poem The pouch no need to critique, you will see why I feel this way. You have given the reader a poem although short a thought to ponder on and that is what writing is all about. I like the ending especially not wanting to tell anyone yet something keeps forcing you too... Well done. Thomas.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2006-04-18 20:51:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Ronald,
Poem title: Night
Firstly, I really like the imagery of the first line, the incongruence
of the moon hitting the pavement. Something as soft as moonlight is
striking a hard, ungiving surface. That the night luminary is as bright
as the sun is another paradoxical idea. But it’s your third couplet that
‘hits’ me as a reader. It’s ironic, at least retrospectively, that people
who take their lives often do ‘advertise’ in a way. Your next couplet
frightens me a bit as it seems to be from the perspective of one who
has already experienced death or perhaps contemplates it. Again, the
poem offers irony and contradiction – IMO, a very accurate picture
of one contemplating suicide. But it’s the final line that delivers
the greatest power, at least to me. The way it fluctuates, denies
and even speaks in childlike voice -- “not nothing” -- as if the
narrator/speaker denies even the existence of self. I found this
poem to be very moving if a bit of a conundrum. I hope you
will submit more of your writing here.
“Never, not right now, no, never, not nothing, anyway.”
Very compelling work.
Best,
Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2006-04-18 09:09:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.57143
Hi Ron...welcome to TPL....we are pleased to have you. This terse poem is filled with gut wrenching emotion that hit me with the first line...."Moon hits the pavement"...I love this line...why didn't I think of that? I get the sense that when the moon hit its rays bounced and began to shine as bright as the sun....very innovative and poetic. The rest of the poem has an almot frantic sound. Perhaps you didn't mean it to sound that way...but to me it does. How could a person tell of their suicide (or thoughts of it) without being frantic? Then the protaganist wonders if he should tell of his death...but thinks better of it. Let it be discoved by those he is escaping from...they will learn of it soon enough. Well written poem that has a doleful sound...well done.
Peace...Marilyn
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