This Poem was Submitted By: Fowler Trask On Date: 2006-07-18 20:38:32 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Train Conductor I wish I could ask you for your ticket
I wish I could look at you and look at my watch and tap my foot
I wish I could help you with your luggage
I would be brisk, because I have a schedule to keep.
I could shovel some coal into the engine.
The smoke would blacken
The gears would churn
The pistons would pound
And you would close your eyes and ease back in your seat a little
And then you'll sit up
When I announce your stop.
You look so tired
It's not long now
Out the window, the trees are a blur.
We speed past the platform
You look around, and you're alone
And I shovel in some more coal
And your eyes blacken and
Your stomach churns and
Your heart pounds as we
Sail off the tracks. |
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Copyright © July 2006 Fowler Trask
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2006-07-29 16:09:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Fowler,
I feel like I'm on the train heading down the track, clikety clack clickity clack...
I liked the ride but two questions? Sailing off the track?
Sailing down the track?
And stomach upset heart pounding.........? Is there a crash coming?
A means to an end of someone?
Interesting, very interesting.
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Ellen K Lewis On Date: 2006-07-19 10:57:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.92593
This is cool! I really like the second line. It immediately drew up the image I needed to focus on the poem.
I wonder how many times, how many conductors, have ever looked back at the passenger they left behind and thought about lonliness and the vacant platforms. I wonder if they feel what they see, as you have done.
Here is a slight variation on this verse. It is only one opportunity to keep your line lengths closer together, but is not vital to the life of the poem. Only a suggestion:
I could shovel some coal into the engine.
The smoke would blacken as the gears churned
The pistons would pound and you would
close your eyes and ease back in your seat a little.
This is great, Fowler. It's the first piece I have seen from you. I hope to see more as you are a gifted poet, for sure!
Thank you for sharing with all of us here,
Ellen
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2006-07-19 08:03:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Fowler.....Nice to meet you! I have read this piece several times and continue to have feelings of dread each time. I get the sense that the train and the conductor are metaphors for impending doom or even death. Your last stanza is stunning (as is the entire poem) and it contains the words that make me feel that this person has sailed off the tracks of life. I like the way you build the suspense that escalates into the final stanza...the words have a chilling effect on me. I could be way off base here and I hope I have not completely fractured your intent! this is an amazing poem, well written and evocative... thanks for posting it here.
Peace....Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2006-07-18 20:49:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 7.00000
Has the Angel of Death become job weary?
Some might view this as a very dark little poem
indeed. For me, it is delightful. Demonstrating
the reverie of a very thoughtful individual, one
long eupehmism worth.
I hope the rest appreciate this for it is definitely
provoking and I regard it highly.
JCH
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