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This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2006-06-23 08:26:34 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Secrets

I stand by the sea and Watch flakes of sun On the chop of water The very undertow memory Is made of. Why does it haunt me so? I can’t share it or Be free of it No soul knows but me and There is no untying The bonds that bind Like shackles with no key I am deprived, burdened, and dismayed I look out across the deep and Watch my damp footprints

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2006-07-05 23:38:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.75000
Hi Marilyn, Here I am once again, I am almost done with my critiquing job! Not really critiquing but just a reading job! A deep reflection of your life but what bondage of secret tying you up? So poignant! By the way, are you using "undertow" as an adjective to describe memory? My dictionary is only saying it is a noun. Not a big deal anyway. It just made me stop and think. (Smile) Thanks for sharing this with us. Good luck! Jordan

This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2006-07-03 23:40:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.58333
Marilyn, In a past life.......maybe something! A bit off the wall, but who knows? Life started from the sea, maybe that? We all have some strange fears and they have to have come from somewhere. Fascinating subject. Enjoyed the trip to the twilight zone. The footprint is the clue you left behind showing you were there. Take care. Dellena

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2006-06-25 20:26:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
marilyn--An hyperbolic write conjuring up vivid imagery of a neverending love: a very poignant recalling of a unforgetable/ undying enamorement reserved for a lossed soulmate. These de- scriptors are fresh and intoxicating; "...flakes of sun On the chop of water The very undertow memory is made of." "There is no untying The bonds that bind Like shackles with no key." I like this very much, but still was distracted by a small nit I have, specifically with lines #
and #14(punctuation and enjambement, respectively); "I am deprived, burdened, and dismayed *(.)* ?? I look out across the deep and..." SUGGESTIONS ONLY; "I am deprived, burdened and dismayed *(As)* I look out across the deep and..." The later (IMO) reads smoother, but it could be my personal quirk. I thoroughly enjoy the images this paints. TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: Ellen K Lewis On Date: 2006-06-25 13:53:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.93333
Well, this makes for an easy read. The first verse is really cool. I never thought about 'flakes' of sun...interesting and original. The very undertow memory Is made of. You could strike just as well by moving the word 'memory' down to become a part of the next line. It's another original! I really like it. There is no untying ...could be followed IN the same verse with: The bonds that bind Like shackles with no key That changes your line structure a bit, consider it ok? In saying that I might as well add: save the space between the last two lines and the final line. It has a feeling of absolute emptiness and dispair-the kind of feelings that only the coast line can bring. There isn't much more that I can say. It's a great poem! I like it alot. smiles, Ellen

This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2006-06-24 18:10:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.90000
Marilyn, Definitely a very haunting write, this is a side of you I haven't seen before; at least not in this intensity. I especially liked the lines: No soul knows but me and There is no untying The bonds that bind Like shackles with no key There are truly things that reside in each of us, those things we can not or do not ever speak of, the things for whatever reason are not shared. Such a heart felt sadness, and in your ending, the resignation of what is, watching your own footprints---phew---very heavy. I will have to ponder this some more as of now it has filled me with a deep sadness, almost a feeling of forlorn, my thoughts are with you. Thank you for sharing this poignant sensitive work. Best, Lora

This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Ann Hemsworth On Date: 2006-06-23 11:28:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
I found the first stanza so vivid in image. "Watch flakes of sun On the chop of water" that is what they look like, never thought if it that way..thanks for the vison! and it is like the chopping of the water our memory, bits and pieces coming in and out of consciousness, and yes trapped there repeatively over and over to haunt. I like your clever similies in this and the over all feeling..I love the ending, it is so "there" I took the footprints to be the impressions of the sole (soul) always sinking, embedded in the sands of time.

This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2006-06-23 09:45:38
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
I like poems that may seem simplistic at first but have threads running off to interesting places. This lovely one is framed by your glimpsing out from shore upon shallows, presumably. Then the end places your glance, "across the deep", not at where the depth of the water greatens, but where your footprints are. The device here stimulates the reader to appreciate that your message is more of the setting as secondary to the deep thought process it has triggered. Which brings us far more closer to appreciating the line, "the very undertow memory is made of". Excellent, but if you wish to avoid dangling a participle, you could write, the very undertow taunting memory (or some other modifier suitable to your tone.) All-in-all, however, the poem is successful and enjoyable to read. Footprints in sand almost conjure imagery, don't they? JCH

This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2006-06-23 09:41:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Marilyn, This is a powerful, soul wrenching poem - that makes the reader feel the haunt, of the writer. Touching as it starts out, isolation on the shore, the tug of memories only you can feel, and keep deep inside of yourself. Great word choice with "untying", this bond is strong, and your descriptive of shackles with no key leaves a lasting impression. It's a wound of sorts, that can't find the healing necessary - which leaves the writer holding a heavy cross of burden, dismayal, sad and alone with these feelings. The isolation is further brought out by the line "Watch my damp footprints", a solitary moment, in reflection of meeting these emotions face to face. Your blessing in this poem, is being able to realize these feelings exist, and express them in such a fashion. This reader, empathizes with your pain, and wishes you emotional healing. Good write Marilyn, expressly poetic - and thought inspiring. sincerely, Denimari

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