This Poem was Submitted By: James C. Horak On Date: 2006-07-26 21:13:35 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Moonstones Let us go to the mountains
Up where the air is kissed by nothing but the sun.
The moon presides there inviting passionate children
to match peaking waves at night.
I will come with a pail of tears
Long promised me for diamonds
And when we leave, I will have them
and in your hair. |
|
Copyright © July 2006 James C. Horak
Additional Notes:
Written so long ago, I might still have been a romantic. This rewrite
made very slight changes.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mary J Coffman On Date: 2006-08-06 10:18:20
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
James,
Seems when I tried to 'send' my first critique, the server 'burped' and I'm not sure if it got through to you. Forgive me if you get this twice. I'll try to say everything I said the first time about this wonderfully romantic piece.
First, the title drew me right in being a 'moon child' myself. It's the perfect title for your poem! Then, the first line...It makes one feel as though they are right there beside the author beginning a wondrous journey..."...let us go to the mountains..." Please! Let's go! My favorite line has to be the next one - "....Up where the air is kissed by nothing but the sun...." This is just beautiful, and depicts the purity and splendor of the scene that you lay in front of us. Nice! "....a pail of tears long promised me for diamonds...." Perfectly penned, beautifully stated, and a very creative and original use of metaphor. I LOVE it! Very very nice. The ending line sums it all up so nicely, "...and when we leave I will have them in your hair...." This line definitely left me sighing. Who knew you could be such a romantic...LOL! *grin* This is just beautiful, James. One I shall return to often. Definitely on my list this month! Thanks so much for sharing this with us. I so enjoyed reading, and re-reading this little treat! Bravo.
Warmest regards,
Mary
This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Ann Hemsworth On Date: 2006-08-04 19:09:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
this is so romantic, don't loose the romance James it flows so well from your pen to paper. I love the metaphores here..and love the images. You have such a way with words and a briefness that I admire. I love the thought of "pail of tears" innocence is reflected here as it is a image that makes on think of children at the seashore, also ties in with the children reference in the beginnning stanza..all of course meanings of innocence, almost playlike...very sensual write. I truely enjoyed it!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Ellen K Lewis On Date: 2006-08-01 00:05:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.89474
Hey James. This older work is really neat. I see your style has changed a bit over time. I guess all we poets do that from time to time. There is a romantic heart in there trying to show itself. I wonder about your last line. I'm trying to decide how it is meant to be understood? I like the idea of a pail of tears for diamonds and sunlight and moonstones. Really neat poem.
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2006-07-28 19:51:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.18182
I can see where you've changed your style of writing since youve written this one .The only problem I have with this one is the last stanza. Isn't that called a dangling??? Are you still a romantic?
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2006-07-27 13:49:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.86207
Hi James....I love every word of this poem...of course if you know me at all you won't be surprised. Your word choices are stunning...."where the air is kissed by nothing but the sun."...soft, gentle, and lovely. I wish I had written..."I will come with a pail of tears'...this is so unlike what you have been writing of late and is another side of you that I find fascinating!...'long promised me for diamonds and when we leave, I will have them and in your hair." Sooooo you are carrying around another facet of your being that you have kept hidden (for whatever reason) but now, ever so slowly, you are letting it brim to the surface for all to see....hopefully more than just myself are seeing this. I must make one itty bitty observation, which is none of my business, who was the lady that injured you so? Wonderful poem...thanks for posting it.
Peace....Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2006-07-26 23:14:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
James,
Be still my heart!
Lovely......
The peaking mountains, passion's children,
The pail of tears show me the difficulty of surrendering to love. Not opening/not trusting
you'll be unharmed. Loving is the biggest gamble we will ever take.
And always the sorrow will equal the extascy!
The diamonds speak to me of commitment.
And you loved her well. You show a strong manliness and confidence
of knowing and possessing what you want.
Wonderful, just what women want.
Dellena
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