This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2006-09-15 15:26:33 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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A Pillar You can’t complete yourself
With someone else. The
Unfamiliar trails you tread
Are made of the lacey maze
That is your life
It belongs to you, born
Downstream unscathed, unsullied
And a pillar to yourself
Scale your own mountains
Where the echo’s beckon
And cry your own tears
With wet unreadable eyes
Wend your way unburdened,
Near to perfection but
Somewhat dismayed and
Startled at the
Enormity.
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Copyright © September 2006 marilyn terwilleger
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2006-09-16 21:17:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn,
This has set my mind to fire, yes---poignant and sage for one spirit might compliment another but a spirit/soul must be complete within it's self in order to give.... Wonderfully penned, kudos.
Warmest,
Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2006-09-16 12:36:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Marilyn,
This poem strikes me very powerfully. The credo of the first two lines jumps out at me.
It’s something that most of us learn the hard way. But I want to stick to responding to
the poem as a poem. It starts out almost as a metered work, with four iambs, ending
on a trochee in the first two lines. I got into the meter of the first five lines and then
I couldn’t help wanting to play with it by taking out “of the” in L4 and combining it
with L5 for one strong line of iambic pentameter. I realized that this isn’t your intent,
and the poem doesn’t require it. The metaphor of “lacy maze” for life is an effective
one, for lacy implies something that is insubstantial, like lacy clouds, for example.
And the euphony of “trails/lazy/maze” is engaging. The thrust of the poem is very
forceful, with the feeling of “I’ve learned this!” Combining two lives and trying to
complete one’s one life with the two would be like combining skies and clouds,
leading to nebulousness and lack of clarity. This poem has the voice of a strong
woman, who has walked the trails, both with another and alone. The second strophe
is equally strong. The doubled plosive b’s in “belongs/born” are emphatic. We are
born as individual beings, the N seems to shout. The purity of soul is implied in
the ‘downstream birth’—the birth leaving the individual unharmed, full intact.
“Unsullied” shows the immaculateness of the child at birth. Perhaps, inwardly,
you suggest we are all still this way, and must find our own inner strength and
follow it. Be pillars unto ourselves. A tower of strength, one’s own rock. The
invitation to scale one’s own mountains, following the sounds of echoes which
only the soul can hear who is attuned to that still, small voice within. The
sounds of “echoes beckon” is wonderful onomatopoeia. But here’s where the
poem grabs me and holds me:
And cry your own tears
With wet unreadable eyes
This couplet says everything about crying for oneself, by oneself, without need for
interpretation or even for someone to dry those tears. Let the mysteries within each
of us remain something that we can only turn to in self-discovery. This poem gives
me shivers, and you can’t know the apropos quality of it for me, on this specific
day in my life. Perhaps the term serendipity or synchronicity would apply. The
final five lines are charged with energy. The shape of the poem serves to convey
the sense of discovery. It makes me think of a conversation I had recently with
some friends about taking a pilgrimage on the El Camino Real. Each one walks
alone, though we may walk with one another. We may be silent witnesses, but
we walk alone. The poem has the feeling of the rugged outdoors in your locale,
and for me, at least, a suggestion of Native American Indian heritage. I might
take out ‘somewhat’ as a qualifier, as it weakens the statement a little, but on
the other hand, it is a true statement from the standpoint of the N. I love the
poem and it lends me strength.
Beautifully done!
My best to you,
Joanne
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