This Poem was Submitted By: Fowler Trask On Date: 2006-07-19 14:37:38 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
Click Here To add this poem to your "Voting Possibilities" list!
Neighborhood Watch Gary's got the semi-automatic
Helen, the searchlight
High-powered with a hand crank
for blackouts.
Here's how it happens:
The pavement heats up
The policemen pull out
The djangos move in
with their gunships
and their speakerboxes
blasting skid-soul.
So you call up the soccer moms
and the hockey dads
and you hold a bake sale
outside the church
to buy M16s.
They own the daylight.
We roll at dusk
wearing flannel
because it breathes.
There aren't many rules.
Don't travel alone;
Don't fire at children
unless they're armed;
Don't mess up
anyone's lawn.
Civilization
is ninety miles away.
This is how we do
in exurbia. |
|
Copyright © July 2006 Fowler Trask
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2006-08-04 10:32:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 2.00000
Hi Fowler
Good to have as fresh a voice as yours here. I've read your other pieces and there's a gritty charm to all of them. In this case, it's bleak but real.
Welcome to TPL, and I hope you hang around.
Mark
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2006-07-23 13:15:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.40000
Futuristic to say the least. Website designer controlling us. Last line I think is missing "it". eg.:This is how we do "it" in exurbia. Well I sort of live in exurbia and see nothing around here that is similar. You have a very active imagination no doubt from playing too many video games. Anyway, it is an interesting theme which made me Google a lot. Welcome to TPL.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Ellen K Lewis On Date: 2006-07-20 13:03:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.86667
Wow, Fowler! I like your style. Thanks for sharing this and for the enlightenment! I can't offer many suggestions for improvement on this peice. But as a talented poet you should consider a few things. Rhyme is not a neccessary componet of poetry, but stanza's and meters are. Your line lengths may be something for you to consider for future poems. (this one is fine!). I know that everyone has their own idea of what is right and what is wrong with punctuation and caps. I leave that up to you, but I do know that some publishers won't except work that is not 'gramatically correct'. It's always a good idea to read your work out loud and see where your sentences stop and start. Thats a great way to control your readers minds, and explain without question your ideal read.
I love the bake sale going on here. All the good people getting together to buy M16's. Here in the USA people can hardly imagine such things. We need lots of information, on a personal level such as yours is!
Thank you so much-this is great!
Smile,
Ellen
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2006-07-20 10:11:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80952
Hi Fowler......this is a thought provoking poem and one that has compelled me to read it several times. To me it seems like a scene that could be played out right in our own backyard. No need to travel to the middle east or anywhere else to find violence we have it right here. Your writing excites me and your phrases and word choice are stunning which make me pause and think about the meaning.
There aren't many rules.
Don't travel alone;
Don't fire at children
unless they're armed;
Don't mess up
anyone's lawn..........................this is the most poignant stanza to me. Even though it speaks of
unimaginable violence it somehow sounds real. My husband was a
policeman and maybe that is why I get the sense I do from this
piece.
At any rate it is well written and evocative.....well done!
Peace....Marilyn
Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link
Click HERE to
return to ThePoeticLink.com Database Page!