This Poem was Submitted By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2006-08-07 10:23:29 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Heart Passage Wells of tears fill 'round my eye
A natural urge as I ache to cry
Yet dimly between heart and mind
Stoic emotions are all I find
No comfort brought in this release
My burdens leave me far from peace
Constriction bears down on me
throat feels tight, I cannot see
Lost in denying you are going to die
Dear mother please help me figure out why
Tell me how to hold your hand
God help me now to understand
When you leave this common earth
I’ll fly angels out to search
And if they spy you anywhere
I’ll ask they keep you in there care
Until the light shines down for me
To follow you into eternity |
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Copyright © August 2006 DeniMari Z.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2006-08-12 12:06:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Deni,
You should warn that one might need a hanky...this brought tears to my eyes. You've bared your soul, your anquish, your hopes and prayers and packed them so neatly into this write. Your reader walks the walk with you and can feel all that you have shared in this work. Prayers and thoughts are with you, thank you for honoring us this intimate write.
Warmest always,
Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2006-08-10 23:20:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
H Deninari...I would defy anyone to read this poem with a dry eye...I could not. I can't help bu be reminded of my own mother...she passed away at the age of 91. No one is ready to lose their parents...I certainly wasn't. Your words are just beautiful and the sentiment is heart wrenching. I love..."I'll fly angels out to search"....what a perfect line. You have used so many wonderful words that serve to let the reader feel your pain and want to reach out to you. I'm hugging you right now...hope it helps. I know you have had some difficult years because of the illness of your sister and your mother. The only advice I have is take care of yourself....I didn't and I paid for it later. Excellent poem!
God bless...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Ellen K Lewis On Date: 2006-08-08 09:53:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hello, DeniMari. What a sad sad day for you. If it helps at all, remember that all of us experience this deep loss at some time. I was at my mothers side for about 11 months as she lay dieing of cancer. It was a very difficult thing to do. I really like the line you use-"tell me how to hold your hand"....wow. That is strong. That is the essence of being there, the whole point, and you have brought it out so well.
This poem is so emotion packed it is hard for me to comment!
If I were to change anything in this it would be the meter. As it is written, the reader is forced to limit their imagination by the short, crisp lines. The rhyming of each line is a tribute to your creativity! Still, for the sake of a more indepth read, I would consider finding a new meter. I also have this same trouble in my writings so it is difficult to tell you how to 'fix' it. You could leave it as it is and still leave your reader in an awesome state of 'trance'.
Just a thought. Not even a critical error here. I like this poem. It speaks to and from the heart.
May God give you the peace of heart and mind that you need for strength now! Ellen
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2006-08-07 13:53:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
DeniMari--The elegy of this is almost forgotten by the musical quality in
these true end rhyming couplets. A lack of punctuation, creates a smooth
flowing read which I like very much (because of these excellent line breaks).
In my opinion, while this is a lament, it's really a celebration of life.
Speaker appears to have been given the proper tools by this paternal and
entreats an ethereal home for her until their reunion. Also, a teenie weenie
nit noticed (SUGGESTION ONLY *()*);
"I’ll ask they keep you in there *(their)* care"
A Well written, although, melancholy write. TLW
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